Waitting a day or two to find the right time and mood to have this kind of conversation is understandable. You want to be relaxed and have your H relaxed to be in the right mindset to make this a comfortable conversation.
I think it is great that you are going to make this step. That you have decided to invest your time and energy into trying to make your M more healthy. And sitting down and setting some boundries in the very begining is a awesome approach I believe so both parties know where they stand and what the can expect from each other.
I only to well understand the comment you made about your H finally noticing how messed up your R was to decide he wanted to work on it. It is a shame so many times it takes cutting them off to make them open there eyes. And I believe it is very common that people have to resort to this to make there P realize they are unhappy. I know my H thinks we are fine as long as we are having sex. He never looks any deeper into our relationship or life then that. Sad but oh well Have you set any goals for yourself yet? If so I would love for you to post them. It will allow others to give you a pat on the back for progress or a red warning flag for backslides. We all need the encouragement we get from this board.
Hope you had a wonderful day.
Nightrunner You posted.
never understand what is so hard about that
Did you ever have a friend or family member you were close to but as time went by and both of you changed. This person did things that maybe you did not agree with in your life ie drugs,stealing,cheating on there spouse or even a personality change like they thought they had become the Jones and others were below them. They became someone you had fond memories of the past with but did not look forward to spending time in the present or future with? Do you want the same things you wanted when you were 18? The same model car the same style clothes the same job the same hairstyle the same deoderant? Have you ever saw something advertised and bought it to find it was not really what you wanted? Have you ever thought you would enjoy a sport or activety like golf and then tried it to find it was lackluster? Did you ever volunteer to do something or get a job or project that seemed easy enough to only find out afterwards there was more to it then you thought?
If you can say yes to any of these things then figuring out whats so hard about this should be easy.
Yes, I have known friends who changed over the years. I am also different now than I was at 18. The thing is, I did not marry one of my friends. I made a vow, a promise. To me, a promise to spend your life with someone is the most important thing one can do in their lifetime. Not the promise to make it work until you change or get tired of it or want something else. Til death us do part comes to mind. Has the world changed so much that those words don't mean sh#t anymore? Why is marriage still around anyway if it does not mean what it says and what people promise. I think people have gotten so use to getting what they want and quitting and starting something else when they get bored, that they think the same applies to marriage. I am not saying that someone should stay with someone who is abusive to them or to children. But if you make a promise to make it work, then do all in your power to make it work. The only person who can know they have done all they can do to make it work is you. But be honest with yourself. Have you done all you can do? or all you are willing to do?
God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind......so there.
No one was saying divorce or giving up was exceptable.
You stated that you did not understand what was so hard about continuing to love honor and cherish someone. I simply pointed to what makes it so hard. People change and evolve and sometimes who they change into is not who we want in our lifes. Or sometimes we change and evolve and our S does not or grows in a different direction so they no longer fit perfectly with us where we are even though they may have at one time. One may become very religous while the other is a ethiest. One may fall into drinking or drugs and want to go out partying everynight while one wants to stay home and drink coke and watch the ball game. One may like sex often while the other likes it seldom. One may feel comfortable in a messy house while the other becomes a clean freak. All these thing all these different dynamics are why it is so hard. It does not mean someone was not paying attention to there marriage vows. It does not mean someone is right or wrong if they give up. It does not mean that they did not know what they were saying with there marriage vows. It really means that they did not know what there future held for them. Did you know when you took your vows you would later be in a SSM? Did any of us here know when we took our vows there would be something so dissapointing or unsatifying in our M later that we would be seeking help to cope with it and correct it?
You stated this to Sadfish Did someone hold a gun to your head and make you get married? Did you listen to the vows you said when you got married?
She is in a bad place in her M just like the rest of us. And yes she is the LD. And one of the issues in her marriage is sex. She has a lot of resentment and has reason for it so yes her and her H sex life suffers the backsplash of alot of different issues. But she is here just like us to try to work through things not to give up. And I percieve what you said as insulting not only to her but any LD person on this board. That just because we have issues reguarding sex that we did not understand or take our marriage vows seriously. And then to add insult to injury you stated I never understand what is so hard about that. I do not think people actually know what they are saying when they get married. This statement can be read as you understand but others cannot somehow making you superior. I understood my vows when I took them. They did mean something to me or after 15 years of [censored] I would be gone. I have a great sex life and have the power to make it better. I just have a shitty marriage so in the past have choosen not to. And even though I am LD I am not a lesser person. And I understand why it is so hard and why things get in the way and make it hard to continue to love your spouse. I am working on moving things back out of the way thanks to this understanding. I am sorry I am not being pissy I just felt you implied that sadfish did not take her vows seriously based on the fact she does not have sex frequently with her H. This seems to be a bit condescending to me.There are other issue in a R just as important or more to some. And if those issues are not addressed then nothing gets better no matter how much sex you have.
Understood. Why can the sex issues not be worked on first before the other issues. Some men, including myself, can hold resentment if they are not feeling loved by their wife. This can lead to many of the problems that some people want to work on before they agree to start having sex. Why can the sex not come first? I am not trying to come down on anyone or be superior. I am here too to try and work on my marital issues. Just trying to show another side to an issue. Thanks, Andy
God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind......so there.
