Hi there - What a blessing, a mascara sales guy who can counsel Sounds like he was just what you needed, though.
Quote: yesterday- i would have got defensive.... oh great he is happy im going out and probably hopes im with someone else so he can leave me.... but today i see it as A POSITIVE- I think he felt calmed, not preassured and a bit guilt free- I think all the guilt he feels is really getting in the way of him thinking clearly.
Hang on to that thought - your own perspective can make or break you - if you have a choice, always pick the positive one
thanx slowly- youve always got your head screwed on well!
I think youre exactly right- my perspective can make or break me- me putting (or trying to put) a positive spin on things is what is getting me throug each day- sometimes my negative self talk gets in the way--- but i really need to keep focused and appreciate all the positives.
today we made an appointment for counselling- our session is on Friday--- Im really scared! I have this fear that the counsellor is going to say to H-'oh you cant seem to commit to making this marriage work...you need that, or theres no use!' well.... i think its something really necessary anyway... i just hope this lady is pro marriage saving! H says he is scared too- I asked what is he scared of and he just said' i dunno' i told him it is scary- & dont worry i scared too. we'll see eh!- if its a disater, I'll just change counsellors!
Unfortuantely H told me today he is not going to go on holiday we had planned & booked at the end of this week-- bummer... Im really disappointed- I thought getting away may help... but H feels preassured and uncomfortable (my parents will be there also) and he also has a massive fear of flying... so... oh well
Im not going to go either- Im really not interested in getting on a plane by myself and going on holiday..
bummer! what a waste of money! Oh well- i really dont want to force H into it- ive applied a bit pf preassure but it didnt work- so I'll jsut leave it now
I will however try to do something nice during my holidays- certainly dont want to mope around
Hi there - Gosh, you've obviously not read my earlier threads
Quote: thanx slowly- youve always got your head screwed on well!
It has been a long journey getting to this place of some sanity, I have to say, and I could not have done it without all the great feedback here, and many twists and turns on my road
Quote: Unfortuantely H told me today he is not going to go on holiday we had planned & booked at the end of this week-- bummer... Im really disappointed- I thought getting away may help... but H feels preassured and uncomfortable (my parents will be there also) and he also has a massive fear of flying... so... oh well
Just wondering, why did he book a holiday that included flying if he is afraid of it? Has something changed since the time you made the booking?
Quote: Im not going to go either- Im really not interested in getting on a plane by myself and going on holiday..
I dunno, maybe it will be a bit of a wake up jolt for him that you are able to have fun withut him, and that he needs to get off the fence? May be worth considering going anyway, especially as you have paid for it, and may be a friend may want to use H's tickets?
yeah hes had a fear of flying since our honeymoon three years ago- but felt it was time to conquer his fears - particularly as its only a short flight- thus why we booked it- its a trip thats been planned for 6 months- however it was onlyabout a month ago we actually booked the tickets- thus why Im very peeved! its the combination of the flying dilemma now mixed with all thats been going on thats resulted in him changing his mind....
Ive really considered going on my own- quite seriously actually.. but its really something i dont want to do- i want to avoid doing things JUST to get him thinking- theres all this talk about - do what you enjoy, have your own fun, explore who you are etc..... well Im really not one to trek off on a holiday by myself- its certainly not something i want to do...
but i do know i have to use that time to do things i want - unfortunately Ive got no buddies who can get the time off quick enough to use the tickets though
- im quite sad today- H has his big exhibition... Ive been looking forward to this for so long, and have been so proud to see the result of all his hard work over the past years of study ... Im really having trouble being happy about it now coz Ive just got running around my head- this is such a big event in our lives but he doesnt even know if he wants to share this and the future of it with me or not....I know Ive gotta stop thinknig like this- but it really is hard.
