Thanks so much guys for your input. Where do I start?
I guess I have never been completely satisfied with our sex life. In the beginning it was good because it was a new, exciting experience but once that wore off things got boring quickly. I tried SO many times to instruct H on what felt good for me and what didn't but nothing took. He was back to the same old thing EVERY single time! So eventually I gave up and thought that the only way I will ever get anything out of this is if I do it myself!

Then the kids came. Whoa nellie! No one tells you the effect they have on your sex life until AFTER they are born. Great help lol. Especially after #2. I hated H even touching me. I have gotten better, but still don't like him touching my breasts (while breastfeeding it made me almost sick if he touched them) or genitals. There is an automatic reaction to push his hands away. The constant groping and whining about sex just turned me so far off it, it brings us to where we are today.

We don't spend much time together, H is out of the house by 6.15 am and back around 6pm or later, 5 days a week. I work 2 days. He helps out a lot now because he realised what goes into raising kids. He kicked me out in a rage early this year (because of the sex thing) and I didn't go back for 12 days. We went to counselling about his anger and control issues and he has been great ever since (mostly!).

Body image is a bit of an issue. I would love to exercise more, but the kids make it hard. I try walking with them, but the youngest just makes it an absolute nightmare by crying and wanting to be picked up. I am really lucky though, I really only have 8kg to lose (it's so stubborn!) and I didn't get many stretch marks, but there are jiggly bits that shouldn't be jiggly! H still thinks I'm hot lol.

Sex to me now is something you do to make babies or to have fun. I definitely do not want any more kids and the constant disappointment with ML makes it hard to think it can be fun.

The pros: be closer to my H
cons: pregnancy
all worked up and nowhere to go (energy & concentration)
the wet between the legs for days after
not sleeping

I was on BC pills but stopped them a few months ago to see if that had any effect. I can't really say if they did or didn't. I have never taken any other medication so there is no problem there. I saw a doctor last year and asked her to run some tests to see if my hormone levels were ok. She said I was a bit low on iron so I don't even think hormones were tested at all! You are right, I should see a doctor, maybe I will have to skip the local GP and go straight to an endocrinologist.

As for H, I guess I just expect him to look after himself, since that's what I have to do. I know, it sounds like a punishment thing, and I guess in a way it is. All the hurt and anguish over this issue has just built up this huge wall.

Anyway, that's all I can do for now, have to get ready for work!