There seemed to be a very different dynamic going on in your sitch for the past month. And it seemed like you had shifted the power (not a good word but you know what I mean) in the R from your XW to you. What I am concerned about with the latest forays is that you might let that slip back into XW's hands. Now, the previous dynamic where she was calling the shots did not work out as you had hoped,leading to your frustration. I am just wondering if you can step back and see where you want to place the dynamic, i.e. the power structure. It may not be apparent to you because you are in the thick of it (all of us fall in this category) but it seemed to me like despite your pulling back your XW is still "there". This would not have happened if she "really" wanted out. I am wondering if you should stay pulled back until it becomes clear that she wants to make a sustained connection?
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Quote: I am wondering if you should stay pulled back until it becomes clear that she wants to make a sustained connection?
Don't know. This weekend was simply about having fun and essentially just doing whatever I felt like. But you're right. I would like to keep in control rather than picking up the rope. I was having the same thought process, but my problem is I a) am not sure what works anymore (the closest we have ever been was around Mother's day but she did most of that initiating and also the stepping back) and b) I'm not quite sure what I want. So in that regard maybe I should step back and put the onus on her to convince me she's worth it. Thanks for the advice.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Your and my attitudes toward the sitch sound more and more similar as time goes on. Yet your X is friendly (somewhat) while mine is either cold or flippin angry.
Maybe the similarity is due to a mere fatigue factor?
Yeah Gabe, fatigue factor and the feeling that I have to completely let go and move on. It's entirely up to her whether she wants to try to have a meaningful relationship. I'm tired of holding on to hope.
Here's my song of the day...
Quote: You love her But she loves him And he loves somebody else Ya just can't win And so it goes Till the day you die This thing they call love It's gonna make you cry I've had the blues The reds and the pinks One thing's for sure
Love stinks Love stinks yeah yeah Love stinks Love stinks yeah yeah Love stinks Love stinks yeah yeah Love stinks Love stinks yeah yeah
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I probably never did say, but I'm doing something that is very doormat-like. Actually I probably did say before, but it's been quite a while.
My X still has one of the garage door openers. Being that the door to the house inside the garage is always unlocked, she pretty much has free access to the house. She has used it to get the gamecube (she came over last night for that very purpose), she comes by some afternoons (when I'm gone) to iron, she'll occasionally walk the dog and she looks after him when I'm out of town, and she uses the computer when she's over. The other day I turned off the garage door that she has the opener for and she was like "so you're all mad at me? You turned off the garage door." I denied I did it...I should have said..."duh, it's my house". Her kids can pretty much come in and do whatever when they are over including snack on my stuff. She doesn't come over nearly as much as she used to, but how would I know since she mainly comes when I'm gone.
So what do you think? Do you suppose it's way past time to get the opener back and have a closed door policy? I know...Bruce will ask "Do you have a key to her apartment?". I actually considered asking her to give me one since she has free access to my house so she'll get the message. I know how she'll be..."you're mad at me. " I've asked for the garage door opener several times before, but usually when I'm disappointed etc. Maybe I just need to move and then there won't be a house that was "ours".
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
You're describing the self-focus of the WAS very well.
I wonder if the garage-door opener represents the door cracked open in your sitch... BTW, I don't have an answer for you, just ponderings. IMHO, the safe, stable home and Wes to return to are your cards. You can move on while communicating some access.
Now, if you were in a new R or she was running havoc over your private life - checking out your emails/bills, if her kid is eating you out of house and home, etc... - then that might call for stiffer fence-building. But I'm not sure your current status calls for that. Does it?
Instead, I see a woman loitering, shifting thru the ashes, trying to make sense of her decisions and actions, like a lost soul haunting a house. Except that she's very much alive, and can readily come back to you if she stumbles upon and admits to a clearer view of reality.
I will not ask that question, but I will ask this one, why do you get upset with her or yourself when she comes and goes in the house with the kids, etc when you have continued to give her access?
To follow your thought on the other thread, I believe most of us believe we failed because we did not "bust" the divorce, but I feel there was very little we could do once we realized the train was headed out of control. As I said, DBing may not save the marriage, but it will save our sanity.
I too looked for information regarding remarriage and like you, found little data. We are clearly forging new territory. Many LBS are bitter with their X's and do not communicate, have moved on and started new R's, have found more peace of mind after D, realized they were unhappy as well and not in love.
We are, I feel, a tiny minority, still searching, looking, waiting for some reconnection with the person who left us. Why?
Well, this has been the crux of these discussions these many months.
Quote: We are, I feel, a tiny minority, still searching, looking, waiting for some reconnection with the person who left us. Why?
For me it was because I did move on, got my own life, made myself whole, tried other R, made myself happy and then realized there was still a part missing. Him.
Thanks for the input Dogma and Gabe. In answer to your question Bruce, I guess it doesn't bug me much except for the feeling that it shouldn't be an open house because we are divorced. At least she knocks anymore, before she just came on in. Sometime I'd like to be in bed with another woman when she barges in. As far as the kids goes I don't want it to be a harsh transition where suddenly the house they used to live in is off limits. Maybe the answer is as Gabe suggested that this is literally leaving the door open a crack...rather than just the metaphorical door we usually talk about.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
" I've asked for the garage door opener several times before, but usually when I'm disappointed etc. Maybe I just need to move and then there won't be a house that was "ours". 