ann - i am so sorry you are going through this too- unfortunately i say i am glad u r going through it though coz it makes me feel less of a freak!- but dont stress- we will both get through this!
slowly- thankyou so much for checking in and giving me constant support- u r ace!
here is my story today! the weirdest thing happened today- yesterday- i lost the plot-- i said too much, got angry, smashed up his homework room, threw the bills at him (which i always pay) and said 'you want change - you want something else- here-- you are in charge of paying the $500 worth of bills we have! I also told H he was weak and selfish for not even telling me yet if he is prepared to work things out-- i said well what are doing here- just using me till you decide! I went to bed angry.... i woke up crying (still in shock of all this)... then comes the miracle......
slowly, you asked me how i went with the mascara... well, today i went and bought it and fate stepped in.. the make up artist selling it at the counter asked me if i wanted waterproof or not, he said if i swim, or cry a lot- get waterproof, otherwise dont. I told him i am crying a lot... well it turns out this guy is a counsellor- i kid you not- he spent and hour and a half talking to me about the whole Relationship thing ---and it was incredible!- free counselling! This guy told me what i already knew, but hearing it from a stranger, purely from the kindness of his heart- was just wot i needed. He reminded me of the following- -H is truly confused and dont be too hard on him - give him time & let him grow- he will come back he just needs space to grow - I need to love myself- do things i love, talk to myself in the mirror - dont yell at him and give him a hard time- it pushes him further away and does nothing - go out with the people who love me- use their support and use this time to reevaluate myself and love myself again - be supportive & there for H- be tender & understanding, but remind him i am always here if he needs me - it is normal to grow apart in a R- however without there being preassure and resentment- two people will grow back together after exploring their thoughts - dont ' chase' men- men do not like this- it freaks them out - dont stress about the kid thing- its a huge responsibilty and there is plenty of time - stay together in the home if that is wot he is doing- just be independant and kind and he will most likely come back together
he also told me the fact that Hs father is never there for him is a huge deal in all of this- H has no strong role model to look to for advice or suggestion- he said this would be extremely confusing for H- and to empathise with this- it makes it even more confusing for him.
well- after all of this I was over the moon- feeling great and happy and confident- infact.. i still feel great. I went to the pub with freinds tonight without H- i asked if he wanted to go and he said he has too much Homework- H appeared a bit stressed with me going- he gave me a nice kiss and asked when i would be home- i reassured him i didnt know but would be home not too late.
H then sent me a text after an hour it read: Hey! good to see you at least looking like you are feeling a bit better maybe!-
yesterday- i would have got defensive.... oh great he is happy im going out and probably hopes im with someone else so he can leave me.... but today i see it as A POSITIVE- I think he felt calmed, not preassured and a bit guilt free- I think all the guilt he feels is really getting in the way of him thinking clearly.
I had quite a good time at the pub- taking the advice of the man at the make up counter- i decided against just kissing some bloke to make me feel better--- I did hav opportunities to Im sure, (I looked stunning!) but it felt good to jsut be me, chat and have a few drinks with freinds i havent seen for a long time... it really wasnt that painful at all!
I think i realise i can go on like this-- H is still here- it must mean something- Im not expecting a miracle--and sure i feel a bit nervous of what will become-- but I certainly have the capacity to still enjoy my life and be happy ...... i really hop this feeling lasts! I also am going to stop panicking a counsellor may make things worse - and go see one!-- H is open to seeing one too- so i think thats one of my big goals now
thanx for listening to my big fat story- I will keep u updated! xxxxxxx
