Our Xs have a lot of similarities. They both seem to have this need to prove that they are more than capable of handling their situations until they actually do need a favor. They both perseverate on their looks. There is barely a time I don't see her that she doesn't ask something about her appearance. "Do my thighs look chunky?", "how old do I look to you?", "Does it seem like I've gained weight?"...yada yada yada. I've noticed that she's also spending on her appearance (no plastic surgery yet though) with various new clothes, dermabrasion, etc. It's uncanny how these things seem to go. Has your X got a tattoo yet?
Okay...now for the beating. I'm not sure how wise that was to bring up S5 staying overnight or even a few days with your Xs parents. Are they incapable of watching a child? I think you slipped into a controlling mode. What she does with S5 during her visitation is her business so long as it doesn't put him in harms way or otherwise adversely effect him. No wonder she got defensive.
The rest you handled well, although maybe a little defensively when she asked "why can't he stay with MIL?" It's okay to stand up for yourself, but saying "because I'm his father" sounds a little defensive to me. Perhaps it would have been better to have just said..."because I would like him to be with me that day." and leave it at that.
You are at a tough point right now. It probably has more to do with what your X is going through than about you. You're just a convenient scapegoat. Try to put yourself in her shoes if possible. Oh yeah, and when she said " I'm doing just fine financially and otherwise. I don't need your money." it might have been a nice time to validate. "I know you are. You've always been independent and good at taking care of things.", even though it probably is a lie.
Just my .02. I know exactly how easy it is to forget some of that stuff. I don't DB at all with my first X and I probably should if I want a better relationship.
Wes
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I completely agree with Wes here. Everything that he has said.
I want to actually whack you with a 2x4 here Gabriel. Sorry, but I just have to. And you are not going to like the sound of it.
My friend, you need to stay on the high road and not get down to the level of your W. Do not :
1. Battle her. It will not abate her anger. It will place more scars on her heart. I am sure 99.99% of people you ask about how to deal with the current situation would tell you to state to the WAW your legal rights vis-a-vis your S. Now, this is what your W expects from you. Your 180 is not to bring that fact to her notice. Those are fighting words. And as Wes points out she can view it as controlling. 2. Defend yourself. That will only make her accuse you in stronger terms. Whatever happened to validating (without agreeing)? What is the goal, to make her see that you are right (again this can be viewed as MOTS, i.e. controlling) or to make her feel safe to vent and let it go?
You are in a very critical place in your sitch right now. Your W is thrashing about and you are right in the line of fire. You cant fight her. She needs to wear herself down in the face of your calmness.
I do not believe that you can bring her in to you by fighting with her. You can only do so through unconditional love. There is no other way and it is extremely hard to do and involves a lot of 180's on your part. But you were doing great for a while and your drawing boundaries and so on is not working IMHO. Can you work back through your threads to see at what moment things started to nose dive? Something was working before your trip with S5 a couple months back. Perhaps it is just that your W has ratcheted up her craziness, but perhaps it is something that is impending, such as her move in October? I dont know, but you need to step back from her, and if she gets angry, dont try to reason with her. She is beyond listening right now.
I dont know whether she is going to stop this nonsense for a while,the anger seems to have reached a crescendo. Perhaps it is her frustration with herself because she realizes she is just making things worse with every action that she takes?
Just some thoughts, Gabe. I hope you find a calm phase soon.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
No, really Wes and UD, I hear you loud and clear. There is s/t threatening about going to court in 2 days to defend myself and trying to stay positive and light w/ her in person.
I'm having a terrible time acting 'as-if' right now. In part, cause of her BS, but also b/c of my growing ambivalence. I'm in great danger of joining her in the "Bitter Divorcee" club, but I don't want to be a member. I just read Renegade's successful reconciliation in the newbies forum, and deep down I still want her back.
UD, you are right to remind me about the high road. I think the key is to stay there, have fun when I'm alone, father S5 very well, and give her validation/strokes when its appropriate. You both are so right - she's not responding well to my battling her. I must have lost several dozen IQ pts since my trip out West. Plus, she's into this raring libido stage. Not all that pleasant when I'm living like a medieval monk. Actually, they probably had sex more often than me.
Had three compliments on my appearance today. These tropical colored shirts really 'pop' - I seem to be exploring the metrosexual category a bit. Leaving the office now to get my teeth whitened. This should be interesting...
I cannot follow up any better than the preceeding voices of wisdom. We become rabid dogs defending our territory and then wonder why the other dog attacks us?
It is very difficult to take the high road but I believe most of us know the alternative will not work.
In your last post you mentioned a word "sex". Just threw me off, me no understand that word. What is that? Is that what makes babies? I thought (to quote my niece) that babies happen when people kiss.... (wow, imagine the population problems that would cause!). Hey, we should do a Seinfeld-like poll on who has held on the longest without deployment of resources in the nether-regions....I bet I win!!! 32 months, folks....yup. A few more months and the Dalai Lama himself will fedex me saffron robes!! UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Yet to be truthful (and no I'm not being delusional) this break from the unhealthy love-life X and I had, readings that helped me to reshift my view of my masculinity - especially Deida's work, has me so much more confident as a man today then when I was in my M.
I feel great interacting with other women, and I know that I'll be a great lover to some lucky woman out there some day. Its just that I'm not in the mood for rebound R. I see X and many other WASs and some LBS jumping into such Rs only to have that much more baggage to sift thru when they're finally ready to face their issues.
Hey, who started talking about sex w/o telling me???
j/k. I guess I'm running last w/only 4 months.
And I do agree w/you Gabriel. A rebound R is not healthy for me right now. I'm actually enjoying this break from having any emotional attachment to someone. ok, so I still have some emotions for my ex, but it's nice not having to primp up and look my best 'all' the time for some1. Except I seem to be doing it a lot anyways!
oops, wandered off the subject, that's what happens to me when the s word gets thrown into the convo! T
Know what Gabe? At our age we are not the only ones with emotional baggage. Unless you date a woman in her early twenties the next woman will have baggage. But obviously it will be difficult to enjoy another R when you are still hung up on your X.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: Unless you date a woman in her early twenties the next woman will have baggage.
Aha! So Tom Cruise's method of choosing ever-younger women may have a deeper reasoning behind it! (j/k)
Yeah, I've thought about that. And I have yet to meet a single woman older that her early 20s without her own 'stuff' from past Rs. When I think about how complex it would be for me to date someone with their own kid(s), own X, and own hurts related to past Rs, it makes sense that 2nd and 3rd Ms have even lower success rates than 1st.
I've also been wondering if its possible to merely 'date' women without a full press to an R, as I've noticed a strong emphasis on the latter among women in their 30s.
[Not that I'm looking right now, but I am wondering].
