hi guys- jsut checkin in again- well H and i went to beach house for three nights- and it was a bit of a disater really! it was a disater purely because of me!! I cried, yelled,then normal- then the cycle would start agian... H seemed anxious to leave - asking 'when are we here till' etc and tapping his foot most of the time. H made some really big efforts with me- which i recognised (walks on beach, went to drive inn, out for dinner etc)- but i stuffed up all the nice things by crying. when he didnt console me how i wanted, I became angry and would yell at him and tell him how cruel he was being.
lesson learnt--- that stuff makes things worse!!!dont do it!!!
We came home and i continued to be grumpy all of yesterday as he went to work and made plans to go to school today - even though we haad a week off organised for a break....
last night we had a break through- it started off bad- i looked through his phone to see if there were any sus messages and he caught me looking through his phone and bag!!- he wasnt angry and said he understood- but what a desperate picture it must hav painted for him!?!
it then went good we spoke for two hours straight and i kept my absolute rational hat on.during our converation i prented i was an outsider looking in-- i told him that i totally understood his feelings of confusion- questions about life etc etc and we talked really freely and honestly. bubbles of anger started to emerge and i jsut let them bubble but didnt explode- many of the things he said i felt were very selfish and inconsiderate of the fact that he made a commitment to marry- but i kept my cool and reassured him whatever decision he comes to, i understand and we will both be ok.
H told me that when i hav my temper tantrums it makes his decision easier in a way- as he hates conflict- he has at times nearly said- 'look i cant handle this- Im leaving'
this bugs me- as i feel he should be taking responsibilty for the fact that he is crushing my world and attempt to console me--- but reality check is- that is not what he does when i hav my tantrums and he wont just suddenly change....so i really need to stop the tantrums!
H is saying he has got his 'you only live once' hat on- and he jsut feels change is what life is all about- and maybe he should be experiencing change... he says he of course considers all the down points of if he were to leave - but kind of feels that feeling things like regret, worry, uncertainty etc- are all part of life and maybe he needs to try it all----blurggggg- those things make me feel so sick in the stomach!- but i DO understand- i have been there before- and i giess my faith in love and marriage and sweet comfort is what had consoled me and kept me here.
Anyways the big chat was great for H-- he has text mssgd me five times this am already, is organising to go away with me somewhere special for the weekend, and messaged me how good it was to talk.
although a lot of it made me feel sick and uncomfortable- lets face it- ive felt sick and uncomfortable for weeks now- so i may aswell feel yuk- and help H get his head around things better--- at least then whatever he decides may happen quicker!! xxxxxxxxx
