I'm a LD wife, actually make that ND. We haven't had sex since January and to be honest, I don't miss it one bit. We have been together for 13 years, neither of us has ever had sex with anyone else. My desire started diminishing probably 5 or 6 years ago, but after 2 kids (the youngest is almost 2 yo) it's gone.
I read Michelle's book (hubby is still going) and thought it was fantastic, but I still can't bring myself to have sex. I understand that my husband is really hurt, we have argued and discussed this at length, but what am I supposed to do, lay there and think of England? I have done that before and it doesn't do a relationship any favours. Sometimes I just wish he would leave and then I wouldn't have to deal with the issue.
Don't get me wrong, I do love my husband, I just don't enjoy sex, I would so much rather sleep! The cons outweigh the pros. I am really stuck with what to do, any suggestions? I can handle honest feedback, you can't say anything worse to me than my husband already has!
Welcome to the board. There are really a lot of good people here. Some blunt like me, others more able to see the emotional side of the issues.
Re: SadFish Sometimes I just wish he would leave and then I wouldn't have to deal with the issue.........Don't get me wrong, I do love my husband, I just don't enjoy sex Sorry you are having trouble with the physical side of this love and biological activity. Do you want to fight about this issue until someone leaves? How flexable do you think you could be to try somethings for a month or two. Some things will work better than others. Just because you try things, it does not mean they have to be forever.
I don't miss it one bit. Your H does. A marriage is about two people and the kids, not just about one person. I am not saying your feelings don't count.
My desire started diminishing probably 5 or 6 years What did you feel 7 years ago? Your H most likely still feels the way he did about sex 7 years ago. That is a tough position for a man to be in.
Other than the kids, what changed in the last 6 years? Lots of people have kids and still have time for sex and many ML, the good kind of sex. What is missing from the R that might get the two of you back on track and the train at least moving? Stationary trains get hit and de-railed sometimes.
Do you feel like you count in the marriage? Any drinking, drugs, porn, abandnment issues, do you do most of the work around the house and work too? Is H gone a lot. How much time do you spend together (one book recomends 15 hours a week). Touching during the day? What part of intercourse (IC) is the worst? Warm-up time or just quickies for him? If no or little IC, do you offer an alternative like a hand job?
I can handle honest feedback I am asking honest questions. I suppose you can handle them. No one knows enough about your situation to give good answers. I don't want to shoot without seeing the whole target. It's not fair to you or us on the forum.
I read Michelle's book "Divorce Remedy" by Michele Davis and "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch are two good books to read. Please read both of them.
You might want to read hairdogs post to see what it feels like when men are in a sex starved marriage. Honeypot is a woman who was sex starved and likes to ML 3 times a week. It works both ways.
I am not on your H side or your side. I like to see couples work out something so they stay together. I don't think 2X a year is enough to keep a marriage together.
Hey Sadfish, a few questions: 1. Have you investigated the possibility that your low libido is due to physical reasons? 2. Are you on medications that affect your libido? Antidepressants can lower your libido, as can certain birth control pills, and some other meds. 3. How's your general health? Do you exercise? Exercise is good for your body and for your libido. 4. How's your body image? If it's not good, then maybe the whole idea of getting naked is turning you off. 5. Do you get any pleasure out of sex once you get started? Do you orgasm? Does your H know what to do to get you aroused and give you pleasure? If not, then maybe you two might think about seeing a sex therapist. The fact that you two never had other sexual relationships might suggest that you could use a little guidance. Making love is more than putting tab A into slot B.
This is a big problem OF THE MARRIAGE. It's not your problem alone, but you need to work together, and by yourselves, to solve it. Know that if you don't put some major, observable, consistent effort into solving this problem, that your marriage is doomed.
Im the big advocate of the medical solution on this board. It sounds like you might have a thyroid condition. IT is easy to test (but hard to diagonse) Look at some of my threads and find the RIGHT doctor. It is amazing how it can change things.
Well a positive thing is that you seem to care! You are here and asking questions!
I am the LDW in our R. My children are 8 and 12 so are past that baby stage that takes so much energy out of a woman. My drive was much less then than now. I felt like a need meeting machine and had very little going in to feed my needs. I think that can be a contributor particulairly if you are not a HD person.
