yeah hes had a fear of flying since our honeymoon three years ago- but felt it was time to conquer his fears - particularly as its only a short flight- thus why we booked it- its a trip thats been planned for 6 months- however it was onlyabout a month ago we actually booked the tickets- thus why Im very peeved! its the combination of the flying dilemma now mixed with all thats been going on thats resulted in him changing his mind....
Ive really considered going on my own- quite seriously actually.. but its really something i dont want to do- i want to avoid doing things JUST to get him thinking- theres all this talk about - do what you enjoy, have your own fun, explore who you are etc..... well Im really not one to trek off on a holiday by myself- its certainly not something i want to do...
but i do know i have to use that time to do things i want - unfortunately Ive got no buddies who can get the time off quick enough to use the tickets though
- im quite sad today- H has his big exhibition... Ive been looking forward to this for so long, and have been so proud to see the result of all his hard work over the past years of study ... Im really having trouble being happy about it now coz Ive just got running around my head- this is such a big event in our lives but he doesnt even know if he wants to share this and the future of it with me or not....I know Ive gotta stop thinknig like this- but it really is hard.
I caved a bit last night- I went in to drop off some of his work - and felt really awkward meeting his school freinds- as he says he has spoken to some of them about whats going on... it felt yuk coz i was paranoid they were thinknig ' oh there that poor girl whos husband wants to leave her'... etc etc- we went out for dinner afterwards and i just broke down into tears - I tried so hard - but jsut couldnt help it. I spilled my guts a bit and said- 'i feel so uncomfortable.. that felt so uncomfortable, and Im so paranoid even sitting here with you over dinner that you are judging and analysing me and thinking Im boring an dthat you dont want to be with me' ooops--- Im so peeved with myself for doing that!! but H was good- and said - dont be silly, Im not thinking that at all- we just need to enjoy each other and have fun, we'll be ok' the reassurance was gold to me- but Im still annoyed at myself because Im sick of him feeling sorry for me and seeing me upset
hopefully I can brave it all and enjoy myself tonight- just gotta get those silly negative thoughts out of my head -- and try not to cry or something! xxxxxx
