So I get an email from my boss saying we need to look at my part of the company and what I am going to do to increase the "revenue stream". Tone of the email is not good for me. Basically, it says my part of the company is getting close to "sunset"; what will happen after that is for me not promising. I am responsible for this part of the company; if it is gone I suspect I will be let go as well. I think the time frame for my boss to decide about that is at most by end of the year. Will meet with my boss later today; we will talk about all this.
I have been looking in a limited way at other options. Updating my resume. Posting my resume on some employment websites. Researching job tools, websites, jobseekers groups, support groups in Atlanta area. Our MC says this is a good opportunity to look at what excites me and look for a job which will excite me. I have heard about looking for work which "follows your bliss" and allows you to "blossom" most of my life (58 years old) and haven't found it yet. Present job is limited IT database/technical support and has some rewards. I like being able to solve problems for our software users. Unfortunately, this software is being "sunsetted". I have tried to get into other parts of the company, but boss says he wants me to be responsible only for this part. What this has to do with marriage building and maintaining is a lot of my self-esteem and self-worth are tied up in bringing home a paycheck and having a job to go to each day. Even though my WS says she wouldn't think less of me if I lost my job, I wonder and my conditioning adds to the wondering. I also wonder if the fact that I have never felt comfortable and easy in my work life made her more likely to accept the OM as a sex partner (her thinking less of me because of my limited skills where men prove themselves - in the job market, elk and moose butting heads and one coming out the winner and gathering his harem, etc., etc., etc.
Anyway, I have seen this coming, and the email from my boss clarified what was happening. I feel pressured to raise revenue for my part of the company. Feel pressure in stomach (light burning feeling), feel myself dwelling on feelings of doubting my worth, feel slight disorientation, slight sense of fear for what future will bring. These are all familiar feelings, have had them many times in the past when I have thought of love or work.
Our MC said our session on Monday was interesting in that we went over both of these issues (Love and Work) and that Freud said these two are the main issues that most people spend most of their time dealing with.
And so it goes.
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." - Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms, 1929.
