Glad to see you back on the BB again... It has been a while since I have read over your thread, so I was quite surprised to hear about what your X is doing with a RO now. Did she find out that you had read her journal? The last time I had responded to you was about the "snooping" incident and it made me think about all of the times I chose to do the same exact thing with my H. I must admit that it was tempting to focus on his life, but at the same time snooping actually deepened my grief and pain. I finally came to a point where I had to ask myself: "Does snooping help me to grieve my loss?"... "Was it becoming obsessive and keeping me from focusing on my own life?"... I now realize that if overdone, snooping can prolong the pain and postpone healing. Even when I was still calling my H over the phone, it was as if I still wanted to "connect" with him in some way.
I have been reading a book called "Conscious Divorce" (ending a marriage with integrity: a practical and spiritual guide for moving on)... I highly recommend it! Throughout the book, it talks about letting go of insecurity and why we cling to hope of reconciliation when a relationship/marriage ends. So... I wrote down a few things that I wanted to share with you...
"WHEN A RELATIONSHIP ENDS, WE CLING TO THE HOPE OF RECONCILIATION SOMETIMES TO COPE WITH OUR FEARS AND INSECURITY. HOLDING ONTO HOPE PROTECTS US FROM HAVING TO CONFRONT OUR FEARS AND FROM FEELING THE DEPTH OF OUR LOSS. AS LONG AS WE BELIEVE WE MAY BE GETTING BACK TOGETHER, WE DO NOT HAVE TO CONSIDER STARTING OVER. ALTHOUGH WE MAY EXPERIENCE SOME RELIEF, LIVING IN THE HOPE OF GETTING BACK TOGETHER ACTUALLY PREVENTS US FROM COMPLETING THE HEALING PREOCESS AND IT PREVENTS US FROM FACING OUR FEARS AND LETTING GO OF OUR INSECURITY. EVEN IF THERE REALLY IS SOME HOPE OF RECONCILIATION, THE BEST WAY TO OPEN THE DOOR IS FIRST TO ACKNOWLEDGE EMOTIONALLY THAT RIGHT NOW IT IS NOT ONLY CLOSED, BUT LOCKED. WE NEED TO LET GO OF HOPE IN ORDER TO FEEL FULLY AND RELEASE OUR PAIN. THIS IS THE BEST THING WE CAN DO FOR OURSELVES AND IT IS ALSO THE BEST WAY TO UNLOCK THE DOOR OF RECONCILIATION. WHEN WE CONTINUE TO HOLD ONTO HURT, IT CAN CAUSE OUR PARTNER TO CONTINUE TO FEELING GUILT. ANYTHING WE SAY OR DO TO MAKE THEM FEEL GUILTY WILL ONLY MAKE IT MORE DIFFICULT FOR THEM TO FIND A DESIRE TO RETURN. WHEN WE ARE NO LONGER NEEDY, DESPERATE, CLINGY, ANXIOUS, OR INSECURE IS WHEN WE ARE THEN CAPABLE OF EITHER ATTRACTING OUR PARTNER BACK OR TO RECOGNIZE THAT THEY ARE NOT RIGHT FOR US. IF YOU ARE LIVING IN HOPE OF GETTING BACK TOGETHER, THIS CAN BLOCK YOUR FEELINGS OF LOSS. IF YOU ARE LIVING IN HOPE, IT IS IMPORTANT TO GIVE UP HOPE TEMPORARILY. IF RECONCILIATION REALLY IS POSSIBLE, YOU WILL BE BETTER PREPARED BY HAVING HEALED YOUR HEART."
I am not sure how you feel about what I just wrote from the book, but I must admit that I agree with alot of what it has to say. Let me know what you think ... Gabriel... Thank you so much for taking the time to respond on my thread as I was having a very hard time dealing with my anniversary yesterday. I know that you are probably experiencing the same feelings today... Just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there, Gabriel... We are all here for you! -KIM
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