I've been keeping up w/your sitch all week, but really not sure what to say other than you are doing GREAT!!!
Reading through this seems like a whole 'dejavu-ey' kind of thing. When my ex served me the div papers, he threw in a RO also. Mine was on the finances, but also included a statement barring me from the premises (where s9 was). Lucky for me, the judge finally let that slide until the div hearing. But it still made for a very uncomfortable sitch. I could reside there, but could not 'touch' anything or get rid of anything of 'monetary' value!
But then, ex would 'forget' about his RO also, wanted some house cleaning, packing done, etc and leave me to do it. I would just keep making nice little (or big) piles of stuff and then show him over and over. "Can I keep this" or "Can we get rid of this?" He even was giving away stuff to his s20 and I told him I wanted a written statement of this, so it couldn't be held against me in court!
You are doing a fabulous job. There were many times during the RO period that I was ready to give up and walk away. But then he would start pursuing, which made everything even more confusing. Keep up w/the detachment and as jdd says, leave it in God's hands. There seems to be an extreme amount of pressure in your sitch lately, and she seems to be directing way too much anger towards you over the snooping. T
I notice she contacts you when she wants something. You are apparently supposed to overlook the RO and her going off on you when she needs something from you. It's probably a good wake up call for her that you aren't just someone to use when she needs something. I'm glad you didn't just go into fix-it mode. She would have continued to use you only for Mr. fix-it.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I had a nice weekend with S5 - just father and son time. We both really enjoyed each others company, had fun playing. From small comments or sharing, I get the feeling that she's letting him down in his eyes. Not sure if he does the same about me to her (very possible with a child), yet it tears me up to hear about his loneliness. He seems to see her as very distracted from him, and is taking this inward as less self-worth. I really fed him lots of love and reassurance this weekend, lotsa hugs & kisses, arms on shoulders, carrying on shoulders, rough-housing. Have some nice bruises to show for it (was showing him how to punch & kick as part of our 'contact' play, with my body as the body bag. ).
Anyway, quiet otherwise. X is calling and abruptly asking for S5. At dropoff this am, (I chuckle to see W having to haul her a$$ out of bed and pjs to drive to a parking lot - she created a nice headache for herself with this RO), I said 2 words - hello and goodbye - no checkin re S5 or hows it going. Legally, I'm barred from doing so at her request.
She looked puzzled, like I'm being a jerk about things, but surely she knows the legal consequences of the RO? This is putting quite a damper on DBing, as well as creating a 'must' level of distancing. Wes, yep this is sure helping my detachment.
In my past snooping, I saw clear signs of full-blown MLC with X having run thru half of the $40 K she got as a buyout, leaving her much less that she intended for downpayment on her condo, furniture and living expenses. On top of that, she has accrued several thousand in cc debt again in those 4 months (6-9K). Literally, her lifestyle seems to reflect a pretending that she still has my income coming in at her disposal. This woman I thought I knew is heading to financial dispair very quickly. With that, on top of her partying late every free evening, she's going to look and be rough very quickly. There's no amount of surgery, etc.. that can neutralize those types of choices. I hope she doesn't have to fall too far before hitting her bottom.
My job is to keep my focus on myself, keep improving and working hard on my career, and once in the house, make it into a nice family escape that I had intended.
Going on a kayaking training/adventure this weekend. Have bought new tropical colored shirts. Wore one today, got a compliment from an attractive mother of a client today. I thanked her for 'noticing' and she proceeded to flirt with me more. A nice PMA booster for the start of the week.
Good for you staying detached. Clearly she wonders why you are not being friendly. I guess she thinks the legal part applies only when she needs it to.
This new stage in your sitch is very interesting and may be key to your R with W. Your W is truly in the throes of dysfunction and has been flying off into space with everything. She has got to come back to the ground and she will with a resounding thud. You need to stay calm and detached so that when she does jolt awake and regains sanity you will be the epitome of good sense. I feel for you on S5. It is really heartbreaking and it seems senseless that the WASs should put kids through these things.
I admire your detachment and continuing to staying the course for your S5 and hopefully await an R once the W comes back to her senses. Meanwhile I love the way you are letting XW face the consequences of the RO. In case XW finally buckles and asks you why you are behaving the way you are, perhaps you can defuse the situation and also let her realize her mistake in putting that RO on you by saying "I did not want to be arrested" or something like that. Boy, given the craziness of the while situation I could think of several rather sarcastic repartees.
