I am really stuggleing again today (anziety/heavy depression). I have written a letter for my XW but know I should not send it (180-Patience). Our aniversarry is coming up this month. I am posting it here for you all. I really want to send it though. She sent me this email (snippet) over a week ago and I am tring to do my best to be patient but also trying to understand what she is thinking and feeling and of course wants.
her email (snippet) to me
You don't seem to realize that you're not the only one who lost something here. I don't know what the future holds for us, but being pressured about it doesn't do either of us any good.
Please, be patient.
Thanks.
I have written this because she has always asked me why I love her but in the heat of an arguement, you can never get to what you really want to say.
From me (not sent...yet)
I want to give you your space. Your time. I am trying hard to be patient but that is one of my worse attributes. I read what you are telling me, I know what you are telling me, but I’m not sure I understand. I want to understand.
I don’t like to make you feel guilty and these have not been my intentions. You have asked me before (July) why I loved you. The answer is not simple and is different for all of us. You probably wouldn’t love me for the same reasons I love you. You should love me for your reasons. You know were I was before I met you. You were my angel. I tried to never let you forget that. But there is so much more. My feelings for you come from so many different things. It’s in the way you make me feel that my troubles are eased. It’s in the confidence and determination in the things I do. It’s in your smile. It’s in my thoughts of you working in the yard or floating in the pool. It’s in our everyday conversations. It’s in the way I could call you and tell you of a fire or accident call that rattled me. It’s in the way you would say how much you enjoyed the dinners I made. It’s in facing a problem together and getting through it. It’s in your laugh when I say something you find funny. It’s in a long drive to S.D. without pauses in the conversation. It’s watching you sleep curled up in a blanket. It’s in bringing you special coffee before you wake up and seeing you smile. It’s in sharing breakfast duties. It's doing for you. It is not all what you have done for me. It’s the way I feel when I can do for you.
If I had written this three years ago, it would have maybe been viewed as romantic. Now….? Either way, the feelings are as true today as three-five-seven years ago.
Go ahead good people...blast away in your generally kind supportive way.
jak466
Jak466
State Trooper: Do you feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?
Del Griffith: Yes sir. Yes. Yes I do. I mean she may not look like much but she'll get you where you wanna go.
Very sweet sentiment. I agree entirely with you that it would have previously been seen as romantic, now just pressure (ie "hey honey, remember the past?"). Don't respond to her e-mail. She didn't write any questions into it or anything that would suggest you should respond. What she wrote is straightforward..."I don't know what the future holds for us, but being pressured about it doesn't do either of us any good.
Please, be patient."
Please do not mess this up by trying to "woo" her back when all she wants is space. Give her space for awhile.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Great letter. Keep it stowed away on your computer though! As a reminder for you to stay strong. Sending it will at best lead to her completely ignoring it and at worst viewing it as "too little too late", pursuit, pressure, and she may even treat you with greater disdain. Think actions, not words. Think, months, not days.
I feel for you. This is extremely difficult. It has been over two years for me and I still cant see light at the end of the tunnel. It is a slow process with many fits, starts and backslides. Prepare yourself spiritually. Take care.
UD
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
I feel for you on the anxiety/depression part. Believe me, it took a whole year for me to get out of that deep hole. But if you keep looking and searching and hanging on, there will come a time when you can bear it, even take charge of your responses and handle the sitch with some semblance of poise. But it will take time. Please try to be gentle with yourself as you face this devastation. Hope you can develop a small, tight network of support, maybe one of two trustworthy friends who will listen to you and help you stay afloat without intervening too much into the sitch. Just somebody to hang out with or call in the most difficult times. That is one way I got through the very rough initial period.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
MY ex said to me that she doesn't know where we will be in the future. All I know is that I have been in this for 7 months now. I went on antidepressants temporarily, and it did help steady me. Going to the gym was a big help for me. Keep posting here, and journaling. Give your WAW her space. Let her get a good idea of what her life is without you. It is hard, but you CAN do it. You must. Let go. I can only now say this after 6 months. I still love her, but she must be on her own for now...
M: 35; Together 14 years - married 5.5 no children Bomb 22-JAN-2005; D a few months later First real relationship post D just ended ( 7 months ):(
I read your situation. The patience part is difficult and even more so for some of us. I am also a person of little patience. My H has asked me over and over again for over 8 months to be patient and give him space. For the first several months I didn't. I pursued over and over again. All I succeeded in doing was making him more angry and making myself feel more hurt. But when I backed off and stopped calling him, stopped text messaging him and stopped checking up on him, he started coming around. If your wife is going to come back, it will only happen when she decides to come back around. There is absolutely nothing you can say or do to make it happen.
It has taken me a very long time to be ok with this. But trust me, the sooner you give her space and leave her alone, the sooner things will get better for you. In time, she may come back around, she may curious and start contacting you. But more importantly, it does get a little easier as time goes by. The urge to call gets a little less. The overwhelming desire to talk with them decreases. The sun begins to shine through the clouds momentarily and you suddenly realize that you are experiencing periods of happiness independent of how the situation is going. It just takes alot of time.
I vote for buying that motorcycle. I think it will be a great help to you to get out and have something to do.
Thanks for the words of hope in overcoming my lack of patience and anziety. I know it has to be her choice. Can't work any other way. Had some recent contact with XW. She is taking me in for surgery this thursday. I haven't seen her since I told her I knew she was dating someone. Little nervous about this. I think after the sugery, I will go as dark as possible. I feel I am just ripping the band-aid off the wound every time she sends me a scrap of hope. I will see if that has an impact.
Jak466
Jak466
State Trooper: Do you feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?
Del Griffith: Yes sir. Yes. Yes I do. I mean she may not look like much but she'll get you where you wanna go.
Quote: I feel I am just ripping the band-aid off the wound every time she sends me a scrap of hope.
Ouch. That is exactly how I have felt. My situation was actually progressing very well until I became anxious and impatient. It seems every little bit of progress or scrap of hope leaves me wanting more. Sometimes I think it is best for us to take breaks from the situations. I have needed some time lately to relax without worrying about saying or doing the wrong thing. And the only way to do that is to avoid being around my H. At one point in time he was avoiding me and now I am trying to avoid him. Time away seems to help put things in perspective.
It's still hard because the life we want to have isn't possible right now. Even when you get out and get involved in things and spend time w/friends there is still that ache of wanting to share those things w/the WAS. So there's really no way to get a complete break from the situation. But I think limiting contact w/the other person can help to diminish the extreme ups and downs. Maybe going dark for some time will allow that scab to progress to a scar.
Good luck with the surgery. I think your wife still cares about you -- if she didn't she wouldn't have offered to take you for the surgery. It's not were you want her to be but it's a step in the right direction.
