I think Im losing my mind today. Its been 2 yrs since the affair my W had on me and a long road but things are still messy. Now we just dont have sex and havent since March or April. Its been so long I cant remember. Besides that its only been quickies in the shower so not very satisfiying. Ive talked with her about her rejecting my advances all the time and tried to understand but Im so freaking frustrated I cant take it. Its all the same excuses we hear about. Im tired. I just dont think about it. You bring it up all the time so now its a turn off. etc. Ive told her if we are going to have this roommate type marriage then I want out. Whats the point ya know? She had this affair on me for 10 mths w/ sex twice aweek co I dont think its a sex drive issue. I dont know anymore! Its hard not to bring it up when your not getting any. But with everyhting that has happened I find myself searching outside the marriage. I think Im ready to just say screw it and cheat. THat or throw in the towel and divorce her. AHHHHH...
Im pretty sure he is out of the picture since his W would call me if anything was up. W and I have had MC but it didnt go very far. I doubt she would be dumb enough to do it again because she would lose our daughter and sons respect. Ive had he swear up and down on her Mother, our kids, etc ., that its over. SO I have to say I believe as much as I can. She says "shes in it for the long haul" and I need to believe her. But I just wonder how much she loves me or if she really is in love with me. I had gained weight over the past years due to the stress and have now lost 15lbs in the last 6 weeks doing aerobics. Another 10 or so and I will be ripped! Still shes not turned on by me so I guess its just me in general. You know what I hate the most? Is all the doubt this leaves in my head. Ive lost so much confidence over all of this.
First I want to get one thing straight for you....it's not you...it's her. Keep repeating this to yourself...what you are feeling is something oh-so-common to those of us in a SSM. It's so easy to assume it's us, there's something wrong with us...that's why our spouse doesn't find us appealing.
I'd be willing to bet my paycheck...there's something going on with her. No, that doesn't mean she's cheating, but there's more going on here than you see on the surface.
Let me ask you this, and please think about it seriously....how long are you willing to live this way, and are you willing to live this way indefinitely? Are you willing to stay in this M if it continues on this way?
The reason I say these things is that in the beginning of joining this BB many of us have made a common mistake...that's one of not setting boundaries and consequences for our spouse. You have to define, am I willing to continue living this way or not? If I am willing, what exactly am I not willing to live with and what consequences can I enforce for her not meeting the needs I've defined for her?
For example...for my H I've explained that I will not live indefinitely in a SSM and I am having to reinforce that now. I have explained that I will eventually leave when I've reached my breaking point if he doesn't step up and address my needs in the way I need them addressed.....he knows I mean it too. So for me, yes he is aware that he stands to potentially lose his family if he doesn't take action.
I am prepared for this possible eventuality, however for many people divorce is simply out of the question...if you are one of those people....what other consequences for her lack of attention to the problem are you willing to enforce. Define a boundary to her....then be prepared to enforce whatever consequences are necessary in order for her to take you seriously.
I hate the idea of divorce but I will do it if things dont change. The pain is to much otherwise. Like you I have made it clear that I will not live in a SSM much longer and that Im at the end of my rope.We seem to have that argument once every 2 weeks. Im going to be 36 in a month and I want a sex life before its to late so the hard part is deciding on a date of "action". My reasons in no particular order are.. 1. Because Im scared to end it. 2. Finances - I am getting laid-off and jobs are not paying what I make. 3. It will hurt our kids. 4. I hate the idea of her finding someone else when I could not be the "one" for her. yeah its an ego thing. I keep hoping she will snap out of it and attack me. SO I wait................... and wait....and wait.
Ok....so what about finding a really good MC? That's what we are doing right now...I swear last week my H thought I was going to drop the "D" bomb on him....I didn't, but I could tell by the look on his face he thought I was going to. I'm nowhere near ready to call it quits yet....but I am doing absolutely EVERYTHING I can to make it perfectly clear to my H I'm serious as a heart attack about what the consequences will be....and that it's his choice to step up and address the problem and do his part to fix it, or not to. If he chooses not to, I can't control that but I can reinforce the consequences I'm prepared to live with.
MC for me was something I put my foot down about in the beginning of this process....I told him it was either that, or we wouldn't have another anniversary. He took me seriously enough to go. We are now on our 3rd C...the 1st one was a temporary one assigned through my EAP, the 2nd....really wasn't helping, our current C....I feel is great! She calls BULL when necessary but is comfortable enough and easy going enough to really talk to.....she also doesn't miss a thing!!!! I really recommend this.
Ive lost so much confidence over all of this. 
SO I wait................... and wait....and wait.