Your questions gave me reason to pause. Not because you asked them lol. But because they are not easy to answer. Nothing just jumps to mind in response.
What do I want him to be. Easy answer a individual with hopes dreams and wants that do not revolve around me but ones he has a want to share with me. I want a H and a M that enhance my life not consume and stifle it. And I want my H to want a W to enhance not comsume and stifle his life. I am bored with my H in truth CeMar I am bored with his lack of vision and drive to be a individual. I am stifled by his needs of me not just sexual needs though it does overflow into this area. I find nothing intriging or interesting about my H and I have allowed him to stifle me to the point I find nothing interesting or intriging in myself or life in general. This boredom and lack of interest runs over into every aspect of my life. From cleaning my house to having a orgasm it does not intrest or intrige me so I have no drive to do it. Any time I manage to rekindle a spark of interest in something he finds a way to squealch it and I unwittingly or knowingly give up and allow it to the point I give up on most everything. This is my cross to bear my response to his demanding and controling nature. Which seems odd since on a whole I make most decesions in our R as in finances what to eat and where to go. But that in itself is part of his control and part of his lack of being a individual. It also puts all the burden of blame on me if things do not go right. Just as he puts the burden of blame on me for our relationship which again adds to his contol. It is all so wierd like a vicious circle. I have complete control of his happiness with his lack of individualness everything relys on me. If I feed him sex him and remain by his side at all times and cater to his needs he is happy.But I have no control of my own happiness if going to the store with a friend or family member makes me happy then I am doing wrong because it is not about him. If I laugh at what someone else says and he then he later repeats the same words I am doing wrong if I do not find the repeat of the words humorous. See I am wrong no matter what I do if it is not about him and it is about me. We are married I am suppose to wake up every morning thinking of him and do nothing but that every sock I fold is suppose to be out of love for him every meal I cook should be for him and his enjoyment and on and on And I am not only suppose to be doing all this for him I am required to be happy and satisfied in life just to do only for him that makes it about me also in his perspective. Just a example to try to show what I am saying. My H does not like roast or meatloaf. I cook said offending things about 4 or 5 times a year. I have two sons who like these and in truth so do I. My H gets pissed and acts as if I have just cooked the dog and he is expected to eat it on those occassions. He is of the opinion that I should also cook something else on those days just for him. My H loves shrimp and hamburger helper and all kinds of things that my kids do not like in paticular when I cook these things my H feels they should shut up and just be glad I cooked something for them for dinner. And if they do not like it not to eat or make a sandwich.This happens more frequently then 4 - 5 times a year. WTF is that oh yeah hmmm not about him thats right thats what makes it different. So that is the answer to question one. Let me add here that in the past I know I seem to lambast and attach you on some of your responses. The reason why hmmmm well some hit very close to home as to how my H makes me feel with his behavior. And since you cannot physically threaten me I have the opp to try to find answers to his behavior through you. But you avoid answering my baitted responses most of the time. I wonder if at home you are a conflict avoider.
The answer to the second part of your question of how I see sex and affection in my idea relationship. I can not answer this it is not that I won't or do not want to I can not. I gave up belief in ever being in a idea relationship a long time ago. By doing so I gave up in what I believed would be a idea relationship. I am to old to believe in fairy tales and life has taught me for me there is no happily ever after. Since I cannot miss or long for what I do not allow myself to think about I have in truth pushed all idealist beliefs of what could be aside and settled for what is. It sucks and it is lonely but if I can atleast achieve peace it is one step better then achieving nothing. Which is where my idealist beliefs I once had got me in this relationship. See CeMar I am in a different place in a lot of ways then people here. I know to stay married I am facing a life of walking alone and not finding satifaction in my life I have excepted that. But my options are pretty bleak also. So to do what is in the best interest of my children and to stay within my own personal religous beliefs and to keep myself and others safe I am doing what is expected of me. What I agreed I would do the day I got married. What I agreed to do when I choose to have children. Do I believe this choice I made will be the one that is going to get me through the pearly gates on my demise no. Not unless my marriage is my repentence for earlier sins and I am not aware of it. ( I do sorta pray for this to be true at times). But what I believe is at least it is one less sin against my soul by at least trying to do what I think is right. I am here seeking understanding that is all. Understanding something allows me to deal with it with more knowledge. It helps me cope with things out of my control. It does not always mean I can change it or fix it but it does allow less confusion and resentment to cloud my mind and that is a good thing.
