My take is that if she's doing 80-90% of the contact effort, then things are going just fine. I'd say some adjusting is needed if it were skewed in reverse. But she seems to be doing more of the R 'work' as it stands. Yes, she may doing more of the same behaviors in terms, but I'd bet that your adjustments are what are pulling her toward you and making her curious.
Gabe does not make any good points, mine are the only good ones; do not listen to those others.
Actually, the more I roll this around and strangely enough I think I give your confusing relationship with your X more thought than I do my own, the less and less I understand.
My guess is she wants Wes to be available, to hang out, to walk with, to come by his house (even if he is not there), to still do family stuff without the family "stuff." In this scenario there is an emotional attachment without the emotional daily mess of dealing with children, housework, schedules, friends, family, money, laundry and all the other.
Ok ok no more lectures, but I will at least say that I do agree with Bruce. I have been there, done that. When I stopped being so accomodating my husband took notice and even started responding. Now I find out that he has been riding by my house. Why, after all this was where he had run from long and hard......
My point being, when you change the dance, you take away their comfort zone, and if they are not ready to call it a day, they'll be back for another dance! I guess this turned into a lecture, huh?
Be good while I am away, cause I'll be checking!!!!
Thanks for the comments; even yours Kevin. In fact Kevin's is really close to mine. I don't know.
Bruce, at least someone is rolling it around in their head. I've stopped even trying to analyze my own situation; I just report what's happened through no manipulation of my own. I think an unencumbered opinion is probably more valuable than my own since I have a vested interest and likely can't see the forest for the trees. I see both your point and Beth's. But is what she is getting from this little pseudo-married life even all that great? I personally don't think it's all that rewarding, so what is her incentive? Just boredom? Or do I continue to not even think about what it is she gets out of this?
I was thinking about the story in the DB/DR book about the guy that lived down the street or something from his W. It started out that he was upbeat and friendly. Then she spent more time with him and eventually they were back together. I'm trying to envision what might have happened if he got impatient and instead of welcoming the interaction he acted more like "we're separated/getting divorced, remember?" and stayed aloof. Would he have been successful?
My thinking is that I will stay friendly and happy around her, but keep doing my own thing. She will either get tired of coming around or take it up another notch. Although, given the schitzophrenic nature of my relationship to this point, the ups and downs, the physical then no physical, the contact then no contact, it's probably hard to see progress, my perception is that something is different. Before I contacted her frequently and asked her to do things that she agreed to. Now I don't ask her to do anything or at least I infrequently ask. She's doing the lion's share of the work. So, I guess I'm saying I'm not going to rock the boat with any changes. I'll just be patient with how things are at the moment; no relationship talks or physical contact (unless she needs comforting like a friend would provide).
Bruce you asked if it's okay to do the family stuff without the family. Not indefinitely. I guess because the onus of initiating has moved from me to her that I'm willing to see for awhile how this plays out. Ask me at the end of September.
Okay, so here's the updates:
She asked yesterday if I would watch her kids a bit while she went to this thing for school. She came back while we were picking apples, talked about what the school had said, and helped a bit. The neighbors walked by while we were working (btw, the pregnant neighbor looked absolutely beautiful) and I would suspect that she's a little surprised how well things are going with the neighbors and I since she left (they seem more friendly now).
Anyway, her kids wanted to stay so she left by herself. I guess her daughter didn't want to stay afterall so she swung back by later to pick her up. The only other time I saw her was when she swung by this morning to pick up her son.
I feel like there is something there. I keep getting the feeling that she's expecting hugs and is surprised that I don't deliver. Or could be my imagination, but she sure doesn't just hightail it out of there. I think I'll just have to be patient for once and see if there is anything to it.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
This is the last day of life for this thread I'm sure. It's been 8 months since the bomb, 7 1/2 months of being on this board, 7 months since she moved out, and 3 months since the divorce. I can honestly say, as strange as it may sound, that the last two months have probably been among the best in my life. Thank you all.
My song of the day to close my own thread. I've been listening to this music the last several months since going to the free concert in South Dakota. It's Jeremy Camp. When I hear it, thinking as I often do about my R with XW, I wonder if God can forgive, forget, and take me back, maybe I need to be willing to do the same.
Quote: The reason why I stand The answer lies in you You hung to make me strong Tho my praise was few When I fall I bring your name down
But I have found in you A heart that bleeds Forgiveness replacing all these thoughts of painful memories And I know your response will always be
I'll take you back always Even when your fight is over now I'll take you back Even when the pain is coming through I'll take you back
I can only speak with a graceful heart As I'm pierced by this gift of your love I will always bring an offering I can never thank you enough
You take me back always Even when my fight is over now You take me back Even when the pain is coming through You take me back
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
