Hi Gabe I just want to echo what Kim has said. Ive been separated over a year and feel no need to glance back at those who glance at me. My time now is for me and I thought one day I will WANT to move on and WILL know when that time has come. I will probably always mourne the loss of my H and M, but one day I will know what I want.
For the past year me and a GF have HAD IT WITH R'S No more, no way, not doing it, why have a companion, why bother all, while a little voice was saying inside me, you are 42 years old, you know you want love and security.
Well, I made a discovery over buy one get one free peanut butter last night in the Florida grocery store at 10pm on a Saturday night..eek!. As I stared at the peanut butter and tried to figure out what now am I going to put all this peanut butter on! Big decisions!! I ran the aisles I stopped and said GIRL! You are in denial...you really want someone to be with, live with, have and to hold and not struggle the rest of your life trying to buy up all the peanut butter because its a great deal! YOU ARE READY!
So I called up my GF and said its time we go out. Its been a year, H is living with someone and could care less, Im still clinging to hope and making peanut butter my life.
Made plans for my first "lets go out and meet someone" outing.
Not to hijack your thread, but I hope one day your peanut butter moment comes along!
The decision to "move on" is all yours, pal. X has only as much to say about that as you allow her. She had her chance, and her other chance, and her "bonus" chance, and so on. She kept pushing until she got her D.
You've mentioned a few times how you think she needs to see the full result of what she's done. You've set some boundaries on what she can and can't do in the R. What's the word for the freedom you give yourself, or the way you go beyond "false boundaries" that don't help anyone?
I'm not saying you should rush out looking for someone. But, hey, you're not married now. If you're ready for it, and the right sitch with the right woman comes along, you should be free of any "false boundaries."
Only you know if you're ready. Or maybe, as a friend told me, you "know that you don't know." That's cool, if that's the sitch.
As usual, K finds a way to say something small with lots of words. To trim it down to size:
You owe X nothing more. When you're ready for someone new, you'll know.
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Hey Kim, thanks for the shoutout from CA (three times even! I feel special receiving multiple contacts from such a wonderful California girl!). Largo (great to hear from our world famous, gorgeous Floridian water sprite - how are you doing? Was it the ankle that was bothering you?). Koshka! or Superdad, I should say!
What a nice Monday pick-me-up to see your messages!
My PMA is great. Went back to my roots, very latenight runs to burn off any remnants of stress, some meditative prayer and thinking, and I slept like a babe this weekend.
Had to postpone my kayaking class this weekend til this Thursday. But it'll be a blast.
I've gone ~ dark on X. And she's starting to stir a bit. She called Sun night, and she stayed on the phone for 1 hr. It was purportedly about S5, but she sprinkled in lots about her own goings on, plans for the Fall, and interestingly she placed two statements in there about not dating. One came up when we talked about equal weekend nights off b/t us, with me telling her I thought it was only fair for her to have 2 Fri/Sat nights to go out, same as me. She responded, "I'm not dating, so it doesn't matter."
She brought up S5's welfare, and said that he comes home 'so very tired' from visits with me. I bit my tongue on that, cause he gets very solid care from me. I said, "Rest assured, X, that S5 goes to bed on time every time with me, gets the same quiet time transition to sleep that he did when we were together, with reading books and prayers, and some quiet convo. He plays hard w/me and I try to work in a good amt of physical activity, but this is healthy for him. Rest assured that he gets very solid parenting with me." She relaxed. And we visited more.
B/c I need her to cover his school transport later in the week while I'm out of town, I mentioned my kayaking trip. Didn't say with whom I'm going, just that I was. Her voice sounded very intrigued. When I mentioned that S5 and I have a 2-person kayak picked out for purchase when I return to the house, she protested re how dangerous kayaking can be. I merely noted that I'm pursuing certification classes, so that I can take him out with great confidence, that I'm not merely trying to cowboy it with our only loved child.
Anyway, a positive contact ~ 3 days after she takes my @ss to court. Sorry LostinLimbo, I know you wanted me to keep it friendly but brief with her. I will return to that flavor, as there is definitely some mystery going on.
K, I'm not so much deciding I'm "done" as I am convinced that I need to completely drop the rope and pursue my development full-force. If that includes dating OW, so be it.
Gabe
PS - Those interested in Vegas: I've posted some wkends in the 'Fun' forum. We should decide on a wkend soon.
I am glad to see your PMA back. When your PMA is up you are in ther drivers seat, you know how to DB and doa good job of it.
Are you still reading "Purpose Driven Life"? It saved me from backsliding, XW told me that she had seen OM1 in Jan., again she had lied, she told me back Jan. that she had to work late for a training session she was doing. This was BS she flew to OK City to see OM1. Pre DB and the book I would have freaked out. It still burns me, but in the big picture it means nothing.
Just remember the PAST IS THE PAST! About the court thing she is nuts, but nobody on this earth could explain it to her now. Just keep DBing, the court date is behind you bud, the past is the past. THE AMAZING THING IS HER MARRIED THE SAME LADY THREE TIMES, THEY ARE HAPPIER THAN EVER, HE SAID THE DIFFERENCE IS THEY HAVE THE LORD IN THEIR LIFE The gentlemen is in his mid 30's and has been happily married the third time to the same women for the last 5 yrs..
Sorry about sending you the same post three times! My computer was all "jacked" up that night! Glad to hear that you felt special receiving "multiple contacts from such a wonderful CA girl!"... Hope you are having a good Monday... Talk w/ you soon! -KIM
For what it's worth I think your XW is still interested in you. AN HOUR phone call is a LONG TIME. I would never talk to my X that long, and when he phones, even when we were dating, we would never talk for longer than about 15 minutes.
