I have to agree with the idea that your H probably needs to learn how to ML. My X had never been with anyone before our marriage. The sex was good but got boring rather quickly. I honestly didn't realize just how boring until after the divorce and now I'm in a new relationship. My new partner was single most of his life and has a lot more experience. Basicly, he knocks my socks off!
It sounds like you guys really have a good chance of making this work. You sound willing, it sounds like he's a decent guy who loves you. Get some professional help....
Gigi
"It's not what happens to you, it's what you make of it." Zig Ziglar
Quote: As for H, I guess I just expect him to look after himself, since that's what I have to do. I know, it sounds like a punishment thing, and I guess in a way it is.
I am the LD in my relationship and reading your post I thought wow that was me until not so long ago. All the anger and resentment on the sex issues.The wish they would just leave so you don't have to deal with this issue anymore ect. I so understand all of it.
First let me tell you this the HD people on this board can help you so listen to what they say. At first you might read what they suggest and say yeah right like that is gonna happen. Are they nuts why would I want to do that. But if you let go of your resistance and let go of enough resentment to be open to hearing what they are saying. You might just find some of your resentment for your H ebbs away.
The constant groping and whining about sex just turned me so far off it, it brings us to where we are today.
This statement is so double bladed. And will remain so for a while. I felt like all my H did was whine about sex I even got to the point I felt my H was so shallow all he lived for was sex. And I felt like if I had sex today with him tomorrow he would want it again so why bother since he would not be satisfied. There are days I still sorta feel this way but it does not bring in that tidal wave of resentment anymore. Why the people here taught me that it was not just sex my H wanted it was a emotional connect that came from the sexual encounter. That does not seem as shallow to me so it has allowed me to be more tolerant to my H and his needs. Right now you are in a dam if I do dam if I dont sitch. With the length of time since your last sexual encounter I can imagine that your H does seem pretty obsessed with it. And you probably feel he is always in pursuit of you for it. And you are probably right since he never does get to have sex. We have always had a active sex life just my idea of active and his were no where near matching in numbers. So I always felt he was chasing me down to have sex I felt very pressured and felt it would never be good enough or enough to satisfy him and through frustration I became very resentful of him even looking my way let alone touching me. We now have sex 8 times a month I came up with the number and I committed to it. This has been going on for a year. I am sure my H would love more but he respects the fact I am trying and it is amount that maybe does not make him feel sex stuffed but also does not make him feel sex starved.I mark my calender afterwards so I make sure I do not back slide and break my commitment. I would suggest you make a consious desision and take a simular approach. Not 8 times a month right now. But maybe at least commit to once every week or two weeks something you could be comfortable with. Not the virtual sex feast he may crave right now but better then the 2 to 3 times a year he is currently living with. And inform your H I agree to have sex at the rate of one time per week or what ever you decide for now. If it is out in the open and he knows well we had sex last night so it will be a week before a repeat it may take some of the pressure off of you. The constent need to try to fondle you may diminish some. But do this with the knowledge he is not going to be superstud man with sex so seldom his staying power will be nil to none in the begining. Which may still lead to resentment on your part for lack of being fufilled with the encounter. You will have to take charge on this aspect also. And I do not mean private masturbation. If your H is unexperienced as mine was when we got together and is not the adventurous type as mine is this is a long road to walk. My H falls back on what feels good to him assuming it feels good to me also. So if we try something new and he enjoyed it and I appeared to have enjoyed it he overkills it to the point it becomes boring and no longer enjoyable. Its like his mind says hey this was good so this is how we will do it forever.Yuck! becomes my thought after awhile. But you do have some power over this. Get on top lead the show. Most women enjoy sex better on top. The grinding action you can achieve this way stimulates the clit which heightens your sensitivity. Also do not put your knees on the bed put your feet on the bed as if squatting it always deeper penatration. On top you are in charge of postion speed and direction its worth a try if you have not. You can also have H wait for you in bed and say hey gonna take a quick shower. While in the shower invision something that makes you aroused touch and feel alittle to get the arousal going then met him in bed already one step closer to where you want to be. And if he is done before you don't just say dam it here we go again. This was a big problem with H and I for a long time. Finally one day I took his hand placed it where I wanted and said you may be done but I am not If you would like to do this anytime again in the near future you need to make sure I get done. Not been much of a problem since lol.