I caved a bit last night- I went in to drop off some of his work - and felt really awkward meeting his school freinds- as he says he has spoken to some of them about whats going on... it felt yuk coz i was paranoid they were thinknig ' oh there that poor girl whos husband wants to leave her'... etc etc- we went out for dinner afterwards and i just broke down into tears - I tried so hard - but jsut couldnt help it. I spilled my guts a bit and said- 'i feel so uncomfortable.. that felt so uncomfortable, and Im so paranoid even sitting here with you over dinner that you are judging and analysing me and thinking Im boring an dthat you dont want to be with me' ooops--- Im so peeved with myself for doing that!! but H was good- and said - dont be silly, Im not thinking that at all- we just need to enjoy each other and have fun, we'll be ok' the reassurance was gold to me- but Im still annoyed at myself because Im sick of him feeling sorry for me and seeing me upset
hopefully I can brave it all and enjoy myself tonight- just gotta get those silly negative thoughts out of my head -- and try not to cry or something! xxxxxx
hi guys- just thought id keep u all updated--- well i went to Hs exhibition-- it went really well for him- he won an excellence in illustration award- i got quite upset- it was really hard work-- i just wanted to be so happy for him, but i couldnt get resentment out of head thinking ' i got you here and now you may be leaving me' ohhhhhh so hard all this! we had a reasonably good night- lots to drink- i got really mad at him at one stage for not walking his mum back to her car etc- and called him every name under the sun-- this was a bit harsh really- and i probably stuffed up all the positive stuff! H eworked really hard at supporting me the whole night - made sure i wasnt lonely etc- so that was nice.
yesterday- I lost the plot again- did all the 'why' i cant beleive your doing this to me etc etc - but we also had some good chats about the R-- all still very hard though
We had first counselling session today- the lady was really nice - the whole session was basically her talking to H- she basically told him to hang in there and that she feels if he can overcome this hurdle rather than run off it will really help him grow and become a better person and find a kind of love he hasnt known yet-- this was good !! I was very happy with her attitude- the goal for the week is for H to stop thinking 'what if i cant fix this' and spend the week putting some hard effort into the R. C sugggested i dont do any of the planning organising- its important for him to do this..... oh oh- we'll probably do nothing then! he he......
we went out for lunch which was quite nice... its jsut so hard even going out now coz i feel like i cant be myself coz Im too dull ... i know this is terrible and i shouldnt be doin this to myself- but its really a hard thing to get out of my head!! xxxxxxxxx
hi! im checking in again- i thought this necessary as i feel quite positive today- and dont want all my messages to be negative- coz im sure theres plenty out there who want a bit of hope.
I was anxious as per usual when i woke up- H had gone to work (which upset me coz hes sposed to be takin some time off to spend with me)& i felt lonely and in shock as i always do wen i wake up.
beside me was a not from H- it read: Messy, ill msg you from work!!sorry?I just am too poor..... but we can do some fun after... maybe u could meet me in the city? or we could go away for the night? i love you...speak to u lata.xxx luv H
now please dont get angry and envious all of you out there- this letter is by no means reassuring to me as H has been told by me many a times that a simple little note can help me through the day--- H also under instruction from C to hang in there and spend the next week focusing on R-- so really there is possibly NO meaning behind this note..BUT the effort he made is why i am happy....
the other reason i am truly happy is i have spent the day srumming away at my guitar singing Jewel songs at the top of my voice- despite being really crap at the guitar (only know a few chords) - this was very theraputic for me and got me thinking some powerful stuff.
Just thought Id stress to you all the power of music LISTEN TO SOME MEANINGFUL MUSIC when youre down- and it jsut reaffirmed to me the importance of doing some of the things you love which you havent done in a long time.
