My WS sent me an email this morning suggesting I do some thinking today about what I would like to be doing as work, since my boss is out of the office. My masculine identity resists having to depend on someone else's suggestions or advice about what is my primary source of male ego, e.g., my work life. Still, I also appreciate her taking to time to think of and make the suggestions. To me, it is a sign of affection and love. So, I will be reworking my resume and trying to list all activities in the past I have enjoyed and how they might be incorporated into a job description, a la Richard Bolles, "What Color is Your Parachute?", etc. My WS also says she feels frustrated sometimes that she can't do more for me in helping me in the work area.
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." - Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms, 1929.
So my WS and I had a session with our MC yesterday afternoon. I had intended to spend only half the time going over some things I have been doing to crank up the job search mechanism (creating a website for myself, register with online job sites, attending networking meetings, updating resume, exploring career options). We spent all of the time on my job search; my WS and I had planned beforehand to do it half and half; half the session on my concerns and half on hers. She didn't seem to mind that we spent all the time on me, however. One thing she asked the MC, which made me feel very appreciated and loved, was she asked him how she could support me in this trying time. I responded, "Just listen, and repeat back to me what you hear are my concerns, and make suggestions." Anyway, we found out, or reinforced, that my main problem with this !%$&!!@#! job search is going to be my difficulty with asserting myself and my low self esteem. But we will work on that.
I notice that I am not getting any response to these postings, . . . . . which is OK. I think the reason Uncle NY Survivor suggested I move to it is that he was feeling harassed by my comments and wanted me to move to a site that doesn't get much traffic, . . . . . which again is OK. I am content to just write down my thoughts to make them a little clearer in my mind.
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." - Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms, 1929.
I appologize for not posting, however I have been following. As far as the job thing goes, may I suggest the "Resumes that knock them dead" and "Interviews that knock them dead". Like yourself, I was letting failure kill my assertivenes and drive. Once I read these books, learned and applied what they taught, I was quite a force to be recond with.
You are probably starting to see the same results from what you have learned here and DB/DR. This sounds like quite a growing time for you. Recognize it as such, have a positive attitude, give space, and be the better choice for her. As you'll hear on this board, the longer you do this the more you will see how "on the money" these books are. It gives me a positive feeling when I see that if I follow what I'm taught here, I can overcome this problem/challenge.
Work hard on yourself, that is the main thing I have learned here. Keep your focus on your changes. The fact that she is doing MC with you is a big plus, take comfort in that. To me that is a very big positive that she wants to work on things. In a way perhaps having the session focus on your issue made her feel more at ease with the sessions, therefore leading to more session, resulting in a more likely positive outcome. But I suspect you've already made that connection.
Sorry this is short, but work duties call. I'll get you more details on those books I mentioned. They are well worth the money spent, I won't even lend mine out.
Don't be slighted by the lack of replies to posts. It isn't that people don't read posts, but few reply. I am a big lurker myself. It's a matter of people's limited time and honestly, a lot of us are at a complete loss to offer advice sometimes. I have my own thread that I post to whenever I get the gumption, and I might see a response to my posts once every month or two (usually by the same person). It's just the nature of our situations. They are all consuming.
By all means, use the board to relieve the pressure as much as you can. I hadn't posted in a month or so and I finally did write a big ol' long one the other day and I felt 45% better afterward (and that's significant!). That's what these boards are best for.
If you really want to have an interactive thread, the best thing to do is visit other people's threads and be supportive and once you start to get to know other posters, they will begin to reciprocate. But, this takes a time, and most of us are very short on that. When I first found these boards I poured myself into them, but then I started to burn out a little and backed off and now I use them as needed. There are good people here, but we need to spend most of our thoughts in the non-cyber world.
Whew...this is the longest reply I've written in months...need to sit out and take a break now!
