Why is it that LD women struggle to think about sex, but yet have absolutely no problem thinking about 100 other things each day. I see this in my wife. But most of the things she thinks about are WORK, or CHORES, and yet she has no problem thinking about them. But sex and the wonderful orgasams just slips her brain?
I am with you 100%. I too am tired of providing ALL the desire. I could have many times more sex then I currently have, but why? Why would I want to have sex with someone that does not desire me. Eventually I break down and have sex with her, and then feel bad for doing so. Relationships are only worth having when the desire levels are similar.
I'm going to ask this the only way I can. Do you know that your W has ever had an "enjoyable" sexual experience. I don't mean this as a slam at you...but there are many, many, many women out there who go through the motions and fake orgasms....but who have never actually had one. I can actually easily see (as a previously LD woman) how an LD woman wouldn't even register sex as a blip on the radar screen....if she's never truly had a fulfilling sexual experience.....YOU however cannot, because it is what you are lacking. You've tasted that, you know what it's like, therefore you do hunger for it.
I've been on the other side of the fence where, honestly had I not discovered what I have, I would never have missed sex at all. I would still be one of those women thinking her H was making a mountain out of a molehill and he was just obsessed with sex.
I still have to wonder if she doesn't resist you because you put too much pressure on "sex". I don't know for sure of course....it's just a gut feeling.
Don't we all ask to be loved in a certain way? I have read the whole 5 love languages, and aren't we all looking for love in our love langauges? So if our spouses offer love the way they want to, they will fail. But if they give love in the way that the other spouses wants it given, then they will succeed. Is this specifying how we want to be wanted?
Quote: (Cemar, for example thinks he knows exactly what will fix his marriage, he is in that if only she would do x stage...
Actually, I know what will fix the marriage for ME. Going through this whole process makes things clearer and clearer for me. I know exactly what I want from my marriage. What I don't know is what SHE freaking wants, and how to use that to cause her to change and do what I want.
Quote: it isn't just about sex, it is about fostering a close emotional connection.
I agree partially. She wants a better emotional connection. So do I. But emtional closeness comes from words, touching, and sex. Emotional closeness that does NOT include sex is not enough. Remember, HD people experience emotional closeness AFTER sex. Emotional closeness only on her terms is effectively NO closeness to me.
My goal is NOT to meet my needs. My goal is that BOTH of our needs will be met in full. Emotional closeness, that is a LD need. Communication that is a LD need. My needs are every bit as important as these (but not more important). My goal is a true passionate marriage, where EVERYTHING effectively is working well.
He has no right to ask you for changes unless he is ALSO willing to step up to the plate and make some changes for you. Kind of curious, what do you want HIM to be? How do you see sex and affection in the ideal relationship?
Yes, she orgasams. When I give her orgasams with oral, there are many time where I have to hang on for dear life. She can really thrash about in bed. I can feel the spasams of her cervix/uterus. Sometimes she complains they go by to fast, other times she says something interesting, that if they lasted any longer, humans would not be able to handle it.
But if something is this pleasurable, why would you not seek it out. Heck, she does not even masturbate.
Do I pressure her for sex. I don't think so. We have sex maybe once every two months. But she knows that sex is a problem, and THAT alone means too much pressure. If you are LD and your spouse is unhappy with their sex life, will you not ALWAYS feel pressured?
You know...those last couple of posts are possibly the most productive I've seen you write.
And to answer your question...yes, when I was LD and I knew my H was unhappy with our SL I did feel constantly pressured by it. Here's a thought though...is your W a person who feels she always has to be in control of herself? Your description of her when she has an O makes me wonder if that doesn't overwhelm her in some ways. I can certainly remember several years ago when "thrashing about" would have embarrassed the heck out of me. I hated feeling like I wasn't in control of my own body.
If that's the case, I don't have any advice on how to handle that necessarily....but it's an interesting thought.
RE GEL Your description of her when she has an O makes me wonder if that doesn't overwhelm her in some ways. I can certainly remember several years ago when "thrashing about" would have embarrassed the heck out of me.
CeMar, I can see GEL's point here. I know I sometimes think if I do X and she gets excited, doing more of X should make her happier. It may be productive to do a less of X and see if your W is less prone to the more intense orgasams. Maybe having less intense O's would be more relaxing to her and she would want to do X more often.
There actually is a theory that doing less produces better results. It works in the gambling industry, training animals, and when working with developmentally disabled people. Don't laugh either. This "less is better" idea was taught in 2 college "Human Services" classes, and a statistics class.
I remember when I was a boy and saw some other guys down a Coke in one big gulp in a peer type contest. I did it too but did not enjoy the experience. The carbonation in the drink was too intense and drinking the coke, instead of being an enjoyable experience, became an eye watering unpleasant event. I eventually got used to downing a Coke in one extended gulp but I never enjoyed it.
When I look back on those times I say to myself it was just too much, drinking a Coke like that. It is much better to have a little pleasure spread out over longer peroid of time.
People do have limits to the amount of "fun" they can handel at one time. Anymore fun added past one's threshold becomes something other than pleasurable.
And your frequency of having sex should have been stated before. Maybe it was but somehow I got the idea you wanted and were doing it several times a week. I was thinking 'this guy is doing it perty reguarly, what is his complaint with her lack of pashion'? But frequency is a relative idea.
Any women want to post what becomes too much and how can a guy tell if it is too much.
For me, when it becomes too much, I slow down thrusting and get louder. Maybe that is too much information.
I can easily tell you what's too much for me. When my H does perform oral, I can tell he enjoys it when I begin trying to squirm away...he's thinking "Alright!!!", but I'm telling him (verbally & physically) to back off a bit, for me what he's doing isn't pleasurable for me. I can tell he's thinking I'm going to "O", but what he's actually doing isn't pleasurable for me, he does some things that cause such intense feelings that they do become irritating when he doesn't let off and do something else for a bit....they are pleasurable in moderation for me, but I don't want that particular motion constantly repeated insessantly. I get to the point where the feeling actually causes me to see stars because I'm breathing too irregularly...that's not a good thing, I cannot enjoy myself like that. Of course, it's not like this happens often, very rarely in fact....but when he does this, it's not pleasureable for me.
I can potentially see CeMar doing something like that...thinking what he's doing (since he would think it should be nice) would continue doing something to get her off.