Iv ealso been reflecting heaps on why H may be falling out of love with me... I have been a bore these past few years.... that is not necessarily my fault- but its just happened- i have been taking on too many responsibilities and stressing about money, clothes and the dishes for too long, and have really lost a chunk of who i am.... i have not been there for my H and given him time and affection - as he has not done for me either...
i just pray that its not too late for us to work on this stuff... hmm also had a look at the Dr Phil website today- theres some good stuff and questionairres on there about relationships- worth having a squiz I think
well, Im off now - hopefully will be spending the night at the beachhouse with H tonight-- will keep u all posted how we go! xxx
hi guys- jsut checkin in again- well H and i went to beach house for three nights- and it was a bit of a disater really! it was a disater purely because of me!! I cried, yelled,then normal- then the cycle would start agian... H seemed anxious to leave - asking 'when are we here till' etc and tapping his foot most of the time. H made some really big efforts with me- which i recognised (walks on beach, went to drive inn, out for dinner etc)- but i stuffed up all the nice things by crying. when he didnt console me how i wanted, I became angry and would yell at him and tell him how cruel he was being.
lesson learnt--- that stuff makes things worse!!!dont do it!!!
We came home and i continued to be grumpy all of yesterday as he went to work and made plans to go to school today - even though we haad a week off organised for a break....
last night we had a break through- it started off bad- i looked through his phone to see if there were any sus messages and he caught me looking through his phone and bag!!- he wasnt angry and said he understood- but what a desperate picture it must hav painted for him!?!
it then went good we spoke for two hours straight and i kept my absolute rational hat on.during our converation i prented i was an outsider looking in-- i told him that i totally understood his feelings of confusion- questions about life etc etc and we talked really freely and honestly. bubbles of anger started to emerge and i jsut let them bubble but didnt explode- many of the things he said i felt were very selfish and inconsiderate of the fact that he made a commitment to marry- but i kept my cool and reassured him whatever decision he comes to, i understand and we will both be ok.
H told me that when i hav my temper tantrums it makes his decision easier in a way- as he hates conflict- he has at times nearly said- 'look i cant handle this- Im leaving'
this bugs me- as i feel he should be taking responsibilty for the fact that he is crushing my world and attempt to console me--- but reality check is- that is not what he does when i hav my tantrums and he wont just suddenly change....so i really need to stop the tantrums!
H is saying he has got his 'you only live once' hat on- and he jsut feels change is what life is all about- and maybe he should be experiencing change... he says he of course considers all the down points of if he were to leave - but kind of feels that feeling things like regret, worry, uncertainty etc- are all part of life and maybe he needs to try it all----blurggggg- those things make me feel so sick in the stomach!- but i DO understand- i have been there before- and i giess my faith in love and marriage and sweet comfort is what had consoled me and kept me here.
Anyways the big chat was great for H-- he has text mssgd me five times this am already, is organising to go away with me somewhere special for the weekend, and messaged me how good it was to talk.
although a lot of it made me feel sick and uncomfortable- lets face it- ive felt sick and uncomfortable for weeks now- so i may aswell feel yuk- and help H get his head around things better--- at least then whatever he decides may happen quicker!! xxxxxxxxx
hi! checkin in again- weve had a turbulant few days- we didint go away in the end - i lost my cool---AGAIN- and demanded he tell me if he is commited or not commited.....hmmm surprise surprise - didnt work- H ended up telling me he was just going to leave and get away coz there is no progress-- said it didnt necessarily mean he was going for good but he unsure ... i went into panic mode and made aplan- i realised (being the control freak structured person i am) - i need a plan
the plan was using tequniques ive read about- combined with him giving a little to - to help me through the days and be more sane... H agreed to try the one week plan and see how things go- see if he can get any clarity without me being so crazy.. i really hadnt set myself any goals-- and thought maybe he might benefit from goals too-
we'll see how it goes!- if it doesnt seem to help I will learn to accept that he needs to get away to figure some stuff out- even though it with hurt so badly- and i think him being away from the home is kinda running from the problems.. we had a good chat last night about our R- i let him know that i feel he sees me as a parent role and he wants to grow and change and feels he cant- I explained i dont want to be the parent role forever to him and that Im willing to listen to him and what he wants- and i would love him to be more assertive.... hes soooo passive- that i ALWAYS get my own way.