The sex issue can be worked on first in some cases. I took the leap towards trying to fufill my H sexual needs first before my own needs. And a year later that was still the only issue being worked on. I was giving and still not recieving jack. So a year later I discover sexual= emotional and put even more effort into the relationship to fufill his emotional needs that he obtains through his sexual needs. And my H thinks we are fixed all is good. Hello! Not all that much has changed for me. With the exception he is holding his temper more and I gave up the victim role. But that is a big plus for me mentally. So I suggested Sad may want to take the same approach.
Some men, including myself, can hold resentment if they are not feeling loved by their wife. This can lead to many of the problems that some people want to work on before they agree to start having sex. Why can the sex not come first?
Some times the problems that develop and evolve into lack of sex drive will have to come first. After all not working on them lead to the SSM. To get back to a satisfying sexual relationship you may have to address the real issue the one that started the whole ball rolling downhill. Before you can manage to pick the ball up and run back up the hill. For every ounce of resentment a HD feels I can assure you many LDs can match ounce for ounce. For a HD person I find the resentments started when they felt cut off. When they became sexually unsatisfied in there M. But someone that is not true LD that became so. Does this from resentment as a result of them being unsatisfied with something with in there M. That type of LD person was unhappy and resentful much longer then the HD person. This may lead to them feeling that the real issue for them will never be addressed if they fix the real issue for HD person. Talk about a cheesless tunnel for the spouse. Example since I am not sure my wordage is correct.
I am LD in my relationship. I am unhappy. My H is the HD in the relationship for years he did not realize I was unhappy.Why we still had a active sex life. I became no longer interested in sex. I felt that was all her cared about since my happiness or unhappiness did not seem to register with him. He was sexually/emotionally fufilled to hell with me and the issue I had within our R. I stopped having/wanting sex often. My H became dissatisfied. After a year or so of struggles and fights over this.I let some of my sexual resentment that was building up go and started filling his love tank again. Result my H is now satisfied again and happy. Me I am still unhappy. Again he does not look past his own satisfaction to my unhappiness. If I ever want to get to the real issues to me I feel I would have to totally cut him off until they are addressed. Because once he is fufilled he sees no problems or issues exist for him si I should have none either. After all we have a good sex life all should be good. Yeah right. I will not do this I am not more satisfied in this relationship then I was when sex was biweekly But I am allowed more peace. I am settling for that for now.
See sometimes the issue that lead to the LDness in a spouse needs to be addressed first. I mean who wants to be a settled for thing. Great sex life or not. If I read into most of these post right it is not the sex life it is the emotional connection you seek. I do not think you are going to get much of that in a settlement.
Any questions or comments you have maybe we should post on one of our own threads as to not hijack Sads thread.
I understand what you are saying...but for many people if the emotional connection isn't there for whatever reason, the sex falls aside....and many of us can't just have "sex" for sex's sake we need that emotional connection as well in order to even want to go there with our partners.
If for some reason your W isn't wanting to have sex with you...there are deeper issues that do need to be addressed first. If she were to simply have sex just to fulfill your sexual needs...that can cause resentment and make your problems even worse. Now, if you are addressing the other issues as well, you can begin to work on the physical aspects of your R....but really, there is more lacking in your R that needs to be addressed.
I got that. I have been working on the issues that were given as the causes of not wanting sex. She has said that we have been getting along great, but the sex is still not as frequent as I would like. All I am saying is that if the relationship is good except for the lack of sex, what more is there to do but have more sex. My wife and I had a great night last night. Went out to dinner for my birthday, and had some good discussions. She admitted that she realized this week that she has been holding back the sex when she is pissed at me. I asked her if she agreed that things had been alot better between us for the past 7 months, and that I had really changed in the way I react to things. She agreed. So I asked her why she would hold back on sex because I had made one comment or done one thing wrong with all the other things I am now doing right? She agrees that she needs to work on the sex issue. At times, it is not even the lack of sex that is the issue, it is the lack of trying of the LD partner. I think if the HD partner sees some effort on the LDs side, the 'not gettin any' would not be as big of an issue.
God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind......so there.
She says she would feel comfortable never having it, but from past experience, she would want it once a month. Things have gotten much better with us. We are usually MLing once or twice a week. This week, it has been three out of four nights. So I am very thankful for that. I want her all the time, but being realistic, two or three times a week is awesome.
God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind......so there.
Then I am confused about this statement She agrees that she needs to work on the sex issue. At times, it is not even the lack of sex that is the issue, it is the lack of trying of the LD partner. I think if the HD partner sees some effort on the LDs side, the 'not gettin any' would not be as big of an issue.
If you are having sex one to two times a week and she would be happy with it once a month it would appear she is working on it. And the HD partner should be seeing some effort from the LD so why is it still as big of an issue? Seems like she is compromising quite a bit on her wants to make you happy. But compromise is 50-50 does not sound like you are wanting her to meet you in the middle more like you want her to do the whole 100 yards to make you satisfied. Where does that leave her? My thought 50% of the way closer to resentment land and If thats the case the getting along will not last for long before the resentment steps back in and takes over. And you are back to square one. Just my opinion.
