Quote: I've also been wondering if its possible to merely 'date' women without a full press to an R, as I've noticed a strong emphasis on the latter among women in their 30s
Yeah, I get that feeling too. The days of no-strings-attached seem to be nearing an end.
P.S. You almost ruined my goal to have my name on every thread. Fortunately I caught this in time.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: At our age we are not the only ones with emotional baggage. Unless you date a woman in her early twenties the next woman will have baggage.
That might be a consideration for you young whippersnappers, but a woman in her twenties is probably closer in age to my son than to myself. I ain't blind or dead; I notice women that young, but baggage or no, I think I need someone closer to my age than to my son's. It would be strange with that thought in the back of my mind all the time, "She's closer to S13's age than to mine."
Besides, everyone has baggage, even pretty, young twenty-somethings. The best we can do is work on our own stuff.
Gabe said:
Quote: When I think about how complex it would be for me to date someone with their own kid(s), own X, and own hurts related to past Rs, it makes sense that 2nd and 3rd Ms have even lower success rates than 1st.
But widowers do it. There are good people out there who have been hurt by a WAS through no fault of their own. I think at least some of the poor results from 2nd and 3rd Ms come from the people who are into "serial Ms" rather than commitment. STBXW seems in a big hurry to marry the OM du jour, and I can't believe they will last.
There was some need or impulse in me to pick STBXW. I don't want to go down that path again. I don't want someone like that. If I make enough progress on my own baggage, I'll be able to recognize that "need" before it leads me to another R with another woman who thinks M should "always have a way out." If I just blame STBXW, I'll never see what brought me to the point of marrying someone like her.
I'm not saying anyone else married the wrong S. I'm not even saying that I married the wrong W. S13, D10, and S5 are wonderful reasons for having married her. But you know what? Until a few months ago, if she had tried to come back, I'd have jumped for joy and let her right back into my life. By this time I might be suffering through another A, or maybe it would be in time for the holidays, or a year from now.
I'm learning about myself in this. I'm going to be a better man, not for the D, but for that learning. When I can offer myself as that better man, whether a woman has kids or career goals or aging parents or whatever won't be a show stopper. I'll be able to recognize, attract, and be attracted to someone who's worked on her baggage, who values the things I value (like, for example, fidelity), who shares my feelings toward M and commitment. Then we will be able to work together through the logistics.
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Some women in their early twenties also have 'baggage' - it depends on their life. I was a mother of 3 by the time I was 22, and that's baggage! I suppose that means I am 'written off' for a lot of men, and I'm only 28. It's one of the reasons I don't try to find another R, that, and still being too involved with X.
And if women are getting more into casual R's, then I'm proud NOT to be one of them.
Gabe, hypothetically, if you asked me for a 'casual' R (which I am just saying as a purely fictional situation), I would chase you out of my house for the indecent suggestion, LOL!
To me there is no point loving and there's no point dating and there's no point in sex unless you do it with your whole heart, and if men want to be half-hearted and trapped by their own fear of commitment, then they can expect to get back what they put in - half a heart.
I just hate casual sex - ugh. Gabriel, don't go down that road, it won't feel any good. I've been there, done that.
Koshka, you and your "young wippersnappers". I don't know if I'm younger or not, but my kids aren't. I have a 13 and an 11 year old, almost 14 and 12. So I know what you mean about "closer to my age than too my son's", but I figure then my kids and her can play together and have more in common...you know, liking cartoons and such (btw, there are some pretty funny cartoons out there)
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I just think that a couple with that many years difference in age (me-45 in October) has a hard time finding common ground. Never mind things like the initial shuttle flights, I remember Apollo 11, Watergate, "The Energy Crisis." I know all the words to bunches of songs from the 60s and 70s, and I didn't learn them from the oldies station. There are a lot of things more important (like, say, fidelity), but experiences and memories are the tapestry of our lives. Recognizing how we both felt pride in the US Olympic Gold Hockey team even though we didn't know each other then could contribute to a sense of connection between me and someone my age.
I'm not sure we're stereotypical, but we sure are hypothetical, and hijacking Gabriel's thread to do it!
