Though I pretty much lambasted CeMar early on in this post I will tell you I really have followed him around the board. His venom is a reminder to us LDs that there are people out there that cannot be satisfied regaurdless. Which most of us have accused our mates of being that person. He helps give perspective to the fact our mates are not truely like that. CeMar does not answer any form of direct questions often. Why he only derives validation from this board. That seems to be his soul purpose for coming here. He spews blame on all that do not actively want sex. Does not try to see any other perspective then his own. Then departs the conversation as soon as he is done. I felt sorry for him awhile back ago. I thought he never got any. Then I ran across a post where not only was he insistant that his wife owed it to him and he felt when they did have sex it was not good enough for him. That the reason she had sex with him was not good enough for him. Hello you make the poor woman feel like she is paying a debt that she owes you then you are gonna complain because they did not bring you crisp fresh dollar bills. WTF! Do you really think she would go the extra mile to go to the bank and turn in the stragly money for crisp new ones when all she really wants is to pay you the debt you feel she owes and get you off her back. Oh thats right she owes it to you to do this also! Comming here only to validate his feelings and vent them is not helping him and I am sure it is not making him try to understand his wife any. He walks away feeling his is right and she is wrong just like he walked in feeling. Most of us here vent then listen to others constructive advise to try to help resolve our issues. But CeMar walks into a conversation only hears the basics of it sprews his venom and slithers off like a snake. Wow enough said from me on this little rant
C'mon Chrissy, can't you open up and share your feelings?
If that is the case, then CeMar (and others of the same mindset) are really misunderstanding the purpose of this BB. It's DivorceBusting, not SpouseB!tching. Am I frustrated & angry at my S? Absolutely. Does it make me want to scream, and angry at LD women in general? Occassionally. Would that be helpful to me, or anyone else? Aside from the relief gained by venting, no. That was why I suggested if these were persistent (which you seemed to indicate CeMar's expressed feelings were, across the BB) conditions in your R, GET HELP! You're probably beyond the "read a book, practice the philosophy" phase, and need to get a professional involved to save the M. Occassionally sharing those feelings on the BB is probably a good thing, and may help LD folks understand the internal turmoil HD people have. But if all you ever have to contribute to a conversation is "my LD S is bad, doesn't do enough, doesn't care enough, etc.," then you need to ask yourself (a) why that is, and (b) what positive steps you are willing to take to change the sitch. The picture I have in my mind of people like this is the Debbie Downer character from SNL...always focused on the negative, and driving everyone else around them crazy - even if the complaints/observations are valid & accurate.
I have read the "Five Love Languages" as well as a ton of other books. I know that my love language is physical touch, and that my #1 need in marriage is sexual fulfillment, and my #2 need is affection. That is 75% of the marriage right there for me. For my wife her love language is NOT physical touch and probably is acts of service. Her needs in marriage are Financial support, and maybe quality time together. But NOTHING that involves physical touch.
Unfortunately, I think that physical touch is the HARDEST love language to learn if it is not your primary love language. Why? Because physical touch can not be faked, it must be genuine, it is EASY to see when it is not genuine.
Should I try to meet her needs, yes. No doubt. So then what does SHE do. How does a very LD women actually become HD again? I have been reading honeypots posts, and I feel the exact same way that she does, she wants to see REAL desire from her spouse, well the same is true for me, I want REAL desire from the wife. Willingness for sex is NOT acceptable. Passionate marriages require desire from BOTH spouses. What is the point of marriage when only one spouse has desire for the other? That is a very unbalanced marriage, it is very unhealthy.
If you had asked me a week (just 1 week!) ago whether I was LD or HD, I would have definitely said LD. For a long time, I have not wanted any type of physical intimacy with my H. With that being said, I have just recently read 5LL and gave my H the "reader's digest" version. We both took the quizzes at the end, but I already knew what the results would be before we did so. My H is primary Physical Touch, secondary Words of Affirmation. I speak two LLs, Receiving Gifts and Acts of Service (1 point apart on quiz). I answered just ONE question for physical touch. After reading the book and realizing just HOW important it is to him, I have decided to be the one to start the change, even though just a short while ago, I was ready to walk from my marriage. I have started doing things for him that I don't enjoy in and of itself, such as giving massages or initiating ML. BUT, my desire to love him in his language is very strong. So, I do not think it is difficult to be genuine if you truly want to make that person feel loved.
I think all of us yearn to be loved. And I know that in order to receive what I need from my H, I have to start fulfilling his needs. While I am still harboring a little resentment for being the one to start changes when I was the one who wanted to leave, I am without a doubt trying to do my very best to save my marriage.
With that little experience being shared, I want to encourage you to take a long look into yourself and be the one to step up to the plate and love your wife in her language WITHOUT expectations. And when the time is right, when her "love tank is overflowing," be candid with her, not accusatory or demanding, and explain your needs and LL... encourage her to read the book.
One thing you really need to get over is the "desire for sex" versus the "willingness for sex." You need to recognize that your wife may never feel the same way as you towards physical touch and intimacy, but that does not change the fact that she is or would be willing to love you in your LL.
Although, I am now unsure if I am LD or HD, I do know that I desire to please my husband and speak his LL. I now give him little random hugs, offer to massage his back without him asking, and initiate sex. The activities themselves I do not enjoy with the same intensity he does (not even close!), but my H recognizes these for what they are, acts of love. And he responds in kind! He is starting to do little things for me without grumbling or me asking. These are things I know he doesn't enjoy, but he desires to show me love in one of my languages. These actions makes me want to show him more love! It is a wonderful cycle! Willingness to have sex or show affection when it does not come naturally is one of the most ultimate expressions of love, imho.
Quote: For my wife her love language is NOT physical touch and probably is acts of service. Her needs in marriage are Financial support, and maybe quality time together. But NOTHING that involves physical touch.
If financial support is one of her biggies, then would it be safe to assume that the financial difficulties you have referenced are impacting your wife's feelings toward you?
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Unfortunately, I think that physical touch is the HARDEST love language to learn if it is not your primary love language. Why? Because physical touch can not be faked, it must be genuine, it is EASY to see when it is not genuine.
Cemar, this is self-defeating bullsh*t and it comes across as an attempt to push your particular needs forward as being the most special and most difficult to see resolved.
If your spouse's primary need is financial support and you have a strong desire to be a stay-at-home parent or a struggling entrepreneur - how easy do you think that dichotomy is to accomplish?
Or if recreational activities are his/her primary need and you just happen to be the world's biggest couch potato who can't stand the idea of leaving the house? Just how easy is that to overcome?
Take conversation - how many spouses want deep, meaningful talks only to find themselves married to caveperson who expresses him/herself primarily in grunts and god forbid if emotion (outside of sports and/or soap operas) is involved.
Which is harder - reaching out to give your spouse a hug for a minute or two, or spending 20 minutes yakking about some mundane inane topic and actually listening without letting your eyes noticeably glaze over?
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Should I try to meet her needs, yes. No doubt. So then what does SHE do. How does a very LD women actually become HD again?
Your wife doesn't have to be high drive to sexually satisfy you.
Are you the strong, assertive, financially capable man she desires?
Maybe that's what it will take to make your LD wife a HD one.
Quote: I have been reading honeypots posts, and I feel the exact same way that she does, she wants to see REAL desire from her spouse, well the same is true for me, I want REAL desire from the wife. Willingness for sex is NOT acceptable.
Hey, poor business choices that leave your family in financial straits for years aren't acceptable either.