I agree with what others have said here. Have you had a medical check up or gone to the doctor about it?
I don't know what you see at this point...Michelle's books talk about the pain that D brings on children. While you can work on your M I encourage you to do so.
I had anger and resentment toward my H that I had to deal with so my LD is a combination of 1)Lower Drive than my H 2) Marriage issues to deal with 3) Energy 4) Self IMage.
Those issues I am dealing with as far as 1) Healthy eating, vitamins etc., exercise 2) Work on me as far as the Marriage Issues 3) Quit believing the lies in my mind about myself and see what is really beautiful about me and 4) THE BIGGIE....think differently.
Sometimes I can have NO DESIRE for sex at all. If I just think about the sex first. But I think first about what I love about my H. Then I think of S as a way to express that love to him. He hears it best that way. I don't think of S as just the raw act. I know that probably most HD can and do and that is good for them.
I go at it from a different place. Then once I start thinking about him and what I love and respect about him then I think about the last time or times we made love that I really enjoyed and what I enjoyed about it. What felt really good. Then I think about that and pretty soon an eyebrow is lifted and I start giggling.
Ok, I said that to say. I had to figure what were my LD issues and what do I need to do to try and come to at least a closer place to my H drive so that he doesn't live in continual frustration.
Don't just accept that you have ND. If for no other reason at all...but for your children! Do you want them in a marriage with no sex? What if they want sex and their partner doesn't?
As a mom and that natural fight for your kids thing inside. I had to learn how to do the right thing...how to make my marriage work...so that they could look at us and see we did it! If we fail then they have less change of succeeding. D is very painful..my parents D and then remarried.
Make the decision to find answers! You can do it! Do it now! Don't wait! Check 1st with your Doctor.
I really hope that Sadfish isn't one of those one-posters. I'd like to learn more about her situation. I don't think any of the LDers here consider themselves NDs. It would be educational.
Sad, Can you tell us what it is about sex you don't like? Does it hurt? is it gross? does it feel good at all? What are the cons that outweigh the pros?
I'd just like to understand better where you are coming from.
Thanks so much guys for your input. Where do I start? I guess I have never been completely satisfied with our sex life. In the beginning it was good because it was a new, exciting experience but once that wore off things got boring quickly. I tried SO many times to instruct H on what felt good for me and what didn't but nothing took. He was back to the same old thing EVERY single time! So eventually I gave up and thought that the only way I will ever get anything out of this is if I do it myself!
Then the kids came. Whoa nellie! No one tells you the effect they have on your sex life until AFTER they are born. Great help lol. Especially after #2. I hated H even touching me. I have gotten better, but still don't like him touching my breasts (while breastfeeding it made me almost sick if he touched them) or genitals. There is an automatic reaction to push his hands away. The constant groping and whining about sex just turned me so far off it, it brings us to where we are today.
We don't spend much time together, H is out of the house by 6.15 am and back around 6pm or later, 5 days a week. I work 2 days. He helps out a lot now because he realised what goes into raising kids. He kicked me out in a rage early this year (because of the sex thing) and I didn't go back for 12 days. We went to counselling about his anger and control issues and he has been great ever since (mostly!).
Body image is a bit of an issue. I would love to exercise more, but the kids make it hard. I try walking with them, but the youngest just makes it an absolute nightmare by crying and wanting to be picked up. I am really lucky though, I really only have 8kg to lose (it's so stubborn!) and I didn't get many stretch marks, but there are jiggly bits that shouldn't be jiggly! H still thinks I'm hot lol.
Sex to me now is something you do to make babies or to have fun. I definitely do not want any more kids and the constant disappointment with ML makes it hard to think it can be fun.
The pros: be closer to my H cons: pregnancy all worked up and nowhere to go (energy & concentration) the wet between the legs for days after not sleeping
I was on BC pills but stopped them a few months ago to see if that had any effect. I can't really say if they did or didn't. I have never taken any other medication so there is no problem there. I saw a doctor last year and asked her to run some tests to see if my hormone levels were ok. She said I was a bit low on iron so I don't even think hormones were tested at all! You are right, I should see a doctor, maybe I will have to skip the local GP and go straight to an endocrinologist.
