hi guys- ive moved on from newcomers hoping to get some more advice- in my previous post i expained H had left for some 'time out' it absolutely killed me because this time out was for him to decide if he wanted to try & fix marriage- well, after many tears - but me pretending on phone everything ok to him- he came back home last night saying he was ready & wanted to see me. while he was out soul searching he asked me where i was and i happily said he didnt need to know and i was just out'- this killed him and he became really curious and intigued where i was.- i liked this- it showed me he did care anyways- we went out for a freinds b day drinks together and I acted all cool and mysterious and happy- didnt get into any R talks which annoyed me, but i kept my cool. H did mention he was worried to come back because 'what if' we cant fix it and he also worried that' eveyone' hates him. I just kept it breif and said we need to take little steps and not get too stressed about the 'what ifs'
there has been no R talk at all other than this. It pissed me off when out last night that while H ignoring me and in big discussion with some guy - he failed to notice that an absolute sleaze bag was flirting with me, trying to tell me to have an affair and saying really inappropriate sexual things to me. I told H about this when we left and said -'oh dont worry -they were just words' grrrr We actually slept together last night and it was quuite like old times - exciting and fun and wonderful- this hasnt happened in a long time- and i actually initiated it.
In the morning H basically ignored me- no touch, hug, kiss- anything. I kept playing it cool- had a big bubble bath and listened to music. H enthrawled in homework ignoring - so i went out. didnt say where i went- and when asked just said ' out for a coffee'
heres my questions- H knows we need to work on things but not getting into any Discussion about what we may do or anything- Im worried he thinks just being here will fix it - and when it doesnt he will run again?- is there ever a time where I can bring things up- or is that jsut scaring him away?
2. at times he asks how i am - I am terrible and cry in secret am riddled with fear and low confidence, and petrified he is going to get deeply involved with this silly work girl he is attracted to - when he asks how I am what do i say?- do i be truthful at all or jsut say- "Im fine its all cool- how are you?
3. how long do i go along pretending everythings fine when i think we need to at least set a few small goals to work on- even if its just one?
Sorry if these are dumb questions- i still dont have the book-coz none of the bookshops i went to had it- does anyone know what bookstores in Aus stock it?
H also asking if i want to do anything tonight as Im bored- I said its fine and I'll find something to do no worries- he said cool coz he needs to do homework- however I really do want to go out with him- but just trying to play it cool- how distant do you actually be? Should i have said- that would be great to go out (its just i felt he didnt want to do anything and would resent me for not getting homework done??/) - I dunno- its all so confusing! am i doin this right? xxx
Quote: H knows we need to work on things but not getting into any Discussion about what we may do or anything- Im worried he thinks just being here will fix it - and when it doesnt he will run again?- is there ever a time where I can bring things up- or is that jsut scaring him away?
Until you feel 100% confident he is ready for a discussion, do not talk about the R. Let your actions speak for you. Look into yourself, and what makes you happy. Keep busy. Make friends. Smile around him.
Quote: 2. at times he asks how i am - I am terrible and cry in secret am riddled with fear and low confidence, and petrified he is going to get deeply involved with this silly work girl he is attracted to - when he asks how I am what do i say?- do i be truthful at all or jsut say- "Im fine its all cool- how are you?
What do you think makes him ask you - is it in response to your sadness? Either way, you do not want to be the person he associates with personal failure. You want him to think good things when he thinks of you What does ow have that you think makes her attractive to your H?
Quote: 3. how long do i go along pretending everythings fine when i think we need to at least set a few small goals to work on- even if its just one?
Goal setting works best when you are doing it for yourself. Try not to control the pace of his changes, focus on yourself.
This can be done, but you need a lot of patience. And the book. I got mine on Amazon. Also, the Keeping Love Alive threads are helpful.
thanks so much -its great to get some answers and support-
and the mascara thing didnt work out really coz i felt yuk at the shops so left early before I managed to get to the shop which sold it! - but i guess it can b one of my goals!
one of my problems is i dont know anything about the ow!so cant figure out what it is that he is attracted to her for---do i ask him that??I kinda asked him to think about it before (but in a positive way) coz they might be some things i could work on- he just doesnt really talk about anything at all!its so annoying!
all i know is from a freind of his who met her once- she is younger and has tattoos? - that doesnt give me much to work on - i have tatoos too thats not it!Im also not an oldie! All H has told me when i did ask in my original rage was that she was nice and that he felt sorry for her coz her mum was dying. Im nice too- and am not exactly gonna poison mum or anything to get his sympathy vote! he also said he began talking to her about our marriage and the problem that he didnt want kids but i do- i think more than anything he may have got caught up in an emotional relationship??/ who knows!
i have that horrible feeling in my gut- that i just want to know everything! i know that supposedly doesnt really help anyway if you know
I did however get H to agree on one thing with me to start progress with sorting though the M probs. He agreed to - remove her no. from his phone, not get into conversations with her, try and distance himself from her and sit with his other mates.
