Quote: I'm sorry if I projected my anger and frustration toward you and Jen; I do understand your larger point.
Gosh, I think I feel a group hug developing here!
Thanks Choc! I'm sure it gets a bit difficult to not personalize it when I'm telling you something that doesn't solve your problems then asking you to buy it and apply it to your W. Sucks! Wish there was an answer somewhere here for all of us..............
Lou, I think you are a gentleman and a good man. I'm sorry your W didn't find this board the same way I did, searching for help for a M that was feeling a bit lonely. I totally respect all you've gone through and the character you display here on the board. Hang in there because I believe help comes in ways we don't expect. It was quite an accident I found this board in the first place!
Gremlin, here's hoping she can find her way back... I'm pullin' for her, and me!
I actually talked to my H today about our situation while we were driving (have some great conversations that way, no pressure, no way to get out of the car...). I asked him flat out if he was happy with our Sl. Of course the reality hurts, but he did say that overall he was much happier now than he was this time last year! We didn't even ML on our anniversary.
This year, I gave him tickets for the two of us to go to a Rolling Stones concert, as well as spend two nights away without the kid! That hasn't happened in a long time. My mom is taking them. Well, he couldn't have been more happy, but it's the cottage we rented that is exciting him the most! I've already made some plans, and he is going to remember this one!
What he did bring up was the fact that I still control our SL and that it is still not as 'robust' as he would like it. Ouch! I got a bit defensive at first (Hi, I'm Jen and I'm defensive...) but then I opened up and just listened. He isn't angry, just sad and frustrated at times. I didn't bring up any excuses, just listened and made sure he knew I heard him.
He did say that he felt that I have been trying really hard lately, and he appreciated it. It doesn't quite add up to perfect, but he is happier and does find I'm willing almost everytime he asks. I mentioned that I noticed a drop in how frequently that was happening, and he said that he was trying to not 'bug' me. Thought I'd agree more often if he asked less often. He doesn't like to ask because it makes him nervous and tense, in case I turn him down.
One of the things that I suggested was that instead of verbally saying "Is tonight a good night?", he could 'banish me' to the tub in the evening while he finished with the kids as a way of asking without asking. That way I was clean, relaxed and child-free for a bit and could get in the mood. He agreed to give it a try! I also suggested a back rub in bed after my shower (do that almost every night before I go to sleep) and let it get a bit racy to 'ask'. I mention these things specifically in case they might help someone with ideas about how to 'ask' without having to come out and ask. I often find the verbal request a bit abrupt if I haven't been thinking along those lines up to that point.
Oh, but don't over do it though, or we'll start skipping our showers and having a tub when we know you won't find out!!!
To everyone else who added their words of support or advice, thank you! I take something from each one. Thanks for such a great response to my thread!
