Fortunately, or unfortunately we all in the same position. I miss the day to day of a relationship. It has been a long time. 2 years Nov. It is cliche', but you go day to day and I really (as impossible as it is) try not to think about it.
Sure, we pull out lots of positive memories, but you know the WA is not listening; they have their own version.
Yes, we due to tend to hang on to the past R, because it was the one we were in, though as it turns out, not actively.
Hi Gabe Just read your post and you must be sending FLA vibes down my way! I just posted similar feelings. Must be the Friday night blues. Money issues stop me from going out, although the buy one get one free case of water at Alberstons is looking like a pretty good event for the evening! Peanut butter too. So I can sit around and eat peanut butter and drink water tonight! ha!
H has the same feelings in his head and like you, I go through scrap books and have wonderful memories and he goes through them and says it was the worst time in his life. NOW he says that, THEN he was having a ball and bragging about all his good times with me. Suddenly they are the worst!
The only thing I can say is stop trying to figure it out. We dont think like them and will never understand why they process information in their little heads differently.
Ha! Largo, I nearly lived on peanut butter early in the S due to $ probs. Thank God for PB and bananas. I remember saving the "meal food" for when S5 visited.
Sorry about the earlier down posts, guys. Feeling better today!
I did go over the scrapbooks, just to check with reality, and noted how we had a good amount of fun, positive times. Definitely our share of in-school, financial, and 1st baby struggles too, but it was not as she's depicting.
Yet I could see in my face in the pics evidence of not doing a great job of caring for myself. I remember lots of caretaking of her/attending to X, which is good and proper, but I was neglecting myself.
One of the greatest positives out of this awful S/D has been to discover that I can't allow that anymore. I must take care of my needs and not allow them to be prioritized so low. B/c it affects all areas of my life and my Rs with others.
Going to do a better job of GAL work again to make sure that things don't slip down to allow for a lasting low mood.
Quote: One of the greatest positives out of this awful S/D has been to discover that I can't allow that anymore. I must take care of my needs and not allow them to be prioritized so low. B/c it affects all areas of my life and my Rs with others.
While we came to this realization the most difficult way possible, you are absolutely right. We cannot give ourselves to others if there is nothing to give.
Glad to hear you are feeling better. You are doing a good job of picking yourself back up. For me it has been better to avoid XW. The less she calls, the less I see her the better I get along. It's probably becuase of all the hurt and anger I have towards her and her new R. I hope that in time the anger/hurt will fade, and seeing her will not stir up such emotions. Focus on that boy. Sounds like the little guy is really hurting. We have to remain strong for the little ones.
IMHO, you need to give yourself complete permission to feel whatever you are feeling. I have learned through seeing my counselor that going through the pain actually heals the pain of losing the relationship. I think it is important that you fully allow yourself to grieve and "feel bad"... It will take time, patience, and a willingness to grieve in order to eventually reach a healed heart. I do believe that the only way to truly feel better is to grieve. I know that I continue to grieve for the loss of my R, (on a daily basis ) and for the closeness that my H and I once shared together. I also continue to mourn the dream of what I thought marriage would bring. I know that this long process of mourning the death of my marriage is far from being over. There are even days I notice when I try to avoid the pain, it creates even greater pain.
You mentioned that your mood has been "angry" in the past week. IMHO, I see anger as being essential for the distancing and seperation process and important for our eventual healing; however, as I have shared on my thread... I am beginning to see that staying angry with my H is my decision... when reacting to this uncomfortable situation he has put me through... In reality, the anger really does not get me anywhhere... To continue to be angry really never gets me the result that I wanted. My anger can actually be used as a defense mechanism to mask my hurt, sadness, or loneliness.
In my opinion, we need to face the feelings head on and allow ourselves to deeply feel the loss of our relationships, and then we will eventually accept what has happened and we can heal and move on. I feel that it is important that you continue to set aside the time to fully release your feelings (ie: journaling, venting on the BB, talking with family and friends, therapy, etc.)... By getting these feelings of anger, hurt, frustration, and sadness out of your body, you will then be able to heal more quickly emotionally.
So, Gabriel... To answer your question: "Am I a wimp or what?".... ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! You are a human being going through the many stages of grief... Please continue to practice treating yourself with love and compassion. Try saying this to yourself: "I accept what I can not change... I live in the present moment and accept what is" Thinking of you, Gabriel and wishing you a restful, relaxing, peaceful weekend! -KIM
Thanks for posting, Bruce and Hope. Hope, good to hear from you! Hope all is well w/ you and the kids.
Kim, I have been allowing myself to express emotion regarding the sitch and you are so right about it being just part of the process. I'm reengaging in deeper exercises to help with this - revisiting the homework from Susan Anderson's The Journey from Abandonment to Healing and reading Don Miguel Ruiz' The Four Agreements. Going thru the 40 days of reading/meditation of The Purpose-Driven Life as well.
No contact from X and therefore S5 since Fri morn. I know he'll be okay, but its sad that she's not letting him talk to me to visit, and say our routine goodnight and bedtime prayers.
Went to Starbucks to get a decaf latte (lots of writing today, so I'm taking in a tad of caffeine). At the next table, two very attractive women - looked like 30-something divorcee's - were very obvious in checking me out and throwing out smiles/glances. I appreciated that, but was using the time for me. There will be plenty of time to play 'the game' latter, once I'm back in the house.
I really think X won't turn around to consider what she has lost until I've truly moved on. I also doubt whether she'll believe in my contentment with her until I actually do go out and experience other women.
