I just had a major wake-up call today. I digested what happened yesterday, and realized that I am still clinging to the dead M.
And in doing so, I'm ruining the chances of a positive new R with X.
Yes, she is in a wilder mode right now, but not as wild as I first imagined. I keep thinking of JDD's advice to me a wk or so ago, noting that his worst fears turned out to be just that - fears. After watching Star Wars again yesterday, I heard Yoda's advice loud and clear: <Gabe in his best Yoda voice>: "Fear of losing someone apath to the dark side is!"
I'm having a hard time not internalizing X's description of me and her friends validations to her side of the story. That I'm as awful as she has made me in her current memory. She has so many folks thinking that she was married to Hitler, and yet I can pull out scrapbook after scrapbook of our happy memories, let alone those in my head.
I need to go for a long exhausting run, then read or watch something that's soothing. On top of all of this, I'm downright lonely, and starting to wonder about companionship. Am I a wimp or what? How do other folks hang on year after year? Its only been 9 mo for me, and I'm feeling as much pain today as in the first few months, and am much further away in terms of a chance of reconciliation.
My mood around her has been sour, angry, abrupt in the past week. I'm acting out her very description of me. Gotta find a way to shake this.
