I've been married for 5 years now (I'm 24 he's 39) and since the begining of our marriage it seemed our sex life has become non existant unless I mention it, then we'll have sex a few times and it will be along time before it happens again. We have went through alot together. Living abroad in a country where no one hardly understood me put alot of stress on our marriage then dealing with infertility for 3 years (we finally have one child now). My husband and I got into a heated arguement today that turned very ugly( and i mean real ugly) and what was worst was I told him I hated him and wanted to divorce mostly because I have brought up our poor sex life over and over again and it never seems to get better. It has gotten so bad that when we argue I never ever reveal why I am angry because it's almost embarassing to me that I (the wife) have to ask or be rejected. I'm not saying sex is the only important thing in a relationship but I wished my husband found me that desirable to want to have sex with me. When he rejects me I feel like trash and even worst when I talk to other women it as if their husband can't keep their hands off them. And then I feel like the oddball or the ugly undesirable wife. I have even conte,plated taking anything known to decrease my sex drive. I figure if I'm not thinking about it, it won't hurt me. And maybe I can accept my marriage for what it is and just accept the good things like him being a good father and provider. Cheating is something I could never do. I'm not sure what to do. I feel like giving up on having THAT kind of marriage. Undesirable
You're right. I couldn't keep my hands off my wife but with the D I haven't touched her in a year! But, I've remained loyal. Maybe counseling is in order? You don't explain why and there's got to be a reason. good luck.
Know this....you aren't alone. I'm in much the same situation you are...and so are others on here. My H and I are going to counseling right now and it's helping our communication....but I'm still waiting for him to do something sexually.....right now I'm about at the end of my rope. Have you two considered counseling?
Quote: I'm not saying sex is the only important thing in a relationship but I wished my husband found me that desirable to want to have sex with me. When he rejects me I feel like trash and even worst when I talk to other women it as if their husband can't keep their hands off them.
There are several of us women here struggling with this...
You imply that it's been like this from the beginning... was there ever a time when your desire was more equal? GEL is right... counseling can help. Even if it doesn't help y'all as a couple, it can help you alone to sort out your feelings. And it really helps to have someone to whom you can pour out your whole story. Please consider going alone even if he isn't interested at first.
and even worst when I talk to other women it as if their husband can't keep their hands off them. And then I feel like the oddball or the ugly undesirable wife.
This is not something you should base your self worth on. This is so uneven. I may feel like my H cannot keep his hands of me. And Honey or Gel or Lil may feel like there S dont't touch them enough. Are H's may give us the exact same amount of attention this way. But how much we want of it is how we percieve the amount that our S give us.
Say each of our spouses give us a hug and kiss 3 times a day. I am the LD so I do not crave alot of physical contact. My H giving me two to three hugs or kisses a week may satisfy me so 3 times a day seems excessive and like he cannot keep his hands off me . A HD recieves there 3 time time a day ration and can still not feel satisfied or fufilled with this they want 5 times a day and anything less leaves them feel lacking. We are getting the same amount of attention from our spouses but how we view it is completely different. Do you see what I am saying.
There are a lot of LD woman out there. And alot of them feel they have a well balanced sex life if they have sex once a month. So unless you know how these people feel about sex and how active they are sexually I would not think you should base much of your selfworth on what they say.
Well that is all the insight I have for you many other people her can offer you wonderful advise. And they will. The board is more active durring the week the then weekends.
