HDSocal, I don't know if this will help... did you read any of the beginning of my thread below, "Reclaiming Your Sexual Self"? That's the title of a book, and here's a quote from my thread where I describe one of the points that the book makes:
Quote: I've only read a little bit more, but it does look like it's going to be pretty good. She makes the distinction between what she calls "desire" and what she calls "arousal." Desire (these are her definitions for the purposes of the discussion in her book-- others may have other definitions outside this book) is NOT accompanied by physical sensations. Arousal is the next stage, when there are physical sensations present. She makes the point that early in a relationship desire and arousal will usually happen simultaneously, and we probably think they are one and the same thing. Later, after you are more familiar with each other, when you're sleeping in the same bed every night, after kids, jobs, etc., desire and arousal may separate like a single highway that splits in two. Now, later in the relationship, because we don't feel the physical sensations of arousal that always used to happen with desire, we assume there is NO desire. Desire very likely still is present-- namely, a desire to be physically close, to express love, to do The Thing that feels so good once you start Doing It. This "desire" needs to be recognized and acted upon. Once things are underway, arousal will follow. This matches what some have said on this board about being aware of the flickers of desire and not ignoring them.
This approach makes sense. Think of it. In the early stages of the R, all you had to do was know that your SO was going to call or be over that night, and your engines started revving. Now, after years together, you think of him/her coming home and you physically don't get that "engines revving" feeling, so you conclude that you no longer desire him/her. But she's saying this is not true. Desire is wanting and at this stage of the R is a mental thing. Some may still feel desire and then arousal (physical sensations) very quickly even after years together. This is not to discount them. But the point is, that even if the two don't appear together, that doesn't mean desire isn't present or that you are no longer "in love."
I think what you're describing-- getting all warm and fuzzy when you think of spooning with your W-- is what this author would call "arousal," viz., actual physical sensations.
What she calls "desire" is what we have been calling "willingness," and she suggests that we not overlook that the two used to be identical or simultaneous (and for some HD people they still are after many years of marriage, lucky dogs!), but they can still go hand in hand.
Like I said, this may just be playing with words and no help at all. However, you might find the book worthwhile.