I told him to work on the M he really needs to distance himself or it may end up being dangerous. H totally agreed- and said he was already going to start doing this. The thought of him going to work makes me sick- but i guess with this plan i'll feel a bit better! He didnt ask me what my little goal was- which is good- coz its just to play cool, get a bit interesting and try and be happy and understanding to him- even though i do feel like losing my mind!
Hi - Sounds like lots of good progress to build on.
Quote: he also said he began talking to her about our marriage and the problem that he didnt want kids but i do-
I guess this is how it started for many people. Are these problems real, have you worked through them? You may not always have to talk about them in order to demonstrate that what he thinks are serious issues can be managed.
i just hav no idea how to work through the whole kid problem- at the moment it just doesnt feel important to me anymore! all this has just freaked me out so much that ive realised i love him sooo much i dont even care if i dont hav kids?- this is weird coming from me coz initially i said if he doesnt want kids - ill hav to leave coz its so important to me-- i think maybe this was just a threat though in hindsight! - i wish i wasnt so full on in my original reactions- i think its really just scared him away more
my goals this week are: -go to work (big effort- coz i feel like curling into a ball and sooking) -look into going back to painting classes once per week -go and hav fun somewhere and meet up with some people who love me -not harass him (also a big effort!) - do some of the things i love that i havent done in ages (listen to music real loud- not do the dishes- cook something cool)
i dont really hav any other goals
i feel really yuk today- this whole patience, giving him space idea etc is all very good in theory - but it doesnt feel very empowering really? I totally understand his needs now from reading this great site- and i realise maybe i wasnt thinking of his needs- but really- isnt it a two waystreet? hes really not even taking into account what my needs are?? which makes me think hes either stupid or not a kind person- i married a man absolutely devoted to me who always had huge respect for me-- i dont know what happened to him? - i think hes still in there- but how long do i go on waiting for him to come back!
sorry- im a bit negative today - but i think putting all this out through this message board is a lot better than attacking him with it all!
Theres been some great progress really- - he kissed my on the cheek last night when he thought i was asleep - he rang me twice today and talked for about half hour ( nothing about R though) - he told me he will still go away with me on my holidays next week 0 even though he is not sure about it because its weird considering all thats happened.
Another thing i feel though is Im constantly trying to be this person and overanalysing how i am behaving- im almost afraid to do leisure activities out of fear that i will be boring!
ugggh - im all over the place- isnt love a crazy thing!
thnakyou so much for your words of wisdom- it really helps me find clarity in all this confusion! xxxxxx
Hi there - I'm sorry to hear you are feeling yucky, it will happen, and the only way is through it. I like your goals, the all seem very do-able. Will you post progress here?
Quote: this whole patience, giving him space idea etc is all very good in theory - but it doesnt feel very empowering really?
It sure feels that way doesn't it? But, over time, I did find that by me making the decision to get on with my own thing, and interacting with NG when we BOTH wanted to, it was actually quite liberating.
In terms of what is interesting versus what is boring, best may be to do what YOU want to do, and let the rest of it follow. Life is too short to posture, no? Take for example painting, I would love to be able to do this, and so admire folks who can paint. Have you ever shown your work? Artists have such a romantic air about them
ahhhhh - the not harassing him thing goal is really not going well!he he - oops- am so angry today still- sick of letting the anger bubble inside - so i went off my tree!- oops.....im really trying to contain myself from doing a movie moment- smashing all his stuff, chucking out on the front lawn and screaming ' if u cant even make a bit of effort or talk to me- then --- off!' im sure i would truly regret this though-- its a nice little fantasy though! H is now saying he wont go away with me anymore- its too 'uncomfortble' for him.... hes doing such a good job of protecting himself through all this.... I wish i was so good at it!! i know i can be good at it- but just cant seem to allow myself to feel good about anything!!
im seriously considering going to the pub and just picking up anyone- - - just so i can feel attractive again, jsut so i can hav a conversation with a man truly interseted in me again.... i know this is so dumb- and i shouldnt have to rely on another person to make me feel happy about myself...i guess i kinda want to do that aswell hoping he gets hurt by it in some way--- how evil is that! i just feel that if he had any idea what im going through and the rejection i feel--- he surely couldnt do this to me! i dunno -what a morbid, sad person ive become!
sorry guys for being so depressing--- i promise i will find some positives and let u know soon
Looking forward to your positives. This is a tough journey, and there will be days when you are simply off your game. What helped me get back on track was having goals, and seeing (slow) progress - every little bit helps.
