I just found your thread and went back and read your other one. I don’t know if I can help or not, but I was the on in my R that had an EA. I don’t know your wife so I can’t say for sure if she feels anything like the way I do/did but maybe this will help you see it a little more from her side.
Most people don’t have A’s just to have an A. There has to be something lacking in the R to make someone do it. In my case it was a H who did understand that I was severely depressed and his attempts to “make me happy” would not fix it. After a while of his attempts failing, he gave up and withdrew from me almost completely. (I can’t say I blame him, I wasn’t a great person to be around.) And in that space someone else came along who took the time to understand me, to show me attention that I wasn’t getting from my H, to try and help me in the ways that actually helped. All the things my H wasn’t willing or couldn’t do.
I knew the whole time that the A was wrong, even though there was no sex involved, I was giving away a part of myself to a man that wasn’t my H. Honestly at the time I would have given anything for it to have been my H instead. My A lasted 5 months before my H found out about it. Of course I lied about it and tried to make it out to be less than it was. It ended in a divorce last year (but there is a happy ending, if your interested come read my sitch).
I felt so much guilt, for what I had done to my H, my family, and myself. I would give anything to turn the clock back and change what happened. Please be patient with your wife. I know this might be hard to do because you were the one hurt, but she’s hurting too. The guilt, the shame, the sadness, are sometimes over powering. And please don’t do what my H did and ask about every little detail. He now complains that this is on of the worst parts, knowing all the little details and not being able to not have them in his head. And if your wife is anything like me, each time you ask her, it’s like a razor through her heart.
I’m not sure if this helps you any or not, but I thought I would share. I hope the best for you and your wife.
