This one is all about me......

[Just_Me]

Answer to how long...that was a message she left this morning that I didn't listen to.

I did something tonight that probably set me back a ton. After getting some books and walking the dog I stopped by her place. She excitedly visited with the dog and needled me about being angry at her. I told her I wasn't.

She brought up the girl I was previously dating and the other occasion I dashed off to a date. She said she was glad about that, but didn't look it. She also asked "so what are you doing? Speed dating?"

That's when I blew it. She teased me and I grabbed her. She said "this isn't a good idea" to cuddling and I said something about being a good idea.
She said "I've told you hundreds of time why it's not."
I said "I wasn't talking about sex."
And she said "then what were we talking about."
To which I said "I don't want sex with you. I want the whole thing."
She replied "we are friends."
And I told her "I want everything. Friends, sex, love, marriage....blah blah blah"....something along those lines.
At one point I hurt her feelings and she cried. Nevermind why.
Basically, I pursued to the max. I did say that I was happy with my life and fully expected to go on living it without her, but that we could have been good together and I miss sharing things with her. I also told her I hoped she dated so she could find out I'm not such a bad guy.

Was that it? No, I sent her an e-mail that expressed my thoughts better.

Oh well, what's done is done. Doesn't matter anyway. The simple truth that I am happy and excited about my own dreams still remains. She doesn't have to share them. She could be so lucky. We have a certain familiarity and comfortableness that just feels right when we are around each other, but I can have that with someone else. Or in time I can get used to being alone.

Actually, it feels like with all this silence, detaching, and distance that I wasn't being true to myself. Sure, she isn't in any place to handle that truth, but it's said. She knows my feelings and she can do what she wants with that information. I already told her not to think I'm angry, but I'm taking an extended break from her.