I have never had a harsh word for anyone on these boards before, and I don't know you or your sitch. but I do wish you well. I think though that you are so focused on YOUR interpretation of things that you REFUSE to be open-minded and consider that you may be wrong. Challenging someone's thoughts is perfectly wonderful here. It helps us grow. Perhaps it is that which you were trying to do? Attacking is different. I know I am not the only one who has seen these posts of yours as personal attacks. And now, I say I think you have some personal exploration to do and your reply is that *I* don't understand myself. Well, you know what, it is no secret to anyone who has bothered to read my threads that I am still learning and growing. I don't think it's a bad thing. But what you do when someone brings up something to you is turn it around in a very offensive/defensive type of communication. And if I am seeing that in just a couple of your posts, I think you ought to consider it. I wish you well, but please quit attacking people on this board. It is completely inappropriate and not something any of us here needs.
TS - I have been looking at your links and your posts and now that I have read this one I understand you a little more but I do find it difficult. Due to the fact that when you are talking about your W you sound so much like many other's on these boards, also when you post on your own threads you again sound like someone going through all the processes and riding the confounded rollercoaster.
When you post on other's threads you offer great advice and offer your own opinion. When I look at your posts on NYS they seem to be from a different person.
You mention that you often feel inferior or have issues along these lines and that is fine but if that is the case I would lurk at NYS but maybe not comment, due to the fact that people do seem to take you the wrong way even though it may be unintentional by you.
I guess reading more of your posts on your own thread will slowly give me a greater insight to you. B/c I don't feel I have a handle on you yet I refrain from saying too much. These boards make it hard as you really can only go by peoples words but I like to think I have made a great connection with many people and can read their personalities through there words. With you it is a little more difficult but that is fine as we would all be rather boring if we were all the same.
As for your sitch, I see positives there from your W as at least she is prepared to help you on the job front and is asking C how she can support you and she is still at home so these all show that you can work on things. Listen to what she says about you and see what you can do to understand what she is saying or how you can meet her half way.
I hope some of this has made sense and I didn't come here to bag you out, just to try and understand you more and to offer some kind words of advice if possible.
Thank you for the reply, KDU. I don't have much to say right now. I hesitate to say this, (I know, "Don't say it, don't say it!), but over the weekend I was thinking about the reply post Tambo made to my post calling him a West Coast Fruit Loop, and I was comforted that this board is anonymous, since I didn't want to have to deal in person with testosterone or John Wayne or an angry, tough cop, or whatever. Anyway, words are only words; I remember once from my college courses in Political Science that some words have been considered "fighting words" by the Supreme Court, but, hey, words have never bothered me that much (you can tell that from the criticism I have gotten on this board, "verbal abuse", "idiot", etc.) Maybe it's because I don't trust the words so much as the actions behind them. Well, enough philosophizing. I hope your situation is going well, or as well as you can make it, and again, I appreciate the compliment about my advice on the boards.
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." - Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms, 1929.
Thank you again, KDU, for the post. I have been spending the last few days being dumped on for disrupting others' posts and verbal abuse and other things. I just wanted to say that I agree with what Chrissy said that I have a lot of anger about relationships. I thought I had gotten over the fact that my WS had lied to me about carrying on an affair for 12+ years with a macho jerk, and my having to hear about it from the OM's wife. I think what brought up the anger was a number of things - the adoration that BF gets when he puts forth his ideas about male superiority and dominance and female submission; the hero worship that Uncle NY gets when he analyzes and spins his webs around the girl he tried to control and then couldn't; the stories I read about here about girls/women who wanted to marry a man they thought would be like daddy and take care of them, and it didn't work out. I thought that my marriage was not like that; that it was more of an equal partnership with mutual respect. Obviously it wasn't, since my wife was carrying on an affair with a "man" who said she was his pornographic ideal, since he thought he could have his stable marriage and also have an ideal fantasy sex life as well. It didn't work out, but not for lack of his (OM's) trying. And reading these stories about how so many men and women lie to each other, and my trust being shattered seven months ago, well, what to think. Can I go back to trusting my WS, given the shock from 7 months ago. Now, on the surface, our relationship is recovering, we are going to an MC whom we like, but now my WS wants to stop the C for awhile because, she says, school is starting and she is too busy. This is a red flag for me, and I have told her so. I had said I don't want to go back to the old days pre-affair when I was fat, dumb and happy, and oblivious. Does this sound arrogant, condescending, like I don't respect most of the relationships I read about here? It is all in the reading. Maybe yes, maybe who knows? I think most people look to their relationship as most important and look at other relationships through the prism of their own experiences. How could it be otherwise? I am just looking for honesty and I think some people here are less than honest, or at least less than candid. I like this board, because I can be completely candid, and not have to worry about the consequences; who knows who I am? Of course, if Tambo finds out who I am, who knows, he might come gunning for me at the OK corral, and I'll be screwed. Others want to make personal connections; that is others' prerogatives. I will stay with anonymous and just call 'em the way I see 'em.
