Quote: And your frequency of having sex should have been stated before.
Frequency, depends on who you ask in my marriage. Ask her and she will tell you 2-3 times a month, ask me, and it is around once every 2 months. I am accurate, I have marked it down.
Re GEL I can easily tell you what's too much for me
GEL, I am glad you posted your experiences. I hope it helps CeMar or other guys. I don't have any/much experience with oral but did try it with BB one time so felt what I might post to be not worth much.
I get to the point where the feeling actually causes me to see stars because I'm breathing too irregularly I never knew it could be that intense GEL. What an inexperienced guy doesn't know. With out a willing partner, I guess the only way to learn is to ask and read. I suppose I could go the physical rout but I think thay call that cheating?
I have read some post by women on other sites and would have relayed those post here but thought one of the DB female posters, writing about their own feelings would carry much more weight.
Thanks for sharing your experiences and feelings GEL.
Re CeMar Ask her and she will tell you 2-3 times a month, ask me, and it is around once every 2 months Same remembered history here.
Who remembers what: One time BB was complaining about her car. I saw a $4,000 car I thought she would like. She was into her informercial shopping full speed and I wanted her to put $2,000 of her money and $2,000 of my money in to buy the car. BB did not talk to me for 2 days because I said I would not pay for all of the car.
Yesterday when I said things she does are over the line I brought up the $4,000 car event. BB could not remember not talking to me for 2 days. Same with the sex. I can remember getting turned down and she remembers it as me ignoring her sexual needs.
I guess we have to go back to those "10 school lunch tickets" where you punch out one of the numbers on the edge of the card, each time you get a hot lunch.
I don't see anyone getting through on the frequency count dilemma.
No problem...we're here to share and learn from each other. I cannot tell you how many times I have told my H I need him to back off of what he's doing, in order for me to enjoy the experience more...but he seems to have it programmed into his brain that if I'm squirming I must be enjoying myself, regardless if I'm squirming towards him or away from him. Each time he does attempt to perform oral (which is rare) I do try to teach him what it is "I" like so he can know I'm enjoying it that much more.....and in return I try to avoid things that cause a similar feeling for him. I've learned what's too intense for him and avoid staying at that point for long....eventually I do believe he'll understand.
I can identify with trying to teach H just what to do to ML to me. I have tried to tell my H many times and he just doesn't listen. Good luck to you with that.
I ask BB what she likes and get "I don't know" or "rub my back" which I am good at and she tells me I am, but it puts her to sleep. I am not reallying trying to complain, just stating some people try to please their partner but don't get much feed-back. Just another side to the problem of the partner not answering or sticking to or doing what is asked. Similar to what you said GEL.
I think if anyone I knew read what goes on here they would have a cow. I don't feel that way because I don't see anyone using this board in a way that seems something like having a personal A with anyone else. That is not to say some people seem to have things they relate to better with a few people.
This board is amazing. I can ask/read/tell all kinds of questions that would never be discussed openly with any of the so called real people I know.
I have told my H I need him to back off of what he's doing, in order for me to enjoy the experience more... Just had a "wild" but unrealistic thought. Maybe you need to have one of those video game ports installed in your H body then you could press the fast/slow, right/left, softer/harder buttons and get more the way you like it.
How about drawing 3 imaginary buttons on your H's back and tell him up is faster/harder, down is slower/softer, and one button for R/L.
You have some lipstick you don't like, don't you? Use it on your H and draw him a picture on him. If you do this, you are communicating in the verbal, tactile, and visual modes. Three ways of saying something should get the message across. He might even think it is kinky to be drawn on in lipstick.
Your questions gave me reason to pause. Not because you asked them lol. But because they are not easy to answer. Nothing just jumps to mind in response.