You mentioned in your last post that you doubt whether your XW will believe in your contentment with her until you actually do go out and experience other women... IMHO, instead of focusing on how to make your W happy, you can now focus on paying attention to your own needs and take care of yourself like no one else can. Keep focusing on Gabriel... on making YOU the best person you can be... kind, caring, compassionate, honest, etc. The "new Gabriel" may be someone with whom someone else may want to spend time with. Even if that does not happen soon, I think you know that you will be okay... B/c in reality, the most important thing we can learn from all of this is to love and respect ourselves. Gabe... through this struggle, you have grown into a more complete person. You will have all the knowledge to create a better relationship with whomever you choose. A new you will arrive who is stronger, wiser, and more open and capable. You will be so much better prepared to enter into a new relationship that can make your life that much more fulfilling. Although you may not have saved your M to your XW, you have created a wonderful "new Gabriel" that WILL make the right woman very happy for the rest of her life... I truly believe that, Gabe.
I remember you once posted and asked yourself: "Why don't I just move on and find someone else?"... You answered with... "B/c my heart is telling me I am not ready."... Gabriel, when you ARE ready, there is no doubt in my mind that you WILL find love again in the future. It is quite obvious that our hearts have been broken, but now we are responsible to heal what has been done. I know that I continue to struggle with my identity... to change from thinking of myself as part of a "couple", to now changing myself to a strong, independent woman.
Gabe, your opinion and views on this BB are so valuable. I am filled with admiration for the way you have handled yourself through this difficult situation. You have grown so much and you continue to grow on a daily basis. Thank you so much for your time, thoughts, and support on my thread. It means more to me than you could ever possibly know. You have the ability to make me think alot harder and understand that I do deserve to be happy and that is MY responsibility. Thanks again, Gabriel. You also deserve to have the happiest life possible! Talk with you soon... Your friend, KIM
You mentioned in your last post that you doubt whether your XW will believe in your contentment with her until you actually do go out and experience other women... IMHO, instead of focusing on how to make your W happy, you can now focus on paying attention to your own needs and take care of yourself like no one else can. Keep focusing on Gabriel... on making YOU the best person you can be... kind, caring, compassionate, honest, etc. The "new Gabriel" may be someone with whom someone else may want to spend time with. Even if that does not happen soon, I think you know that you will be okay... B/c in reality, the most important thing we can learn from all of this is to love and respect ourselves. Gabe... through this struggle, you have grown into a more complete person. You will have all the knowledge to create a better relationship with whomever you choose. A new you will arrive who is stronger, wiser, and more open and capable. You will be so much better prepared to enter into a new relationship that can make your life that much more fulfilling. Although you may not have saved your M to your XW, you have created a wonderful "new Gabriel" that WILL make the right woman very happy for the rest of her life... I truly believe that, Gabe.
I remember you once posted and asked yourself: "Why don't I just move on and find someone else?"... You answered with... "B/c my heart is telling me I am not ready."... Gabriel, when you ARE ready, there is no doubt in my mind that you WILL find love again in the future. It is quite obvious that our hearts have been broken, but now we are responsible to heal what has been done. I know that I continue to struggle with my identity... to change from thinking of myself as part of a "couple", to now changing myself to a strong, independent woman.
Gabe, your opinion and views on this BB are so valuable. I am filled with admiration for the way you have handled yourself through this difficult situation. You have grown so much and you continue to grow on a daily basis. Thank you so much for your time, thoughts, and support on my thread. It means more to me than you could ever possibly know. You have the ability to make me think alot harder and understand that I do deserve to be happy and that is MY responsibility. Thanks again, Gabriel. You also deserve to have the happiest life possible! Talk with you soon... Your friend, KIM
You mentioned in your last post that you doubt whether your XW will believe in your contentment with her until you actually do go out and experience other women... IMHO, instead of focusing on how to make your W happy, you can now focus on paying attention to your own needs and take care of yourself like no one else can. Keep focusing on Gabriel... on making YOU the best person you can be... kind, caring, compassionate, honest, etc. The "new Gabriel" may be someone with whom someone else may want to spend time with. Even if that does not happen soon, I think you know that you will be okay... B/c in reality, the most important thing we can learn from all of this is to love and respect ourselves. Gabe... through this struggle, you have grown into a more complete person. You will have all the knowledge to create a better relationship with whomever you choose. A new you will arrive who is stronger, wiser, and more open and capable. You will be so much better prepared to enter into a new relationship that can make your life that much more fulfilling. Although you may not have saved your M to your XW, you have created a wonderful "new Gabriel" that WILL make the right woman very happy for the rest of her life... I truly believe that, Gabe.
I remember you once posted and asked yourself: "Why don't I just move on and find someone else?"... You answered with... "B/c my heart is telling me I am not ready."... Gabriel, when you ARE ready, there is no doubt in my mind that you WILL find love again in the future. It is quite obvious that our hearts have been broken, but now we are responsible to heal what has been done. I know that I continue to struggle with my identity... to change from thinking of myself as part of a "couple", to now changing myself to a strong, independent woman.
Gabe, your opinion and views on this BB are so valuable. I am filled with admiration for the way you have handled yourself through this difficult situation. You have grown so much and you continue to grow on a daily basis. Thank you so much for your time, thoughts, and support on my thread. It means more to me than you could ever possibly know. You have the ability to make me think alot harder and understand that I do deserve to be happy and that is MY responsibility. Thanks again, Gabriel. You also deserve to have the happiest life possible! Talk with you soon... Your friend, KIM
I remember saving the "meal food" for when S5 visited.
) and for the closeness that my H and I once shared together. I also continue to mourn the dream of what I thought marriage would bring.