Yes, the LD/HD relationship is usually unbalanced power wise. In most cases the LD has most of the power. I have asked before, what can the HD person do to restore at least SOME power. What I do know is that the only real power that I have is to work on myself or leave. These are not exactly POWER positions, they are actually pretty weak positions. I am open to any suggestions on how to restore some power in my relationship.
I suspect you're right, but I really don't have this problem in my relationship with the fetching MRS. Chocolateeyes. She is generally kind and considerate, and respectful, unless of course you want to say it's "disrespectful" to not want to ML to her husband, or even kiss him passionately, or give him a nice back-scratch.
I see slivers of it, when she's in an especially irritable mood, but I can honestly say that's not the problem in our house.
But I do see the dynamics you're describing played out in many of the other HD households on this board.
Choc... I think in some ways it's harder to " fix" your marriage in that it's basically running smoothly except for this one glitch. With me and my H, we basically crashed and had to reboot the whole thing, and a lot of the issues that Mrs.Nop points out have a lot of relevance. It's probably easier for you to coast along...but then it's harder to make changes.
Choc, I know that we tend to post here about our more negative moments so keep in mind that I'm coming from that position, but what you've described of your home life doesn't strike me as running without glitches.
Your wife has taken a position of martyrdom when dealing with your children, and you as their father, are allowed little opportunity to improve it. Or the times when you have attempted to address it, the situation quickly escalates into something fairly uncontrollable. So, the negative dynamics get to continue because attempting to address them almost immediately leads to explosions.
What is the mechanism in place for the two of you to deal with conflict?
Some of the negative marital interactions posted here occur almost daily, but if there is no "foundation" for the two of you to *work out* disagreements, then choosing to avoid the danger zones is not an indication that things are running smoothly.
It is an indication that you have determined to avoid solving the areas in your (rhetorical you) that have negative impact on you and your marriage because the fear of reprisal from your spouse makes the price too high.
Some folks allow their disrepect and unkindness out in very overt manners, others take a more covert route. Both are crippling to marriages.
Quote: How can you ask for your deepest needs from someone who OVERTLY treats you like sh*t on a regular basis with little or no modicum of respect and who evidently goes forward thinking that it's alright and acceptable to do so?
which, really, doesn't describe daily life around the Chocolateeyes house.
But then again, if you said -- and you did -- :
Quote: This doesn't apply across the board, but many of the folks here are dealing with a level of disrespect, unkindness, rudeness, entitlement, and selfishness from their spouses that should be addressed even before the sexual issues are attempted.
then that's at least partically true of my marriage, because my W is definitely dealing with some "entitlement" issues in my opinion.
I think my home is generally WAY more civil than some others here; but then, as you point out, it may only be because my W and are are MASSIVE conflict-avoiders.
I really do understand that desire. It feels good to be wanted and it feels good to be loved. However, what I am really hearing is: I want someone to want me exactly the way that I want them to. IMO, that is akin to unconditional love. It's not in the repertoire of adult relationships. The most we can do is request (and foster the conditions for) behavior that feels loving to us.
As soon as the line is crossed, as soon as we start longing for these unattainable things to fill the holes within us, the conversation immediately deteriorates to coercion and control. How can I convince her? How can I get leverage? Yuck.
I believe that when MrsNOP is talking about power, she is talking about the self-assurance and self-respect that we each should have as mature adults.
I really do understand that desire. It feels good to be wanted and it feels good to be loved. However, what I am really hearing is: I want someone to want me exactly the way that I want them to. IMO, that is akin to unconditional love. It's not in the repertoire of adult relationships. The most we can do is request (and foster the conditions for) behavior that feels loving to us.
As soon as the line is crossed, as soon as we start longing for these unattainable things to fill the holes within us, the conversation immediately deteriorates to coercion and control. How can I convince her? How can I get leverage? Yuck.
Why is it wrong to want this, from the person to whom you gave the rest of your life, and who promised to love and cherish YOU?
How is that "coercion and control"?
I can see where it's unhealthy to continue in a relationship where you're not GETTING love and desire, and I can see where one needs to work on themselves and "control the things that they can control," but where is it written in the stars that it's wrong to merely want this?
Just to add my own two cents opinion, wanting someone to want you, and wanting them to want you in just one certain sort of way seems to be the kind of obsessive thought pattern that HD people who are suffering from lackanookie go through quite naturally. Not that obsessing is natural, but it happens when put into the stressful position of wanting (natural appetite, God given desire for sex and intimacy) and not receiving (I can't get no satisfaction).
I don't think, and I don't know why because I'm not in that place personally, that people who are in a R where both partner’s needs, spiritual, mental, and physical are being met are obsessing about how they want to be wanted and want to be wanted in a certain special way. Instead, they are thinking, planning, scheming how to play out the next concerto of fulfillment on their loved one. When there is acceptance of one's own fulfillment and the openness to your significant other's fulfillment, there is no need to obsess over wanting to be wanted, and wanting to be wanted in a certain sort of way. Instead you have self differentiation, self soothing, and acceptance of others because you can stand on your own two feet against any windstorm that comes along.
But how do you get there? Personally, I'd rather obsess over getting there than over wanting to be wanted, KWIM?
But then again, if wanting to be wanted is choice A and wanting to be self-differentiated is choice B, there must also be choice C, which is both A and B?
Quote: What is higher up on her emotional needs index?
God I wish I knew. Finances rank up there, and I think acts of service. She LOVES to be busy, she wants to PLEASE everyone, (except me). And she wants to be aceepted as she is, VERY LD.
Quote: Does she allow acts of service that involve contact. ie back rubs, foot rubs, massages?
All the time, but she uses them to go to sleep. I don't have a problem with this, but it ususally does not lead to any meeting of MY needs.
Quote: I wanted to ask you a question about this. If you wife is a ND and she has sex with you to fufill your needs do you not look at this as a act of love?
You could look at this as love, but it certainly is not passion. My need is not for sex, my need is for sexual fulfillment (as described in His Needs/Her Needs). In other words, my need is not sex, but rather to have a women that "needs" sex from me. In my relationship, ALL touching is from me to her. There is no cuddling, no kissing, no real affection. She allows me to touch her in non-sexual ways. When we do have sex, it is only after I spend a lot of time arousing her, I usually give her oral sex to a good orgasam, and then she rolls over and says "let's take care of you!" Talk about a mood killer, I am a freakin' chore to her. What I want is the EASIEIST thing on earth, I just want to be wanted.