What do I want him to be. Easy answer a individual with hopes dreams and wants that do not revolve around me but ones he has a want to share with me. I want a H and a M that enhance my life not consume and stifle it. And I want my H to want a W to enhance not comsume and stifle his life. I am bored with my H in truth CeMar I am bored with his lack of vision and drive to be a individual. I am stifled by his needs of me not just sexual needs though it does overflow into this area. I find nothing intriging or interesting about my H and I have allowed him to stifle me to the point I find nothing interesting or intriging in myself or life in general. This boredom and lack of interest runs over into every aspect of my life. From cleaning my house to having a orgasm it does not intrest or intrige me so I have no drive to do it. Any time I manage to rekindle a spark of interest in something he finds a way to squealch it and I unwittingly or knowingly give up and allow it to the point I give up on most everything. This is my cross to bear my response to his demanding and controling nature. Which seems odd since on a whole I make most decesions in our R as in finances what to eat and where to go. But that in itself is part of his control and part of his lack of being a individual. It also puts all the burden of blame on me if things do not go right. Just as he puts the burden of blame on me for our relationship which again adds to his contol. It is all so wierd like a vicious circle. I have complete control of his happiness with his lack of individualness everything relys on me. If I feed him sex him and remain by his side at all times and cater to his needs he is happy.But I have no control of my own happiness if going to the store with a friend or family member makes me happy then I am doing wrong because it is not about him. If I laugh at what someone else says and he then he later repeats the same words I am doing wrong if I do not find the repeat of the words humorous. See I am wrong no matter what I do if it is not about him and it is about me. We are married I am suppose to wake up every morning thinking of him and do nothing but that every sock I fold is suppose to be out of love for him every meal I cook should be for him and his enjoyment and on and on And I am not only suppose to be doing all this for him I am required to be happy and satisfied in life just to do only for him that makes it about me also in his perspective. Just a example to try to show what I am saying. My H does not like roast or meatloaf. I cook said offending things about 4 or 5 times a year. I have two sons who like these and in truth so do I. My H gets pissed and acts as if I have just cooked the dog and he is expected to eat it on those occassions. He is of the opinion that I should also cook something else on those days just for him. My H loves shrimp and hamburger helper and all kinds of things that my kids do not like in paticular when I cook these things my H feels they should shut up and just be glad I cooked something for them for dinner. And if they do not like it not to eat or make a sandwich.This happens more frequently then 4 - 5 times a year. WTF is that oh yeah hmmm not about him thats right thats what makes it different. So that is the answer to question one. Let me add here that in the past I know I seem to lambast and attach you on some of your responses. The reason why hmmmm well some hit very close to home as to how my H makes me feel with his behavior. And since you cannot physically threaten me I have the opp to try to find answers to his behavior through you. But you avoid answering my baitted responses most of the time. I wonder if at home you are a conflict avoider.
The answer to the second part of your question of how I see sex and affection in my idea relationship. I can not answer this it is not that I won't or do not want to I can not. I gave up belief in ever being in a idea relationship a long time ago. By doing so I gave up in what I believed would be a idea relationship. I am to old to believe in fairy tales and life has taught me for me there is no happily ever after. Since I cannot miss or long for what I do not allow myself to think about I have in truth pushed all idealist beliefs of what could be aside and settled for what is. It sucks and it is lonely but if I can atleast achieve peace it is one step better then achieving nothing. Which is where my idealist beliefs I once had got me in this relationship. See CeMar I am in a different place in a lot of ways then people here. I know to stay married I am facing a life of walking alone and not finding satifaction in my life I have excepted that. But my options are pretty bleak also. So to do what is in the best interest of my children and to stay within my own personal religous beliefs and to keep myself and others safe I am doing what is expected of me. What I agreed I would do the day I got married. What I agreed to do when I choose to have children. Do I believe this choice I made will be the one that is going to get me through the pearly gates on my demise no. Not unless my marriage is my repentence for earlier sins and I am not aware of it. ( I do sorta pray for this to be true at times). But what I believe is at least it is one less sin against my soul by at least trying to do what I think is right. I am here seeking understanding that is all. Understanding something allows me to deal with it with more knowledge. It helps me cope with things out of my control. It does not always mean I can change it or fix it but it does allow less confusion and resentment to cloud my mind and that is a good thing.
It's not uncommon that your W would say "I don't know" when you ask what she wants....my LDH does the EXACT same thing, or I get..."what you're doing is great." Neither response is helpful...you know why they say that? Often they really don't know what they want, they really don't know. MrsNop's hit it on the head earlier, and pretty much echoed what my H has said and our C reinforced.....they know what they don't want, but are clueless as to what they want (especially physically). For my H it's much easier for him to let me take control, and I don't want control...not ALL THE TIME!!!
As for the lipstick idea...I find it intruiging and may bring it up to him to see what his response is as it may not be what I predict, BUT...I predict he'll look at me like I'm nutz!!! LOL But I'm up for trying anything
ERE: GEL to see what his response is as it may not be what I predict, BUT...I predict he'll look at me like I'm nutz!!!
Well you live with him and know him better than anyone else does.
Just joking mind you, if you want to do it to virtual Lou, draw away anytime the mood hits you. It won't happen IRL so both of of us are safe. Again sometimes you have to laugh to move on in the day.
they know what they don't want, but are clueless as to what they want ( I hear you loud and clear. When I started to post here I was way ahead of BB in knowing what I wanted but was still in the 90th percentile of listing what I did not want. I gusee my progress is so slow because we are both more into the "what I don't want camp" than bring up ideas of what we will try. I do bring up items that I want, but they don't get/have much air time. Fear of rejection again influences what we do or don't do.
But I'm up for trying anything GEL, if you do try it, I am cheering you on.
Your man needs to make some changes before your going to get very far. He sounds WAY to controlling. If he wants improvement in bed, he has to start making some changes in himself. Is he open to making any changes? He has to realize that he is 100% resposible for his own plight here.