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." - Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms, 1929.
Obviously, strong personalitied fellas trigger something in you and you go on the attack. It's not hard to see why--that appears to be the sort of guy your W has been carrying on with. That would be terribly hard.
It's also apparent that you are not one of those 'macho' (for lack of a better word) type of guys and so you cloak your insecurity about this with words about equality and such.
If it's any consolation, my husband is not an aggressive alpha male either. I couldn't express how much I love him. I would love for him to cultivate his aggressive side but, honestly, I fell in love with him for the very fact that he *wasn't* like the stereotypical blustering dude.
Please don't feel like this is the only type of man who appeals to women. A lot of women, like myself, enjoy more mellow fellows.
What I don't enjoy is a doormat yes-man no-opinion-having passive limp noodle.
I would encourage you to look deep inside yourself and try and pinpoint the qualities that your wife would like to see more of, and get to work on those. Do a 180 in real life and surprise her.
I'm sorry that she's red flagging you. What a mind spin. Hope it all starts to level out and that she pulls her head out soon.
TS - thanks for the honest reply. You make alot of interesting comments I must say.
I just wanted to say that I agree with what Chrissy said that I have a lot of anger about relationships.
Now that is true honesty and maybe your anger with this make you have a different outlook and opinion than most here, that is fine but you may find that you get more responses by friendly interaction first. Just a suggestion.
the adoration that BF gets when he puts forth his ideas about male superiority and dominance and female submission; the hero worship that Uncle NY gets when he analyzes and spins his webs around the girl he tried to control and then couldn't;
Yes I am sure that makes you mad and I think that is b/c you can't believe people like that deserve that adoration. Especially when you haven't and you feel you are a better person than them but again that comes down to what individuals want. (It wouldn't suit me to dominating, I agree it is a partnership)
You know I could be so wrong but I will tell you what I got from your last post. I got someone who is so badly hurt by the betrayal that his W inflicted upon him when he didn't deserve it, that he has a certain amount of bitterness b/c of this and harbours alot of anger.
Now TS this is not a personal attack on you at all, I am just saying this is what I interpreted from your post and like you say they are just words and they don't affect you (that's not quite true though is it)
Anyhow I truly think you have alot of healing to do. You like all the people here have been hurt. Accept that and try and deal with your hurt but move on. I really feel that you haven't been able to come to terms with how this has happened to you when you feel you did everything right.
You know what you very well may have done everything right, but you know that doesn't guarantee you anything. My H had an affair with someone 10-11yrs older than him from his work. This apparently was going on for 3yrs before he left me. When he left me he didn't mention an OW.
This came out eventually and for about the last 6 months my H has gone up and down round and round and backwards and forwards between me and the OW. He has now decided to end the A with OW and give our M a proper chance at reconciliation. Will this work I dont know yet, but my point is I still don't understand how his mind has worked but I had to do some investigating into my own short comings and what I may have done to contribute to the fact that he seeked solace in another's arms. I can now see area's I probably needed to work on and I will never understand why he didn't talk to me about this rather than choose the option he did but as they say we can control ourselves and nobody else.
You may never understand other people but you can always try, I believe you have a long way to go as you need to look inwards first at yourself, the way I had to before you can move on. Try and take a step outside yourself and analyse yourself a bit, you might be amazed at the realisations you come up with. This may soften the hurt a little and give you a little more understanding. You can then apply the 180's that are required.
I know this has been long winded and I could ramble on and on but probably about the same stuff so I hope this is clear as I can get off the track sometimes and I don't proof read my posts. If not feel free to ask what I meant and I will be happy to explain myself.....KDU