Keep strong.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Thanks Bruce and UD, Detachment is helping, but there sure is a lot of drama.
After having S5 for 2 days, W called me up this evening to berate me over "never being there" for S5. She was angry that I was not going to keep S5 overnight on Fri, and was trying to get me to switch my suggested overnight from Thur to Tue night. Only I can't 'cause I'm working late Tue night.
Then she went ballistic and hung up on me. Literally no room to DB or validate her feelings there. She was being rude and inconsiderate. I'm merely documenting things. I expect her to dump S5 at her parents for the weekend so she can continue to party or do what she's doing.
I'll be off kayaking, so I'll be fine. But I feel for S5. He's facing the harsh reality of his mother, too. At some point in the future, I hope he is showered with blessings to help compensate for all of this nastiness.
I feel down today. Spoke to my father who's recouping from his colon C surgery. The news isn't the best, and he'll face chemotherapy next. I'm feeling weaker in spirit.
I received an email from a Christian newsletter on reconciliation work - cares@rejoiceministries.org. The message today was "What do prodigals want?" They call WAS's prodigals due to the wild, less than ethical behavior of some. Anyway, here is some of the message:
"Drugs, sex, and alcohol are not "why" prodigals leave, but "how" they leave. You and I both know how temporal those pleasures can be, and so does every prodigal spouse. We make that discovery the hard way; by experience, often at the cost of family, career, health and happiness. What do prodigals want? More specifically, what does your prodigal spouse want from you? It can be summed up in one word; consistency.
I'm not sure if the truth can be simpified to that one point, but I think the authors were getting at the need for the LBS to stay consistent in pursuit of a healthy, productive life, creating a safe base that the WAS would know about, even from a distance or over time, and to whom they might eventually return.
Having always sided with the brother who remained working for the Father in the story of the Prodigal Son, I have a hard time with this story.
Applied to my sitch, I've got to clear my plate for the times agreed upon, allowing me and S5 to build our 'family' dynamic despite X's types of use or planning for such timeblocks. Worrying about that or trying to control it would be wrong on my part, or at least purposeless. BTW, I wasn't trying to control her this week by changing my schedule. Outside of my kayaking class opportunity, her RO and resultant courtdate caused me to have to reschedule a few things.
There is literally no space to explain that to her (or ability under this RO), so I won't bother to.
No, you know trying to explain it to her or use reason or logic would only anger her more.
We've all seen the pattern, as long as it fits their schedule, everything is ok, but if we try to do something different, or have a life, well, then it is all our fault.
All you can do is try to survive the storm and focus on you and S.
You are doing such a great job. Your focus on S5 is going to be so very helpful for him. X is not in a place where she can or will be the kind of parent he needs, and you're stepping to the plate exactly as he needs. How blessed he is to have you fighting for him.
BTW, I talked to Kevin yesterday and I want in on the Vegas excursion, dude!
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Had a rough phone call with X just now. Called to confirm my times with S5 this week.
Not even fair DBing, but I noted to X that I did not agree with her leaving S5 with her parents for days, She denied this, saying "I was with him the whole time." She also said "I'm an independent woman. I'm doing just fine financially and otherwise. I don't need your money. (offered this - I didn't ask)." When she said, "I need you to stop breaking into my house" I replied, "I'll respect your privacy, but make no mistake that it is MY house, and I'm letting you live there. I cannot 'break in' to my own house. You are welcome to move out immediately." To which she replied, "I don't want to live in this house. I'm just doing it for S5."
I've learned to not trust her, which is sad. There's a long way to go before even friendship is possible, as I truly trust her very little. I hope she's telling the truth about staying with S5, but as he says that he was left for at least overnight with the ILs, I believe him.
I agreed to take him most of Thursday and asked for and received him on Wed as well. When X tried to say that MIL will be up on Thur, so why can't S5 stay with her, I replied, "B/c I am his father, and I have a legal right to be with my son." She let it go at that.
I hate having legalities dictate appropriate behavior. Yet she and her parents will keep trying to walk all over me until I assert myself.
I'm praying for the RO hearing to go well, for it to be thrown out, and for our sitch to calm.
). 