Thank you for the encouragement. it is very reassuring to know that someone is out there listening.
It is funny. All that I feared has come to pass. The divorce, her dating, all communication cut between us. All of it. So like it or not I have to face my fears. I often said in the past "if it is not fixed by this date then I am throwing in the towel." or "if she is seeing another in my old house then that is IT" Well well.... those things happen and here I am still carrying around love for her and my xSS8. There is really nothing I can do about it. Even now I say deep down "if I don't hear from her by october (our anniversary) then I will be done. It is funny how some thoughts edify so much and give me such a confidence. Example, "I know that she is going forward with her life and acting like we were never married, but, I know that as much as she acts like she doesn't think about me, she does. She remembers, she thinks about me, I was the biggest relationship she has ever had." or "I will talk to her again, maybe not for some time but eventually I will talk to her, she has left with too many dangling ends" Then there are the day ruiners imagery of her and the New man doing the things that we used to do together and asmiling and having fun. These ones suck. When does is the line between hope and being pathetic. Between perserverance, conviction, and obsession. How do you let go and still hold on to the pebble? Unrequitted love is like a disease. The reality is that she may NEVER come back, NEVER. It is hard... I want to move on with my life. But still decisions that I make still factor kim into them. "if I do this and kim comes back, then what effect will that have" "If I do this then, it will make it harder for kim to come back to me"
I think the greatest missing link is understanding. Wanting to know what is going on in her mind. It has been 2.5 months since our last convo. I think that she is still quite angry. Anger stemming from guilt probably. Although I pursued pretty hard, in the end I gave everything to her and said "I hope you find what you are looking for, if not then call me" If I learn anything new from this it will be patience. Sometimes the stress of it... ugh. The reality of it. It makes me feel as if I can FEEL the toxins flooding through my body. I think that my grey hair count has tripled in the last 8 months. The reality is that we haven't lived together as husband and wife for 10 months. Why am I still here? What is wrong with me?
