Brief review: Me: 38 W: 34 5yr Son Separated since 10/28/04. Signed D Papers 3/24/05 D finalized 5/2/05.
Since June & July, the sitch has gone South. Probably not coincidentally, W has begun to date, and has shown solid signs of MLC, including great expenditures on her body, dating posts for men (started one for women), and hanging out with a small group of folks 10 yrs younger than her.
I've lost my detachment, got caught snooping on 7/27 or so, and may have a related RO against me. I'm currently worried about her relocating with my son.
To stem this growing overfocus and possible paranoia, I'm shifting back to detachment, heavy GAL work, and set goals for mere friendship with W. The idea is to hope that she fits the MLC pattern/stages, with her anger and replay patterns eventually subsiding.
Try to take one day at a time, pray often and continue your GAL progress.
This is very tuff to go through, but be patient and stay busy. Most of my fears and worries were just that. You have done an excellent job of DBing, a few set backs last month won't hurt that much if you continue GAL.
You're in a tough spot with W's indecision, your newly comfirmed knowledge of her dating, and S5's need for two parents putting him first in their lives.
I left my take on your sitch on your voicemail. I thing I understand as well as most how it feels for a loving Dad to see the WAW confusing priorities between her wants and a child's needs, even specifically a five year old son.
I'm keeping you in my prayers. I know in my heart that you will act in accordance with your own considered evaluation of what's best for you and your family. It may be painful for you (or perhaps for XW) in the short term, but I am certain you will choose the best course for the long term. You're a good man, a wonderful Dad, and it'll show in your actions yet again.
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Thanks for your comments, JDD and K. JDD, I appreciate your calming perspective in light of this drama, and for reminding me of the time factor - hopefully, things will calm soon.
Quote: Most of my fears and worries were just that.
I hope my worries turn out the same, JDD. You amaze me with your patience, and I hope I live to see a similar turn in my sitch. K, I appreciate your realistic view of W's behavior, and will proceed with caution.
I awoke to a police officer banging on my studio door - actually was a nice guy. He handed me a RO filed by W and confirmed by a judge, with an impending court date on 8/11 to address it. It bars me from being 500 feet of my own house, 500 feet of her - including our mutual workplace - so in essence, I'm in misdemeanor violation for showing up to work right now, and bars me from any form of contact with her - beit over S5 or not. At transfer, I will have to stand 100 feet away from her and have him walk to her with his stuff (or leave it on a sidewalk for her to come get). Finally, she is requesting that I receive treatment for my unspecified problems. I wondered if she meant anger management, but I'm just not violent/aggressive/controlling etc...
It is really none of her business, but I think I posted that I started IC with a new female psychologist last week. It feels icky to think that she may link that to these recent moves of hers and may be informed about it. Very intrusive, if so.
The PO started to laugh when I mentioned that I was her landlord, that I wanted back into my house, and that she was living there out of convenience and willingly. He noted that she didn't tell the judge that, and asked why she didn't just move out. Very good question.
I'd like to think that it has to do with unresolved feelings and lingering, but I'm sure it has more to do with her self-centeredness - low rent, less hassle (1 move vs 2 to get into her condo in Oct). I'm losing about $500/month with her in there versus a stranger/tenant, but I've been hoping all along that it will eventually click with her that I did gift her with staying and that it was way inconvenient for me to be living out of my home for almost 1 year now w/in a small studio.
Quack quack. I'm letting it roll off my back. Just like water off a duck's back. I'm back into my game, and feel in balance.
Get the RO removed. Have her evicted from your house. This is incredibly ridiculous and I can't even imagine from what you said why she did it.
That was the harsh answer. Perhaps the right answer is to laugh this off, but get the RO removed on the basis of it being stupid and obtained under false pretenses.
Look on the bright side Gabe, she's given you every reason to detach. Now you can more completely focus on yourself and your S. That's good news. Make sure when you see her from 100 feet away that you smile.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
If this were not so entirely painful it could very well form a good script for a comedy movie. I am sure your W's actions defy logic of any kind. It's just incredible!!!
You know what, you want to consider this point: Your W is lashing out at you in extreme anger, even frustration here. Perhaps even huge guilt because in the recent past you have uncovered her EA/PAs and her use of porn. For a woman like your W this is a huge calamity and the only thing she can do is to look at the most obvious target to direct her explosion. That, my friend, is you of course.
Gabe, at this time, take the high road. Let her wallow in her own mess. Do not get sucked into it because not only will it irrevocably ruin your sitch, IT WILL RUIN YOUR S's life for a long time. Just lie low, stay quiet and let her silly garbage play itself out in the dark recesses of her mind, where all MLCers recede to.
If you want to talk to vent your anger you know how to get me.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
I drove to a local parking lot to pick up S5 from X (yes, I'm finally giving up the "W"). X came charging out of her car at me, despite the RO and despite me standing calmly by my truck, yelling "Where's my journal? Give me my journal!" Although I peaked at it ~ 2 weeks ago, I haven't the faintest. It was odd, as S5 told me later that they had just arrived in town from the ILs house, so it wasn't like she was in her home searching for her journal.
The last time I was there, the house was in slight chaos, with W starting "packing" 3 mo early - styrofoam peanuts, empty boxes, and piles of her clothes and other stuff everywhere. Not enough to worry about in terms of S5, as the common areas were relatively functional, just way out of her near-O/C character during our M. And more than enough to misplace s/t in.