It did not take you a day to stop wanting to have sex. I am sure that there is more to your lack of desire then just to dissapointment. You will need to find that other discontentment and work on it. But you will also need to make some steps to start meeting your H's needs and your own. And believe me the people here will look at your words throw them back at you and say why what makes you feel this way (in a nice way)and so okay what are you going to do about changing this. Be ready to really look at yourself closely in the mirror.And except for you to make your marriage better you have to work and change regaurdless if your H is in your opinion. You can only change you. When I first arrived on this board I was like sex was not my problem all these other issues in M where my problem lack of sex was not making me unhappy everything else was my H was. Well now I see my lack of fufillment of my H emotional needs which is primarily through sex was also my problem. I know someone else already sugguested that you read Hairdogs thread. Don't just read his current one read his past ones also. It was his thread before last that first made me laugh so hard I cried and say omg can you believe that then made me think about my H and say omg I have done that. (It was a breast touching incident). This put me in a place where I could put my resentment down and read what people where saying.
Well on to the housework. Welcome to the board. I hope you find what you need here.
Chrissy. I liked your post so much. It is very good advice to anyone who is LD for now. You get many "ata girls" from me for making the changes and still keeping yourself intact.
Two things I want to know, When is your book coming out so us sex starved guys can pass it on to the wives that don't get it, and do you have a sister.
Re: Sister. Pam cooking spray commercial where a young guy of few words makes Lemon chicken and his friend, also of few words, ask how he did it. The cook only says "Pam" and the host ask "Does she have a sister" The commercial is about 3 years old and I have not seen it in a while.
Two things I want to know, When is your book coming out so us sex starved guys can pass it on to the wives that don't get it, and do you have a sister.
Gosh a book maybe when I am 100 percent the person I want to be. Gosh just imagine all the royaltys I would have to pay out to all you helpful people for making me aware! We will all be rich yeah . Of course it may be a while
Sisters yes I have two one older and one younger (way younger). Both currently taken though sorry! lol
I think I have seen that commercial or one simular recently.
Re: Chrissy When is your book coming out so us sex starved guys can pass it on to the wives that don't get it, Just wanted to reinforce the pluses for you getting it.. I hope your H "gers it too" and soon.
So many of us SSH here wish we had a spouse that would try some of the things you have tried eventhough the "mood" may not have struck.
I understand the no interest mind set of the LD but the other party is still burning up inside.
An important note here, sex isn't just being available, sex begins BEFORE you walk into the bedroom, and continues after you have an orgasm. Just being available to youe HDH, for him, isn't satisfying and just leads to further resentment.
" I am sure that there is more to your lack of desire then just to dissapointment. You will need to find that other discontentment and work on it. But you will also need to make some steps to start meeting your H's needs and your own. "
After yet another fight with H and a couple of hours of not being able to sleep (plus too much coffee!) I was thinking about this.
The emotional connection during sex for me is missing. A probable cause would be the many times I made myself clear that I didn't want to ML yet H persisted. Eventually I would give in because I hated it when he got mad and I would just lie there with my arms over my face, not wanting to look at him, getting more & more angry, thoughts like 'If he loved me he wouldn't do this', running through my head. Sometimes he would say things like, 'I don't want to do it if you're not into it', but he would never not do it! Then he would wonder why I would push him away when he tried to cuddle me afterwards!
I think this is why I see ML as more of a physical act than an intimate one. I hope this makes sense, it's late and I just wanted to post before I forgot!
. Of course it may be a while 
