Uncle NYSurvivor suggested I move to this index, so I'll give it a try. I don't get many replies to my posts, which is OK. I just write things out to clear my mind. My WAS is in LaLaLand this week (SOCAL), visiting her daughters and grandsons. They are staying at the super deluxe Hyatt in Huntington Beach, which makes me feel guilty because I couldn't afford to pay to stay in a place like that, but I am happy she is enjoying the visit. Since she is the WS (before, not now; we are working on rebuilding trust since her affair of 12 years, all during our married life. We are still married.), I am apprehensive of what is going on out in SoCal, but we have rebuilt some trust since the bomb dropped four+ months ago. I still have doubts. We are going to MC; she seems to be committed to the counseling, but now that school is starting up again and she goes back to teaching it is going to be harder to find appointment times. I feel compelled to press her to attend the counseling because I don't want to wind up in another bomb-dropping situation.
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." - Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms, 1929.
I just found your thread and went back and read your other one. I don’t know if I can help or not, but I was the on in my R that had an EA. I don’t know your wife so I can’t say for sure if she feels anything like the way I do/did but maybe this will help you see it a little more from her side.
Most people don’t have A’s just to have an A. There has to be something lacking in the R to make someone do it. In my case it was a H who did understand that I was severely depressed and his attempts to “make me happy” would not fix it. After a while of his attempts failing, he gave up and withdrew from me almost completely. (I can’t say I blame him, I wasn’t a great person to be around.) And in that space someone else came along who took the time to understand me, to show me attention that I wasn’t getting from my H, to try and help me in the ways that actually helped. All the things my H wasn’t willing or couldn’t do.
I knew the whole time that the A was wrong, even though there was no sex involved, I was giving away a part of myself to a man that wasn’t my H. Honestly at the time I would have given anything for it to have been my H instead. My A lasted 5 months before my H found out about it. Of course I lied about it and tried to make it out to be less than it was. It ended in a divorce last year (but there is a happy ending, if your interested come read my sitch).
I felt so much guilt, for what I had done to my H, my family, and myself. I would give anything to turn the clock back and change what happened. Please be patient with your wife. I know this might be hard to do because you were the one hurt, but she’s hurting too. The guilt, the shame, the sadness, are sometimes over powering. And please don’t do what my H did and ask about every little detail. He now complains that this is on of the worst parts, knowing all the little details and not being able to not have them in his head. And if your wife is anything like me, each time you ask her, it’s like a razor through her heart.
I’m not sure if this helps you any or not, but I thought I would share. I hope the best for you and your wife.
Thanks for that perspective. A lot of us who have been hurt don't fully understand the other side of the problem. Being a problem solving type I usually want to know as much as possible, but like you mentioned, it's a two edged sword. I think the best advice I have learned here is just to move on and work on the future. I'll have to look at your past posts.
I'm glad it was helpful to you. I don't mind talking about it, but it's a very painful thing for me. I think it always will be. But I look at it this way, if I can help anyone with what I've been through, if I can give anyone a different outlook or way of thinking because of the pain I caused my XH, then that makes it feel a little better.
Quote: Most people don’t have A’s just to have an A. There has to be something lacking in the R to make someone do it.
That is what I have been able to get from my WS. At first, she couldn't tell me why she had done it. After talking this out with our MC, he, and then she, suggested she was looking for excitement to deal with depression. The affair also had a history; she had known the guy before we met and had been in the A during her first marriage. All this said, I think as a man, my first reaction was/is to find out what I was doing wrong. The MC and my WS are more interested in what she was thinking, feeling at the time and now. I have found this out from my WS, but it is enlightening to hear it from another WS.
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." - Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms, 1929.
Quite often I try to remember that I should be a friend first and a H second. So I try to put my hurt aside and see things from her perspective. As much as possible I try to get away from blame-storming and guilt laying. So far this has made a big difference. I have to keep telling my self if I'm going to win her back I have to be her friend first. If I am her friend, would I do those things?
I'm not saying I'm perfect at that yet, but I am doing well enough that I think she is leaning towards my side of the fence fairly comfortably. In stead of wondering where it will go, it's now more a matter of when. Everyday I'm learning more to work with time. Keep posting you are helping me and I'm sure others.
In stead of wondering where it will go, it's now more a matter of when. Everyday I'm learning more to work with time.
Yes, our pastor says "Take it day-to-day, and when that doesn't work, take it hour-by-hour."
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Keep posting you are helping me and I'm sure others.
Thank you, I am just talking out loud in an environment where I don't have to worry about what people will think. I am glad this is helping you.
Do you ever get used to the heat in Phoenix? I was there a number of years ago and got in the airport at 11:00 PM. I asked the cab driver what the temp was. He said it had cooled down to 92.
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." - Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms, 1929.
The Phoenix part of my name has to do with the state I was in when I came to this web site. I felt things had came crashing down and was burning up and I was hoping I would be able to come out of the ashes. I actually live in the Northwest, we will probably see 3 digits, but it will cool down at night. Spark has to do with my career(EE).
Sunday was a good day for me. Due to prayer and study I found renewed commitment and a clearer view of what the Lord asks of me. I will focus on what I need to do, treat W with love and respect and let the Lord work with W in his own time and way. He is starting to touch her life, I just need to be patient and let him do what is right. Right now I feel I can hold my head high and answer to the Lord proudly for the effort and commitment I have put into this M.
It has been a long year, but I can see the progress and am not about to give up. Early on, in the darker days, somehow wife felt I should leave. Even though she was the ILYB.... having an EA, she felt that it was best for all if I should leave, I said I was not going to leave. As some of our friends/acquiantaces have slowly figured out that things were not good, all have said, "you're not going to leave are you". I have reassured them that I am not. A few have gone as far as to say, "those kids need your solid consistency". Even her parents who haven't (or don't want to) figured it out, see that I am a better S than their own D. Last night FIL ask W, ____ has been to our house and helped out, we haven't seen you in about 2 months. (They live 40 miles away). Kept a great poker face on that one.
Even though the hurt has been tough, I do still pray for my wife. I try to treat her with respect. When I pray with the kids, I make sure they include her in their prayers. Will she let the Lord guide her, time will tell. Hopefully pride and negative influences will not destroy this R and family.
Our pastor has been a great support for me in this situation. I was ready to accept the death of my marriage when I found out about the affair, but got some reassurance from him when I found out that this happens a lot in marriages, in what he considered good marriages. So we are taking it day-to-day. My WS does morning prayers on the way to work (early, 6:30, she is an elementary teacher). Hers are more directed; usually, I only pray during Sunday service, and only by mentally repeating "Thy will be done." I feel somewhat guilty about that, since it doesn't take much effort. But it helps me keep balance.
My WS is coming back home this evening after visiting her daughters and grandsons in Lalaland (Huntington Beach). I need to bring up the subject of MC with her. We started a course of MC (Imago) after the bomb dropped, mostly at my insistence. I feel that I have been pushing for it more that she, although she seems to find the MC useful and we both like our MC. We have dropped it for a few weeks and I need to pin her down to set our next appointment. She is starting school next week, and that is always a busy, stressful time. I am looking for a low-stress, non-confrontational method of doing this. I tend to be too direct sometimes.
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." - Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms, 1929.
If your wife is reaching daily to the Lord, perhaps it is time to do like wise. You don't have to be in the same group as her, you can pray by yourself. Work on building a closer relationship with the Lord. Talk with him and make him your close friend, not just an aquaintance. If both of you are seeking the Lord and his will, doing things and treating each other as he would, things could go wonderfully crazy. Best of luck.
