I read this post late last night and decided I wanted to say something reguarding your sitch.
I just wanted to say that I agree with what Chrissy said that I have a lot of anger about relationships. I thought I had gotten over the fact that my WS had lied to me about carrying on an affair for 12+
It is understandable that you have a lot of anger requarding the fact you were decieved for 12 years. It is also fair to say that some of your anger is self anger for being blinded to the sitch for so long. It must feel that some how you enabled her be able to decieve you. It is understandable that you would be angered that not only was this a affair but a continuation of a relationship that was ongoing from before your time with your wife. It is understandable that you have a low opinion of the type of personality you percieve the OM to have and that you will react strongely to others with that type of personality. But in truth his personality is no more at fault for what happened in your R then anyone here that has that personality type is. And you probably already know that but it is a great place to displace your anger for now. But to heal from the anger you will have to assign it to the proper owner of it. Your wife and her actions within your relationship and your self and your actions within your R. You will have anger you will have doubt and you will have questions and it will take a long time to establish trust and confidence back into your relationship much more then 7 months but hopefully alot less then 12 years.
I do have a loaded question for you. From what I see this OM existed prior to your wifes first marriage the course of that marriage more then likely you dating phase and then the course of your marriage so far. So your wife has lived a double life (for lack of better words) in two different relationships for a long time. Now her two worlds have collided. Do you truely believe you having this knowledge will ever be able to trust her truely trust her. And if not are you willing to live the rest of your life looking sideways to keep her in sight.
I can understand how some people fall into affairs and how there spouses are willing to forgive and stay within a relationship. But to me and this is my opinion your wife was not having a affair it was a long term relationship. Not a quick sexual romp. Not just a emotional support system that became more then just casual friends. But you cannot be personal with someone for so long and it not become... Urgh personal. How do you feel about that? To me that would be harder to deal with then a affair and much harder to forgive. But that may just be me.
I think what brought up the anger was a number of things - the adoration that BF gets when he puts forth his ideas about male superiority and dominance and female submission; the hero worship that Uncle NY gets when he analyzes and spins his webs
You will come to realize once your initial anger subsides that it is not adoration nor hero worship of the persons per say personal sitch it is respect of there support and insight into others sitch that has gained them others admiration and support. Once you learn to direct your responses neg or positive to the subject instead of the poster you will find people more incline to interact with your post.
