This makes more since then you would think. And it is very common I think.
Eventually I would give in because I hated it when he got mad and I would just lie there with my arms over my face, not wanting to look at him, getting more & more angry, thoughts like 'If he loved me he wouldn't do this', running through my head. Sometimes he would say things like, 'I don't want to do it if you're not into it', but he would never not do it!
I understand this all to well have lived it myself for years. I always felt it was one step away from being raped by my own H.(which is what saying yes for fear of retaliation feels like or saying no to someone and them still going feels like) So hence I took on a feeling of being victimized every time he touched me or said anything about sex. It turned into a burning hate somewhere inside me. Which turned into vivid dreams of dismembering my H in very painful ways. At this point I sought help thinking I may flip out one day. My C advised me that it was normal under the circumstances. I did not want or was not seeking validation I was seeking help to make what was under the surface that made me feel this way better. After finding this BB and reading and coming to a understanding of this emotional connection that seems elusive to me. And once I developed a better understanding behind my H needs. I realized understanding all this emotional stuff he felt through sex was not enough to make things better. I had to decide to stop viewing my marriage and my H from a victims view point. This is not a easy thing to do. I have more then just the sexual abuse I felt to jade my perception of my H. There is some physical and plenty of emotional abuse to boot as well that I had to just decide I would not play victim to from that point on. Basically I said the past is the past and as of today if I want to make this marriage work I will continue to do xyz and try to do it openly and honestly and based on today not yesterday. It is really hard to put all that resentment behind you. But resentment got you where you are in truth. The first time you said no to your H and he still continued to badger you or have sex with you your resentment was born and everytime since your resentment has grown and it now has a firm hold on your entire relationship. Like a ivy vine that sprouts roots and spreads everywhere until it strangles out your entire flower garden. Well now you have to decide if it would not just be better to pull all the ivy out and let the other flowers grow again, It will be hard there will be new sprouts from the roots that remain and you will have to constently tend to pulling the roots out. But you may end up with some beautiful flowers again after awhile. So what I am saying is you have to decide if you can change the way you view this issue. Can you say as of today I want my marriage to work I understand sex is a important part of a healthy marriage so as of today I will no longer be the unwilling partner and unwilling victim. I understand though I do not get a sense of being loved from sex my H does and it is important for me to make my H feel loved so I will actively and willingly engage in this act of love for him.
The emotional connection during sex for me is missing.
I lack it. Don't know if I have ever had it or if I did where in the past of my relationship I packed it away if it was even in this relationship that I became so emotionally defiect in or a past one. I am working through all of this myself right now. And it does not pertain to just sex where I lack emotional connection. I do not derive a sense of love by being hugged kissed or complimented by my H. Yet I know he loves me he is obsessed with me. It is hard to actively seek or want something that brings you little satisfaction. But these things are important to my H so I am trying to find a comfortable boundry for us both so he gets fufilled without me feeling harrassed. It is hard to try to always think from someone elses perspective when it is so different from your own. All the kissing and petting to me is like being 100lbs overweight and dieting and jogging everyday for years and never losing one pound or building up any muscle sorta senseless to do. But yet you have a running mate who has lost 50lbs and you know if you stop so will they.They need your encouragement so you continue jogging everyday for there benifit.
So question time.
Can you do it? Do you want to do it? Can you let go of how you have felt in the past? Can you say starting today I want a better marriage and this is what I am going to do. And do it without resentment. Can you actively try to meet your H and his needs sexually to some higher degree then you are now and commit to it no matter how cheeseless you feel that tunnel is for yourself at the moment ie your feeling like you get reved up with no where to go. Can you decide and commit to showing your H its not all about him you are there also in the bedroom so in time there is cheese in that tunnel. Can you look in yourself and decide what other then sex and your feeling of being pressured and victimized by it is problematic in your relationship. (Again I believe her lies the real issue with you something else has spilled over into sex it is like a backsplash effect and you need to figure out what this is for you to be in a better place in your marriage). Can you take one deep breath and just start now today? If you say yes I suggest you sit down and you write out some goals for yourself short term and long term. And talk to your H and say something like "This is where I feel we we are and I do not feel either of us are happy with that. This is where I would like to be in our relationship. This is what I am willing to do to try to get us there and this is what I need from you to help us get there" example. I am willing to have a date night ie make relationship time that includes sex every sat because I know this is emotionally important to you and our relationship and I respect that but I need for you to respect me and agree not to grab my breast every time I sit down beside you because this makes me unhappy and resentful.
Just examples just my insight and my thoughts and suggestions.I thought I would share with you. If you have any questions about anything I said or feel I just fell off a wagon and bumped my head please feel free to let me know.
If you want you can read my thread you may see some common areas or thoughts or feelings along with others insights that have been posted.
I would link it but hmm don't recall how lol Dancing with my devils. Is the name of my current one my old one is linked and would probably be more insightful with where you are now.