S5 was delighted to see me and told me he cried yesterday b/c he missed me - and told X just that. I feel for the little guy in all this, and am working hard to keep my cool with his wellbeing in mind. We had a great evening, reconnecting & playing. During play, S5 noted "Grandma yelled a lot at Uncle [BIL] and made him cry, and Mommy and him cried and hugged." Sounds like trouble in the enemy's camp.
It made me feel for S5, but also made me glad I wasn't in that sitch anymore, as X would classically displace her frustration at MIL at me after every nasty event like that. I was the dog she kicked then, but not no more.
Maybe there was a bit of that attempted tonight in the yelling? At dropoff at the parking lot, I walked S5 toward the car, kissed and hugged him g'night, then turned to walk away. W left S5 standing there in the lot, came charging up to me with my mail in hand, but a grim look and lit into me again - "Where is my journal?! (3x) I looked at her as calmly as I could and said, "I haven't the faintest. Stop harassing me about that." Then I closed the door in my truck and drove away.
Whew! Happy Would-Be 10th Anniversary to me today. This is starting out as a tough month.
Glad to see you back on the BB again... It has been a while since I have read over your thread, so I was quite surprised to hear about what your X is doing with a RO now. Did she find out that you had read her journal? The last time I had responded to you was about the "snooping" incident and it made me think about all of the times I chose to do the same exact thing with my H. I must admit that it was tempting to focus on his life, but at the same time snooping actually deepened my grief and pain. I finally came to a point where I had to ask myself: "Does snooping help me to grieve my loss?"... "Was it becoming obsessive and keeping me from focusing on my own life?"... I now realize that if overdone, snooping can prolong the pain and postpone healing. Even when I was still calling my H over the phone, it was as if I still wanted to "connect" with him in some way.
I have been reading a book called "Conscious Divorce" (ending a marriage with integrity: a practical and spiritual guide for moving on)... I highly recommend it! Throughout the book, it talks about letting go of insecurity and why we cling to hope of reconciliation when a relationship/marriage ends. So... I wrote down a few things that I wanted to share with you...
"WHEN A RELATIONSHIP ENDS, WE CLING TO THE HOPE OF RECONCILIATION SOMETIMES TO COPE WITH OUR FEARS AND INSECURITY. HOLDING ONTO HOPE PROTECTS US FROM HAVING TO CONFRONT OUR FEARS AND FROM FEELING THE DEPTH OF OUR LOSS. AS LONG AS WE BELIEVE WE MAY BE GETTING BACK TOGETHER, WE DO NOT HAVE TO CONSIDER STARTING OVER. ALTHOUGH WE MAY EXPERIENCE SOME RELIEF, LIVING IN THE HOPE OF GETTING BACK TOGETHER ACTUALLY PREVENTS US FROM COMPLETING THE HEALING PREOCESS AND IT PREVENTS US FROM FACING OUR FEARS AND LETTING GO OF OUR INSECURITY. EVEN IF THERE REALLY IS SOME HOPE OF RECONCILIATION, THE BEST WAY TO OPEN THE DOOR IS FIRST TO ACKNOWLEDGE EMOTIONALLY THAT RIGHT NOW IT IS NOT ONLY CLOSED, BUT LOCKED. WE NEED TO LET GO OF HOPE IN ORDER TO FEEL FULLY AND RELEASE OUR PAIN. THIS IS THE BEST THING WE CAN DO FOR OURSELVES AND IT IS ALSO THE BEST WAY TO UNLOCK THE DOOR OF RECONCILIATION. WHEN WE CONTINUE TO HOLD ONTO HURT, IT CAN CAUSE OUR PARTNER TO CONTINUE TO FEELING GUILT. ANYTHING WE SAY OR DO TO MAKE THEM FEEL GUILTY WILL ONLY MAKE IT MORE DIFFICULT FOR THEM TO FIND A DESIRE TO RETURN. WHEN WE ARE NO LONGER NEEDY, DESPERATE, CLINGY, ANXIOUS, OR INSECURE IS WHEN WE ARE THEN CAPABLE OF EITHER ATTRACTING OUR PARTNER BACK OR TO RECOGNIZE THAT THEY ARE NOT RIGHT FOR US. IF YOU ARE LIVING IN HOPE OF GETTING BACK TOGETHER, THIS CAN BLOCK YOUR FEELINGS OF LOSS. IF YOU ARE LIVING IN HOPE, IT IS IMPORTANT TO GIVE UP HOPE TEMPORARILY. IF RECONCILIATION REALLY IS POSSIBLE, YOU WILL BE BETTER PREPARED BY HAVING HEALED YOUR HEART."
I am not sure how you feel about what I just wrote from the book, but I must admit that I agree with alot of what it has to say. Let me know what you think ... Gabriel... Thank you so much for taking the time to respond on my thread as I was having a very hard time dealing with my anniversary yesterday. I know that you are probably experiencing the same feelings today... Just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there, Gabriel... We are all here for you! -KIM
Do you have th journal?? Seems as if you have gotten away from her, so why do you think she is accusing you?? Must be more to the story than you wish to tell?????
I feel for the little guy in all this, and am working hard to keep my cool with his wellbeing in mind. We had a great evening, reconnecting & playing. During play, S5 noted "Grandma yelled a lot at Uncle [BIL] and made him cry, and Mommy and him cried and hugged." Sounds like trouble in the enemy's camp.
This is starting out as a tough month.