Until you've worked through the sexual frequency, you think lack of sex is the root of the problem: it isn't
I agree with this whole heartedly. Just watching how people on this BB that have been LD and flip and become the HD has made me realize sex is only a focus point. If the issue was sex and a LD became HD you would like it. It would be life in paridise but in reality what appears to happen is that the first HD partner is thrown a curve when there spouse becomes HD and has to focus on other issues in the relationship. Example my H is a slob and when we argue and I am feeling disgruntled I focus on his sloppiness regaurdless of if his dirty socks laying under the table was the cause of my being disgruntled in the first place. Now if my H was to become a neat freak would I be happy nope I just would not have that issue to refer to I would have to look for another issue to focus on maybe the real one aye? I am begining to believe that human nature does not allow us to be satisfied for long. We seem to always be able to find something to not be satisfied with. And pointing our fingers at others and saying if you would do this I would be satisfied is much easier then looking in the mirror and looking for the cause of our own dissatisfaction.
although I think I have figured out that it isn't the sex, rather it is communication
I agree with this to. As a LD it takes the pressure off of the sex issue. But so much time has been focused on the sex issue in my relationship that I am pretty clueless as to what the real issue is at times. It was much easier to fight about sex then not know what it is you need to be fighting about.
So try not to feel defeated, but do try to open up communications.
Right now I feel like I am surrounded by brick walls on this one. I keep trying and trying to talk about things but if it is not what he wants to hear then I might as well be whistling in the wind. Because no one is listening.
The hardest thing for me as the LD is not that I do not understand what he feels and wants it is how to get there that makes me feel so lost. I am not a emotionally needy person (for lack of better wordage). But that is what my H wants me to be. I am not talking sex I am talking emotions. He wants me to long for him, need him, want him, desire him,rely on him relish him and on and on. And it is not that I don't want to do these things to make him happy.I do not know how to feel this way. And it does not matter why these feelings don't arise in me they don't. And I don't know how to make myself feel them. How do you make yourself emotionally needy? I try and I try but it is never good enough I am just so dam frustrated with this. Then I get so dam mad because even though I am trying to be what I am not for him and getting kicked in the face for my efforts I stand to win nothing in the end except peace since my H believes that what his needs are and how they are met should be the same for me. But they are not and he refuses to see that.
but as long as you have one foot out the door you can't face your demons and without facing them you can't slay them).
This statement threw me. I think not only have you read my thread you have read my mind. In a recent post where I realized that I never feel in love with my H I grew to love him. I have dwelled on this and realized I started this relationship with one foot out the door but I do not remember ever posting that thought.
Sadly that realization has me even more trapped. I feel somehow I was deciteful without knowledge and that by being so I have wronged my H greatly.
Funny my H always says he wishes I would have decided that I could not give him what he wanted or needed in the begining so I would not have wasted 15 years of his life. Sadly though I know no matter what the outcome of our R staying or going it still will equate to a waste in his mind because I cannot be what he wants me to be.
