well here it is... almost a year since my last post. I have to be honest a year after the divorce and 1yr8mths since I moved out I am hurt today. I think of her often. She still has a mojor role in my dreams (don't know if I have anything to say about that). Divorce SUCKS. That is all there is to it. I find it VERY difficult not to look for the punch in the gut when I talk to old friends, not to talk to them and ask "how is kim, anyway?" I know that the answers are going to hurt but i ask anyway. Why? I don't know maybe I am awaiting the time when they won't hurt. Today my friend pointed out that she is selling some items from our wedding on ebay... jewelry from me and a watch (i had the matching one) from my brother. It hurt. My friends tell me to stop living in the past. Her and I are done... forever. yet I can't seem to let go of that tiny grain of sand that we will someday reconcile. I have this idea of the glory days in my head... I have this memory of loving her SO much beyond words and she loved me... she truly did. I guess that is no more. I wish I could get amnesia. and forget she ever existed. I feel like we were so in love that if her and I didn't work out then what chance do I have with anyone else. I feel like I'll never love again at the level that I loved her, I would have given my life for her. So where does that leave me.... hopeless for future relationships and hopefull for something that has a VERY miniscule chance of happening. I still know what she has been up to for the last twelve months and I damn well shouldn't. I know that she has been through like 6 guys. I know that she just turned 34 and wants another kid and her new guy seems to be normal. So she's got like a year left to take care of that and the fact that she's not married. I have been seeing someone on and off for 7 months she is everything that my ex wasn't and not much of what she was. She is sensual and non rejecting esp in the bedroom... she loves to cook and is supportive. I do have strong feeling for this woman but she has 4 kids and can not have any more. I want kids... if none of this would have ever happened I know that me and my x would have probably been on kid #2 by now. She is EXTERMELY jealous. I just feel hopeless. I have fixed every damn part of my life that was a problem. $$, new job, in shape. none of it really mattered. Every girl I have met and have been with seems second because I would rather b with my ex. LIke "I want to be with her but I cannot have that so I guess I'll be with you". This feeling sux and I wish that I didn't feel it. I HATE to be alone. The new girl is EXTREMELY beautiful and I am very attracted to her. just a mixed up day today. feeling down, normally I am in the now and marching forward.
