jenoftheisland. Sorry you react so much to my post. I am not against you being LD. Just posting what problems it causes for the HD person. If we all could meet in person I would try to convey most of the things Chrissy seems to practice.

I also would speculate if your H did a few things more to your liking, the HD verses LD thing would be softened. I am not trying to get into a HD vs. LD discussion and say either one is right.

About me: I was never your typical guy.
So, there's nothing you've ever done during dating that you could say later wasn't 100% truthful? You've never used a line on a girl? Never stood a girl up
Maybe I am stupid but the answer is no. I had a somewhat deprived childhood and worked very hard for everything I ever got.

Life was too spartan to fool around. Almost every thing I did was a do or fail situation. I supported my mother until I was 24 and had little time or money left over for myself. I was drafted and sent money home according to the Army's scheduel so that left me with $68 to $98 a month in 1966.

When you have resources you can afford to fool around. When life is/was a struggel I tended to play it safe and real. I did the same things with my male friends, no reckless activities or thrill seeking. I am not saying I never had fun or didn't tell jokes. Just none of the toying around with other peopes feelings.

lied to her about your feelings?
Yes, to be nice to her and not hurt her feelings. That got me in trouble so it was not worth it. Maybe I should have burned a couple of bridges. At the time all bridges seem to have value.

Did you marry the first girl you dated?
Did not date much. Life is different when you have a mother to support and work 54 hours a week. My dad and stepdad died. No life insurance. They both were in poor health. No "Leave It to Beaver" "Lassie" or "Patrridge Family" life style for me.

No ILU to get into her pants. I saw what that did to young girls dating sleezball guys and did not want to be like them.

Sometimes sex/ML has to happen so the HD person does not think about sex most of the day.........Ok, I just HAD to jump on this one!
After no sex for 6 weeks, reading 2 more books ( W won't read any R books) and doing things her way, sometimes a guy gets the mind set it is time for something other than the stall tactics to happen. I work full time and W was a SAHM then worked for 15 years, then retired early. Who has the advantage here?

I would love to hear that your W has suddenly hit her pace and is jumpin' your bones every other night
WOW! That is a lot better than reluctantly once every six weeks. I do kid around sometimes.

How about 8X a month or 4X a month. My W/BB has time to watch old westerns that were filmed when we were kids and sitcoms from the 70's for 4 hours a day while I work full time. After rubbing her feet for an hour watching "Three's company reruns for the 4 time I don't understand why some of my wishes don't seem to fit in.

You:
I'm not sure how to bridge the gap between the HD person wanting a deeper connected love life, and the LD person having their feelings validated and being accepted for the way they are inside.
That is what many of us HD spouses are trying to do with the validated part. The being accepted IE sex once a month or 4 X a year part is the rough part for a HD person.

If being accepted means the LD mostly sets the pace and wants the HD to be dedicated and faithful to them, that is where the rub is. Just ask honeypot, greeneyedlass, and MM if once every month is good enough for them to be happy in a marriage.

Again I am not saying you shouldn't feel right about most of your LD feelings. I can see your point and have empathy for you. I don't think you did a bait and switch. What is your deasired frequency? What is your H's desired frequency? (not some inflated number some women claim is real)

side note=BB tells me I want it 3X a day and she wants it 3X a year. My desired frequency would be 2X a week and willing for the third time if BB really wanted to do it. I lived with 1X a week and it was reluctantly most of the time. This once a month/six weeks sucks. So I stay up till 2AM to compensate. Not much of a life. Back to you jen.

I do know some women that did a bait and switch on the camping interest. Some went camping to be with their BF at the time and seemed to be OK with it. I don't call that bait and switch but it was not totally honest. One woman did the camping thing until they got marriesd and she never went again like "I got the marriage license" now I don't have to do that anymore. That is bait and switch.

I'm stuck in low and feeling pretty bad about it.
Jen, do you feel stuck for life or just not able to find what you need for now. If I could gently and delicatly say something to make you feel a little better about your feelings to build your mood up a little, I would. Sometimes I may not come across as a protecting, caring person. I am not out to get anyone or say you have to change to doing things my way. Just looking at reality a little.

My main point is how much frustration some HD spouses feel being in a marriag where ML was happening 2X or 3x a week and now its duty sex once a month. I imagine that feels bad to both spouses.

Chrissy said something about HD spouse need to justify or say why they are HD. Here is a glimpse.

I. Lots more hormones than LD spouse.
2. Most fun I can have that is legal and very low cost.
2a. Was told sex before marriage was shameful.
3. I like ML more than any other optional activity.
3a. W can't get pregnant anymore, let the good times roll. W not interested now.
4. I sleep so much better after we have a mutual orgasam.
4a. I sleep better after having an O during LM.
4b. I sleep better knowing i have a special emotional and sexual connection with someone special.
4c. I sleep better after MBing if my partner is not interested in ML or sex.
5. I promised to forsake others and devote my time and energies to my W/BB.
6. If i have a bad day or several bad things happen to me, I can forget about them during LM.
7. I want my partner to have a good time and wish i could give some of my pleasure to them during LM.
8. Life is difficult, working in the hot sun for 8 hours seems doable when you start to think how wonderful it feels to lay together and stroke her smooth skin in the cool of the night.
8a. Those 3 nails that you missed and hit your finger instead, the two times you picked up a piece of hot metal you just cut with a tourch, that woman in a tube top (barely keeps her breasts in) that came into the shop with her short shorts on and sandals while you wore steel toed shoes and long pants, complaining about being uncomfortable because her air conditioner in her car was cool but not cold (nothing wrong with the a/c, just a hot day) are all tollerable because you can have time tonight to shower and be with your honey.
9. It is one way i feel connected to my spouse. W/O sex many things just seem like being room mates/friends, not lovers.
10. I might look at other women but i don't plan on making an emotional connection with them. I want an exclusive sex partner.

Then there are the kids, there feelings, BB feelings, finances, and etc that play into the picture. Most have some component of sexual feelings oe exclusiveness attached to them even if it is only small.

I am not writing a book but I hope you get the idea.

Jen ~feeling a bit down over this and not sure if this is the place I should be.
Jen, stay, learn what you can.

If it seems I am in your face, I am not there to be mean or say you are wrong. I am being honest to show you what it feels like from my own HD mind (HD/LD being relative) I dont know how miss matched you are with your spouse. And I don't know the reasons why there is a disconnect or what his issues are that you would like to change other than the HD/LD thing.

I am looking for answers too. I have found some but right now there only seems to be more questions than answers. Many problems solved but new ones take their place. Maybe I should not be here?

Lou