I personally wouldn't have allowed her to talk that long. For one, she may at a later date make out that you were prolonging the convo or breaking the RO and you have no way of disproving this. You need more of a barrier to protect yourself.
Secondly, you are not showing her the reality of her RO. If she's phoning and chatting for an hour right after she has got an RO, she obviously does not see the reality of what she has done or understand the concept of cause and effect.
Since she has persisted in that course of action and is keeping you out of the house, asserting you are pathologically controlling etc, I think you should show her these actions have consequences and next time she tries to bring herself into the convo or to prolong a discussion, I would point out 'XW, we have an RO. I have to go now.'
Thirdly, by engaging in these lengthy discussions with her and still being there whenever she wants, you are feeding her psychological dependency of you and allowing her to have an R with you without her actually putting anything back in or behaving in a reasonable manner.
In other words, she will never respect you and will always take you for granted if you let her treat you like that and then act as if nothing has happened afterwards.
Plus, if you're allowing her all this contact, she has no reason to come back to you because she gets all the friendship from you anyway, and sex was never a big thing to her so she'd probably be happy with that.
I'm sorry if this is a bit blunt but I'm saying it because I've been through the same with my X where he'd take me to court and then expect to date me 2 days later and I did it because I wanted to keep him, yet like that, he had no reason to come home, no reason to treat me better and he didn't have to miss the benefit of my friendship.
He have even said 'I can't respect someone who just gives in to everything I want.'
When I set boundaries and point out to him when he has treated me bad, when I withdraw from him and don't allow him contact if he has upset me, he will always come back, apologise and start trying to behave better.
I agree the past is the past, but not to the extent where you just forget everything she has done and become a doormat.
I have to agree with Jo here. Sounds like you really need to distance yourself and set some firm boundries. The RO has pretty much set the boundries. Stick to the boundries set by the court. She has the power to lift the RO, she needs to realize she cant have it both ways. If it were me I would avoid all contact, until the day the RO is lifted and only if it is lifted by her. Maybe I'm being too harsh, but I just get so frustrated with WAS syndrome.
It could be worse, for example, yesterday when I went to pick up the boys, OM opened the door, introduced himself and extended his hand. Real nice guy. They act as if nothing ever happened.
I am back in town. I see that you are still under the RO. Sucks! But I feel that your W is turning a bit from the anger phase. Just staying detached from her and not participating in the drama will let her digest her own guilt at putting this ridiculous RO on you. Her call to you after the RO was clearly guilt on her part. She reacted with anger in imposing that RO after you uncovered her shenanigans upon your snooping. Classic case of over-reaction on her part. Was your W given to bursts of anger like that in the past or is that new, post-bomb behavior?
I am terribly sorry about S5. I cant believe the hurt that these tender souls have to take in this whole mess. On my visit to DC recently, D3 awoke in the middle of the night saying "My mommy is gone, she will never come back". I could not believe that she had the sophistication of thought to say something like that in her awake state, let alone in her sleep! There is a lot more damage to their psyches than we can see on the surface. I know you are keeping S5's interests foremost in your heart Gabe. Your observation in an earlier post on getting back to a better R with your W is very important. This is also very important for S5. The best thing YOU can do for him is to work on a better R with your W, which means doing what it takes to forgive your W and seeking her forgiveness for your action in snooping. I know this is very difficult to do, but that act can turn the sitch in a new direction perhaps? Just my 0.02. You cannot move the sitch in a positive direction, or even the R with your W in a positive direction without a great spiritual effort on your part. Why does it have to be you? Because your WAW is lost right now and will not do the right thing. This route of you setting the direction back into the right path will give you power in the sitch and points with your W. It will also enable you to get out of the trap of negativity caused by the RO. The RO was placed by your W in a misguided act of anger at your (I know it is so difficult not to snoop) incorrect action of snooping. Classic case of two wrongs adding up to big mess. To get out of the cycle you must do something unexpected by your W. What will it be? I suggest a very brief email asking her for forgiveness (dont even mention the RO) and hoping that you can both be friends for S5's sake. I know I am going to take heat here for suggesting this. But it is a very unusual and unexpected move and may result in your W rescinding the RO? And perhaps lead to a better R post-RO?
Do call if you would like to chat. Or I will call soon.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Hi Gabe Seems like you have a little harem here. Im going to hijack some of Greeks paragraphs for my thread because she said what I wanted to say today, sorry GG. But I wanted to put what I was thinking into words for my feelings today and you did it so well.
Kayaking is great. I have mine for sale right now. I used to live on a lake with H, but now its condo city here and I really am not going to hoist it onto my car and drive to Jupiter.
Thanks for taking an interest in my life Gabe, I hurt my elbow and am not skiing much. And since Im learning to take compliments thanks for the georgous remark.
You sound a lot better and did you have your peanut butter moment? My task force of friends are going out to this little restaurant Thursday to mingle and meet <choke> maybe a a a a date. Yikes Im terrified.
Keep up doing your thing, you sound like you are having a good time.
I feel special receiving multiple contacts from such a wonderful California girl!). Largo (great to hear from our world famous, gorgeous Floridian water sprite - how are you doing? Was it the ankle that was bothering you?). Koshka! or Superdad, I should say! 
But it'll be a blast. 
Sorry LostinLimbo, I know you wanted me to keep it friendly but brief with her. I will return to that flavor, as there is definitely some mystery going on. 