now that i have my goals down on a clear peice of paper- im just gonna keep reading them when i start to crack--- it is only a week! xxxx
slowly- the plan is below- its pretty long! but here tis!(some of these are coutesy of ideas ive nicked from annm!)
goals together Spend one night a week doing something together - which means going in with zero expectations
Begin to talk about the future – share some thoughts of what may want in future (living, work, social etc)- share things important to us- don’t talk or think about whether it will be shared together- just talk about what we want
Be more physically affectionate when possible- not out of guilt or feel u have to – but don’t not be affectionate out of fear of leading on
At least one hour with no TV in da evening to just chill and talk about our day etc
DON’T think about all the crap that has happened or been said over the past month- start a fresh day each day for the moment- we are both over analyzing all the crisis stuff that has happened- and our brains are screwed up! – get rid of all the crap thoughts JUST FOR A WEEK
Share something sentimental to relationship every now & then- look at photos / video / old letters / drive to old places etc
Each day give short feedback of how the plan has worked for the day- just short- no details – eg ‘ I still felt confused, but it was helpful as you were calmer’ – or ‘ I got to have a really good think’ etc etc
longer term goals to think about Longer term goals to think about…. Think of something new we can start to do together?? Tennis? short course, guitar lessons
Think of a new ritual we can do together- walk in the evening/ brekky together?
H goals
Give feedback of efforts to W- eg ‘that was really nice going out/ watching tv etc with no comments/ sadness etc- its really helpful to me when you control your emotions’ ‘when you were happy & smiling today it reminded me how lovely you are’ etc etc
If W does have breakdown- (which she will try very hard not to and wont!) don’t take it to heart- don’t think of it as a negative or not moving forward, understand its normal grieving and don’t dwell on it
Each morning make the effort to show W at least one thing you appreciate/love about her – this will help hugely to get through the day- don’t think of it as giving false hope… there are many things you like about W- let her know
Each day make an effort to try and sort through head effectively- not just panic mode for at least an hour (maybe on train etc) -Try to articulate specifically what some of the changes you hope for the future may be- and think about which ones are possible/ not possible involving W & why/why not
-try to articulate what any faults are in the marriage (prior to all the crisis stuff!)- which may be triggering some of these feelings of wanting change (trust me there are lots)!! - & try to think of any positive ways of making changes- what may help you feel more free & valuable in the relationship- what pisses you off, what do you wish was different
my goals
Thought stopping- stop thinking of past and what could have would have, should have done differently and stop thinking negatives wishing things were different
Take each day at a time- don’t stress about how long this will go on for without an answer- this is only a one week plan!! just try it!!
Give H space to think and don’t get insulted by every thing he doesn’t do- focus on the positive things he does do
Explore new things to do- new hobby/future/ school etc – whether it be with H in life or without
Try to tell H some of your feelings and some of the things you want in a clear non threatening way – passive nature DOES NOT LIKE threatening & angry
Do not expect or demand a response and validate any response that I get from H
If begin to feel like im gonna lose control- go out!- visit friend or something
Write things down in a book if something mega stressing you out rather than yell at H- if you REALLY think he needs to be told – think about it and wait till the end of the week!
* some feedback on these goals would be great-- does anyone hav any ideas or comments? H quite happy to give this a shot- just to try and get a bit of head space... he a bit reluctant to try at first as he kept asking ' are you sure you can do these things though?' my response was i will try very hard and when put it into perspective it IS only a one week plan- i feel if we try to have a reasonable week we can make a bit more progress in counselling next week rather than spending $120 bucks talking about all the crisis weve been through for the week!- maybe we can talk about some of the real issues!
well ive got through 1.5days on my new plan so far- and it HAS been hard - but do-able! I also had two big crisis at work today- so it was lovely to have something divert my attention for a little while
Sounds like he was just what you needed, though. 
Slowly