I'm glad I found you over here. Our situations are sooo similar. When I read your post, it was like reading what I have been thinking and going through. I too, am a total mess today, I posted it on the newcomers BB. I just don't know how much longer I can do this. The 180's and detaching have helped, We have been getting along better. When he doesn't know where I am he calls right away to fing me, with a lame reason why. Then I start to get excited and try to make things fix themselves faster and we are back to where we started from. I don't know how much lnger I can deal. Sometimes I wish he would just leave. Baby or no baby is another issue for us. And like you I have always wanted one, but now reconsidering if that's what I need to do to keep him. Anyway, Just wanted to let you know -I agree this is really hard amd really terrible. Hang in there- I'll tell myself the ame thing.
ann - i am so sorry you are going through this too- unfortunately i say i am glad u r going through it though coz it makes me feel less of a freak!- but dont stress- we will both get through this!
slowly- thankyou so much for checking in and giving me constant support- u r ace!
here is my story today! the weirdest thing happened today- yesterday- i lost the plot-- i said too much, got angry, smashed up his homework room, threw the bills at him (which i always pay) and said 'you want change - you want something else- here-- you are in charge of paying the $500 worth of bills we have! I also told H he was weak and selfish for not even telling me yet if he is prepared to work things out-- i said well what are doing here- just using me till you decide! I went to bed angry.... i woke up crying (still in shock of all this)... then comes the miracle......
slowly, you asked me how i went with the mascara... well, today i went and bought it and fate stepped in.. the make up artist selling it at the counter asked me if i wanted waterproof or not, he said if i swim, or cry a lot- get waterproof, otherwise dont. I told him i am crying a lot... well it turns out this guy is a counsellor- i kid you not- he spent and hour and a half talking to me about the whole Relationship thing ---and it was incredible!- free counselling! This guy told me what i already knew, but hearing it from a stranger, purely from the kindness of his heart- was just wot i needed. He reminded me of the following- -H is truly confused and dont be too hard on him - give him time & let him grow- he will come back he just needs space to grow - I need to love myself- do things i love, talk to myself in the mirror - dont yell at him and give him a hard time- it pushes him further away and does nothing - go out with the people who love me- use their support and use this time to reevaluate myself and love myself again - be supportive & there for H- be tender & understanding, but remind him i am always here if he needs me - it is normal to grow apart in a R- however without there being preassure and resentment- two people will grow back together after exploring their thoughts - dont ' chase' men- men do not like this- it freaks them out - dont stress about the kid thing- its a huge responsibilty and there is plenty of time - stay together in the home if that is wot he is doing- just be independant and kind and he will most likely come back together
he also told me the fact that Hs father is never there for him is a huge deal in all of this- H has no strong role model to look to for advice or suggestion- he said this would be extremely confusing for H- and to empathise with this- it makes it even more confusing for him.
well- after all of this I was over the moon- feeling great and happy and confident- infact.. i still feel great. I went to the pub with freinds tonight without H- i asked if he wanted to go and he said he has too much Homework- H appeared a bit stressed with me going- he gave me a nice kiss and asked when i would be home- i reassured him i didnt know but would be home not too late.
H then sent me a text after an hour it read: Hey! good to see you at least looking like you are feeling a bit better maybe!-
yesterday- i would have got defensive.... oh great he is happy im going out and probably hopes im with someone else so he can leave me.... but today i see it as A POSITIVE- I think he felt calmed, not preassured and a bit guilt free- I think all the guilt he feels is really getting in the way of him thinking clearly.
I had quite a good time at the pub- taking the advice of the man at the make up counter- i decided against just kissing some bloke to make me feel better--- I did hav opportunities to Im sure, (I looked stunning!) but it felt good to jsut be me, chat and have a few drinks with freinds i havent seen for a long time... it really wasnt that painful at all!
I think i realise i can go on like this-- H is still here- it must mean something- Im not expecting a miracle--and sure i feel a bit nervous of what will become-- but I certainly have the capacity to still enjoy my life and be happy ...... i really hop this feeling lasts! I also am going to stop panicking a counsellor may make things worse - and go see one!-- H is open to seeing one too- so i think thats one of my big goals now
thanx for listening to my big fat story- I will keep u updated! xxxxxxx