As for H, I guess I just expect him to look after himself, since that's what I have to do. I know, it sounds like a punishment thing, and I guess in a way it is. All the hurt and anguish over this issue has just built up this huge wall.
Anyway, that's all I can do for now, have to get ready for work!
Where to begin? Yes, check with a reputable physician, because the last time I checked, iron was not a hormone.
Marriage counseling sounds like it may help you guys. With him "kicking you out" it sounds to me like anger and sex probably aren't the only issues. It's hard to find a good one, but it's definitely worth it.
Quote: I tried SO many times to instruct H on what felt good for me and what didn't but nothing took. He was back to the same old thing EVERY single time!
Sounds like both of you need some work on this issue. You need to get strong and tell/show him what feels good. And when he starts doing the "same old thing" well, you just have to say, "uh, nope. That ain't doing anything for me." Because, let's face it, there are plenty of ways for both people to feel good about sex, and plenty of ways for just one to feel good about it.
Quote: cons: pregnancy all worked up and nowhere to go (energy & concentration) the wet between the legs for days after not sleep
Just guessing here, but it sounds like, once he gets his "o", he doesn't really care about yours. Um, just a guy here, but, hey, that's not fair. Either you need to take control and show/tell him exactly what to do to help you get over the mountain, or both of you are out of luck, right? And this "wet between the legs for days after" suggests to me that you don't masturbate.
(It can get pretty graphic here, sometimes). Well, maybe you ought to. It could help you better get in touch with your body. It's your sexuality too, you know. Take responsibility for it. Own it.
How about some "How To" videos for the both of you? There are a lot of tastefully done instructional videos, dvds, and books for you. Sounds like you might want to give them a look.
I have to go now, too. I'm sure others will add to the list.
Oh, you are so normal! What you guys are going through is so normal!
What you feel about your young children and sex is exactly where most women are! They grope your breasts all day and feel overworked already! It is a season of life that you are going through. Tough on the sex life, can grow apart as many do...while the most incredible blessing of your life has come. Beautiful children!
This is what people talk about "working on a marriage". Making time for each other. Dates. Figure out what works for you. Schedule something together alone. If you don't have a family or $$ for a sitter. Find someone to trade with.
Your H helps you. That is HUGE! Wow!
I think you said neither of you had sex with anymore prior to your M. Right? How cool. I don't know how long you have been married. But your H needs to be taught how to make love.
I read this book...have it..something like "Dummies book (you know those) about the Jewish Religion". Anyway a chapter talks about how some of the boys are trained to be great lovers! IMagine. I mean who does that? Men are not trained to be great lovers prior to marriage ....if they read/see anything at all it is locker room talk or porn. oh yea, right....exactly what women want.
Rather than be angry with him, realize he just doesn't know and probably won't admit it either. The male ego thing, you know. Don't destroy his ego. He needs it.
You have to be careful how you approach him for what you want. Sometimes men aren't willing to listen until they get into their 40's. And it is a process with each decade...they are like wine and getter better as they get older. Don't lose heart.
I know I'm not answering everything here. Can't you find some sort of birth control that will work? Yikes! That can be a real issue. If you are thinking about that it is hard to relax, have fun, and get into it.
You may not have any problems with your hormones. The equasion of young children, little time together, your not getting sufficient "loving" time outside the bedroom as well as during sex, his anger, working....the American ideal that we live in!!!!
Put a priority on your M. Really! Been married 24 years. I made so many mistakes. I was foolish for HOW I handled the issues we had (he was too, but I look only at my responsiblity in this now).
Boredom can totally set in. There are some great suggestions out there so it doesn't become boring. You may have to teach him. Be careful how. I know when I was bored sometimes I was impatient becasue I was horny and I hurt him. Take the bull by the horns so to speak.
Provide music or candles...dress different...do things that make you feel good. Read some things and then maybe share with him what you realize about yourself that you need. Ask him if it would be ok if you could give him a book explaining how you feel or email him or????
Women are the initiators in R. John Grey says...I agree. Don't resent it...realize it is a wonderful thing that we know.
Educate yourself. You are not alone! YOu are not unual. This is very usual. Not doing something about it is usual too...don't do that usual part. For your kids...for your marriage...if nothing else!
lol.