Yes, I see your point. However, I am just very frustrated for Gabe. I think this thing that happened in the past couple months in his sitch is just a transient that will pass. I am just hoping that he will not see the positives in his sitch. I see many here. It would be shame to stop DBing and showing unconditional love to his W as a result of the recent crap. Both of us seem to have his best interests at heart but are coming from opposite sides of the experience spectrum.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
I hope your still reading the "Purpose Driven Life". S13 and I are reading the book together, which has given us something to look forward to every night.
I had a great weekend. Spent the kayaking trip on Thur and Fri just forgeting about things, enjoying myself, getting lost in the relaxing fun of being outdoors. Had mother/calf dolphin swimming right next to my kayak several times, saw eagle and osprey diving/bathing in the water, had my share of shrimp and Coronas. I realized that its been awhile since I've been able to just destress. Work called me several times about stuff, but I let it go to my voicemail until late Fri afternoon. Went out to some blues clubs & pubs each eve. Nice attention each eve from ladies too young, my age, and older, but didn't really attempt much beyoud convo. Found myself thinking about how much 'the game' has changed and how I didn't see myself finding anything worthwhile in a bar. Realized that others see me as much more confident about women than I feel.
On Sat, went to a get-together for work with ~40 people from work there. Took S6 with me, w/ the kids swimming. Hey, forgot to announce - S6 had his BDay - we celebrated on Sat (X asked to have him on his official BDay eve Fri, and I acquiesced, as I'd have him all weekend). X's best friend, a women likely in late 20's was there, and we actually chatted briefly about the kids (her 2yo D was there as well), but I didn't bring up X, nor did she. She did come over and interact freely, and entered a convo that I was having w/ 3 women at one point, but it seemed relaxed.
UD and Jo, I am adjusting my attitude toward X as distant but pleasant. UD, X is so very angry at me still, but tons of that anger likely has to do with her discovery that she is still unhappy. Yes, I snooped but her anger far exceeds that event. I bumped into a personal ad of hers on the web (I'm just perusing, looking for characteristics/etc.. of women out there - not trying to date yet). In my most objective read, she presents as a very angry, combative person, and I found myself thinking that I'd rule her out if she were a stranger. Interestingly, there was no mention of S5 in the ad beyond the form question responses - different from other parents who tend to go on about their kids a bit.
The ad did get a rise out of me, but it didn't last long. I actually felt some empathy for her, and a bit sad. She chose a front pic with a sad/worried expression. Knowing her, it was strategic, and she is looking for some nurturing. Prayers, DBing and all, I have my doubts that we'll end up together. I miss 'us' still time to time, but I'm feeling more detached as each week ticks off. I need to find a way to use that empathy to become a good trusting friend of hers (UD, I like your comment about staying vulnerable, at least some).
Had a nice afternoon with S6. Some great moments like getting him to recognize his feelings and talk about them a bit rather than keep acting out. We played superheroes, had a nice dinner, went to the library. Also, instead of staying frustrated about XW not packing his backpack and lunchbox, went out to get him another set for my place. He was in tears this morn about 'getting laughed at' for being different (had to use a plastic bag), but he lived!
XW was chatty at dropoff. She told me that she had switched her life insurance account over to her name. When she offered to reimburse me for Sept if the transfer didn't occur in time, I noted that it would be fair for her to reimburse me for all the months since the D (May on). I smiled and stayed relaxed, and when she grumbled and rolled her eyes a bit, I repeated softly but firmly, "Its only fair." XW frowned, then smiled and talked about her work day again briefly.
Twice w/in 30 min of getting home, S6 called me to talk. I noted to him gently that he hadn't seen his mommy for 3 days, and it might be nice to visit w/her (not sure if she was available or if she was preoccupied). I'm driving him to school in the am, so we said our goodnights and telephone prayers and left it at that.
XW looks brighter. I forgot to note that I was a bit relieved that her personal ad was seeking men, my age category, with no definite rule-outs (e.g., education, ethnicity). Interestingly, she indicated moderately high salaries desired in a match. Maybe she had too much of our financial struggles as students.
Had a wake-up call from XW, telling me that she was going into school to complete a class so she can volunteer in S6's class, so I wouldn't need to drive him in. I was already waking up, so I was clear-headed enough to say, "Hey, thats really nice of you. Thanks for calling." She didn't brighted or respond in kind, but it felt good to start the day off on a more positive footing with her.
Her ad bothered me more last night, then I read s/t from The Divorced Dad's Survival Book by David Knox: "The fact that you are separated or divorced does not automatically result in your feeling depressed. Rather, it is the way you perceive the event that creates negative feelings." I'm working hard today to get back to that positive excitement about my future and to keep my mood lighter.
My semester's load of teaching starts today. Off to teach 200 rowdy freshmen in my first class [tends to feel a bit like Showtime at the Apollo].
That's the spirit Gabriel! There is no reason that your XW should have any control over your happiness. Easier said than done, but attitude is everything.
Quote: My semester's load of teaching starts today. Off to teach 200 rowdy freshmen in my first class [tends to feel a bit like Showtime at the Apollo].
That's roughly 100 freshman girls. Obviously too young, but I envy your opportunity to look. Remember: Breath in, circulate the energies, let it go. he he
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Hope you are having a great trip. Hurry up and get back! 