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
As for the comment about dating a young twenty-something because of their lack of baggage. They may have less baggage, but think about all the drama! When XH and I were not together last summer he had a very short R with a 19 year old. He was overjoyed that this young thing wanted him. That was until after two weeks of "dating" her, she wanted to move in! When he told her it was over, she drank peroxide and ended up in the hospital. SO I'd take baggage over that kind of drama any day!
Wow! I return to my thread only to find it turned into some kind of 'Dating Game" discussion.(j/k)
Hope,
I'm with you in terms no desire for more drama. I've had my fill from 34yo XW.
Well, the RO hearing was yesterday, and the result was disappointing. X got what she wanted - an extension of the RO for the remainder of her stay in MY house. I'm officially banned from my house for ~ 3mo. I sat thru about 30+ cases before ours was heard. Whether with Attorneys or not, the judge never swayed from granting the RO to the petitioner. I had to sit with guys and a few women that had beaten up their partners, shot out their windows, threatened them. H@ll, I was afraid of them, too.
I was the only respondent who asked to have the order dismissed - on the grounds that there was not a hint of threatened or real violence, as I was the owner of the home outright for 4+ mo now, and as we worked at the same location. The judge watered it down, but kept it in place.
In a sense, I have court-ordered distancing and detachment. And X gets to lounge in my house for another 3 mo. I can't even evict her. Maybe I should sell it out from under her?
I saw women with black eyes there, ones who were truly being terrorized (a few men, too), and it made me shake my head about how she was misusing the system. But its all going to be okay. I'm still in balance, this too shall pass, and soon I will be in my house to make it a home for S5 and I.
Immediately after the hearing - literally within 5 min - X was calling my cell phone. I ignored it and pressed on to take S5 to his kindergarten orientation. X appeared and put on a bright cheery face. She tried to make smalltalk, but I said "excuse me" and walked to the other side of the classroom. I'm not about to get violated for the RO within the first hour.
X forgot to get S5's school supplies. He was the only child without a packet of things. As school starts Monday, I hope that she does so. Covering for her lapses over the past 3-4 mo is getting old. S5 left there, had a fun lunch together, took in a matinee movie, then went to my place to play and hang out. He cried more last night, putting himself down, and told me at one point that he didn't want to live anymore. I'm going to line up therapy for him, as I think this sitch is draining him as well.
At our exchange of S5, we had some extra donuts for X and I asked her to watch his feelings and attend to any sadness that she saw, noting that he was very down these past two visits.
It really does make you wonder, wonder what her intent, objective is? Then to turn around within minutes and call you and try to talk to you. Clearly, this is a one-sided RO.
I'm sorry things didn't go better for you. That's just stupid!
I've very proud of you for the way you are taking care of your son. I hate to hear that he's so upset and talking the way he is. I'm glad you're getting him counseling. That's way too much for a 5 year old to deal with.
I just had a major wake-up call today. I digested what happened yesterday, and realized that I am still clinging to the dead M.
And in doing so, I'm ruining the chances of a positive new R with X.
Yes, she is in a wilder mode right now, but not as wild as I first imagined. I keep thinking of JDD's advice to me a wk or so ago, noting that his worst fears turned out to be just that - fears. After watching Star Wars again yesterday, I heard Yoda's advice loud and clear: <Gabe in his best Yoda voice>: "Fear of losing someone apath to the dark side is!"
I'm having a hard time not internalizing X's description of me and her friends validations to her side of the story. That I'm as awful as she has made me in her current memory. She has so many folks thinking that she was married to Hitler, and yet I can pull out scrapbook after scrapbook of our happy memories, let alone those in my head.
I need to go for a long exhausting run, then read or watch something that's soothing. On top of all of this, I'm downright lonely, and starting to wonder about companionship. Am I a wimp or what? How do other folks hang on year after year? Its only been 9 mo for me, and I'm feeling as much pain today as in the first few months, and am much further away in terms of a chance of reconciliation.
My mood around her has been sour, angry, abrupt in the past week. I'm acting out her very description of me. Gotta find a way to shake this.