Before we got married our sex life was good. It wasn't an issue until after we got married few weeks after we got married we were preparing to move and thats when I noticed things changing in the bedroom. He told me it was the stress of moving. I was bothered by it ofcourse but I let it go. We moved and the same thing happened once we got to our destination to him there was always something interfering whether it was moving or the issues with his family constantly not giving us privacy shortly after we got married. And yes I complained about it because their intrusiveness didn't leave us any alone time as newly weds. Till this day my husband thinks its my fault for how I reacted because once he woke up his relatives would call him down stairs to socialize and when he wakes up usuaully he only has 2 hours before he can go to work well those two hours were used up by his family and that really angered me. The arguements turned pretty ugly between us and his family picked up on my dislike for them even tho they didn't understand english. We finally moved to our new place which removed us from that tension but our sex life never came back and shortly after I found out I had issue with infertility which made things worst. We have tried counseling back then but the counselor thought our problems would be resolved if we moved back to the U.S. since the language barrier kept me from doing alot of things there. We finally moved from their 4 years later. But I felt going to that counselor was a waste of time..maybe that person wasn't qualified to handle our situation. Whats keeping us from getting counseling now? Money (since he decided to cut back his hours) and the posibility of the counseling not helping.
I can speak first hand that you need to find the right fit in counselors for you....if you don't feel the C you have is working for you....then change, find one you are both comfortable with....it makes all the difference!!!
Also, if at all possible try to go together, it makes a big difference....our current C saw each of us separately for 3 times each...then started seeing us together, that way she had a very clear picture of where each of us stood in the R and what problems we had with each other, specifically....in order to be able to help guide us back towards each other. Now it's true, we still have one major problem (sex, and the lack thereof) but our communication has much improved....and now, I feel (even though things ar rough right now) that we are at the beginning of finally breaking through. I'll talk to a lampost, doesn't matter to me....I'll be as open and honest as possible in order to work things out....my H on the other hand is a tough cookie, he just won't let things out, so for us it was important to find a C he was comfortable talking to....but who would also call him on his behavior when necessary. And, keep in mind that if you do begin to see a C that this doesn't mean the problems will be solved quickly....even though you are seeing a C things can (and probably will) still take time....so try not to make your expectations too high that things will miraculously be fixed in a week, a month, or six months....k?
Believe me, I sympathize with you....I'm in your shoes and it's not a fun place to be. In fact it can be quite lonely.
I wish Focused Flutist would post here. She was an expat American, living in Finland. She was the LDW and was facing some issues that seem common between the two of you.
HD Focused Flutist husband was the LD person and had an anger problem. If I Remember correctly, the last time he had sex with FF was before the last babies were born. He looked at porn but would not touch her and she wanted a physical him to interact with her. Something like no sex for 7 years comes to mind.
You are way ahead of her. You get it 2X or 3X a year. Not funny I know. Just using some borrowed HairDog humor? Maybe I miss used my Hiardog humor kit. It came with this internet connection, no extra charge.
Yes, it would be nice to hear from FF. I wish her the best.
My ex and I dated for a few years before we married. Great sex!! Then we married, moved right away to Germany where he had rented a house is a small German village. I was miserable!! No one spoke English, I didn't speak German and my ex was working 10/12 hours a day. On top of that he was a home body so, weekends were spent shut up in a house in a small German village and becoming even more miserable.
I started complaining and expressing my unhappiness and he started withholding sex. I'm thinking you are in pretty much the same situation I was in. We were two very angry people...I was angry at the extreme changes in my life and my lack of control over my life. He was angry but, being raised by parents who didn't show anger he had to get back at me in an underhanded way....sending me the message that I was undesirable.
Your husband is being passive/aggresive in his response to your anger over the sexual issue. You aren't going to make any changes in the situation going about it the way you are now.
You've been angry, hurt and upset over the sex for years. You've expressed it to your husand in the same way for years. You keep getting the same results don't you? No sex and more distance in your relationship.
Do me a favor, get online and do some research on passive/aggressive behavior. Don't let some of what you read scare you cause there are some hard core haters in the world who will say that a situation like yours can't be fixed. You need to learn to communicate your displeasure to him in a way that is not threatening to him. Then you will begin to get positive results and what you want...more sex. Good luck!! Cathy
Not funny I know. Just using some borrowed HairDog humor? Maybe I miss used my Hiardog humor kit. It came with this internet connection, no extra charge.