i just hav no idea how to work through the whole kid problem- at the moment it just doesnt feel important to me anymore! all this has just freaked me out so much that ive realised i love him sooo much i dont even care if i dont hav kids?- this is weird coming from me coz initially i said if he doesnt want kids - ill hav to leave coz its so important to me-- i think maybe this was just a threat though in hindsight! - i wish i wasnt so full on in my original reactions- i think its really just scared him away more
my goals this week are: -go to work (big effort- coz i feel like curling into a ball and sooking) -look into going back to painting classes once per week -go and hav fun somewhere and meet up with some people who love me -not harass him (also a big effort!) - do some of the things i love that i havent done in ages (listen to music real loud- not do the dishes- cook something cool)
i dont really hav any other goals
i feel really yuk today- this whole patience, giving him space idea etc is all very good in theory - but it doesnt feel very empowering really? I totally understand his needs now from reading this great site- and i realise maybe i wasnt thinking of his needs- but really- isnt it a two waystreet? hes really not even taking into account what my needs are?? which makes me think hes either stupid or not a kind person- i married a man absolutely devoted to me who always had huge respect for me-- i dont know what happened to him? - i think hes still in there- but how long do i go on waiting for him to come back!
sorry- im a bit negative today - but i think putting all this out through this message board is a lot better than attacking him with it all!
Theres been some great progress really- - he kissed my on the cheek last night when he thought i was asleep - he rang me twice today and talked for about half hour ( nothing about R though) - he told me he will still go away with me on my holidays next week 0 even though he is not sure about it because its weird considering all thats happened.
Another thing i feel though is Im constantly trying to be this person and overanalysing how i am behaving- im almost afraid to do leisure activities out of fear that i will be boring!
ugggh - im all over the place- isnt love a crazy thing!
thnakyou so much for your words of wisdom- it really helps me find clarity in all this confusion! xxxxxx
