slowly- the plan is below- its pretty long! but here tis!(some of these are coutesy of ideas ive nicked from annm!)
goals together Spend one night a week doing something together - which means going in with zero expectations
Begin to talk about the future – share some thoughts of what may want in future (living, work, social etc)- share things important to us- don’t talk or think about whether it will be shared together- just talk about what we want
Be more physically affectionate when possible- not out of guilt or feel u have to – but don’t not be affectionate out of fear of leading on
At least one hour with no TV in da evening to just chill and talk about our day etc
DON’T think about all the crap that has happened or been said over the past month- start a fresh day each day for the moment- we are both over analyzing all the crisis stuff that has happened- and our brains are screwed up! – get rid of all the crap thoughts JUST FOR A WEEK
Share something sentimental to relationship every now & then- look at photos / video / old letters / drive to old places etc
Each day give short feedback of how the plan has worked for the day- just short- no details – eg ‘ I still felt confused, but it was helpful as you were calmer’ – or ‘ I got to have a really good think’ etc etc
longer term goals to think about Longer term goals to think about…. Think of something new we can start to do together?? Tennis? short course, guitar lessons
Think of a new ritual we can do together- walk in the evening/ brekky together?
H goals
Give feedback of efforts to W- eg ‘that was really nice going out/ watching tv etc with no comments/ sadness etc- its really helpful to me when you control your emotions’ ‘when you were happy & smiling today it reminded me how lovely you are’ etc etc
If W does have breakdown- (which she will try very hard not to and wont!) don’t take it to heart- don’t think of it as a negative or not moving forward, understand its normal grieving and don’t dwell on it
Each morning make the effort to show W at least one thing you appreciate/love about her – this will help hugely to get through the day- don’t think of it as giving false hope… there are many things you like about W- let her know
Each day make an effort to try and sort through head effectively- not just panic mode for at least an hour (maybe on train etc) -Try to articulate specifically what some of the changes you hope for the future may be- and think about which ones are possible/ not possible involving W & why/why not
-try to articulate what any faults are in the marriage (prior to all the crisis stuff!)- which may be triggering some of these feelings of wanting change (trust me there are lots)!! - & try to think of any positive ways of making changes- what may help you feel more free & valuable in the relationship- what pisses you off, what do you wish was different
my goals
Thought stopping- stop thinking of past and what could have would have, should have done differently and stop thinking negatives wishing things were different
Take each day at a time- don’t stress about how long this will go on for without an answer- this is only a one week plan!! just try it!!
Give H space to think and don’t get insulted by every thing he doesn’t do- focus on the positive things he does do
Explore new things to do- new hobby/future/ school etc – whether it be with H in life or without
Try to tell H some of your feelings and some of the things you want in a clear non threatening way – passive nature DOES NOT LIKE threatening & angry
Do not expect or demand a response and validate any response that I get from H
If begin to feel like im gonna lose control- go out!- visit friend or something
Write things down in a book if something mega stressing you out rather than yell at H- if you REALLY think he needs to be told – think about it and wait till the end of the week!
* some feedback on these goals would be great-- does anyone hav any ideas or comments? H quite happy to give this a shot- just to try and get a bit of head space... he a bit reluctant to try at first as he kept asking ' are you sure you can do these things though?' my response was i will try very hard and when put it into perspective it IS only a one week plan- i feel if we try to have a reasonable week we can make a bit more progress in counselling next week rather than spending $120 bucks talking about all the crisis weve been through for the week!- maybe we can talk about some of the real issues!
well ive got through 1.5days on my new plan so far- and it HAS been hard - but do-able! I also had two big crisis at work today- so it was lovely to have something divert my attention for a little while
