Circling the Drain

[jak466]

I am really stuggleing again today (anziety/heavy depression). I have written a letter for my XW but know I should not send it (180-Patience). Our aniversarry is coming up this month. I am posting it here for you all. I really want to send it though. She sent me this email (snippet) over a week ago and I am tring to do my best to be patient but also trying to understand what she is thinking and feeling and of course wants.

her email (snippet) to me

You don't seem to realize that you're not the only one who lost something here. I don't know what the future holds for us, but being pressured about it doesn't do either of us any good.

Please, be patient.

Thanks.

I have written this because she has always asked me why I love her but in the heat of an arguement, you can never get to what you really want to say.

From me (not sent...yet)

I want to give you your space. Your time. I am trying hard to be patient but that is one of my worse attributes. I read what you are telling me, I know what you are telling me, but I’m not sure I understand. I want to understand.


I don’t like to make you feel guilty and these have not been my intentions. You have asked me before (July) why I loved you. The answer is not simple and is different for all of us. You probably wouldn’t love me for the same reasons I love you. You should love me for your reasons. You know were I was before I met you. You were my angel. I tried to never let you forget that. But there is so much more. My feelings for you come from so many different things. It’s in the way you make me feel that my troubles are eased. It’s in the confidence and determination in the things I do. It’s in your smile. It’s in my thoughts of you working in the yard or floating in the pool. It’s in our everyday conversations. It’s in the way I could call you and tell you of a fire or accident call that rattled me. It’s in the way you would say how much you enjoyed the dinners I made. It’s in facing a problem together and getting through it. It’s in your laugh when I say something you find funny. It’s in a long drive to S.D. without pauses in the conversation. It’s watching you sleep curled up in a blanket. It’s in bringing you special coffee before you wake up and seeing you smile. It’s in sharing breakfast duties. It's doing for you. It is not all what you have done for me. It’s the way I feel when I can do for you.

If I had written this three years ago, it would have maybe been viewed as romantic. Now….? Either way, the feelings are as true today as three-five-seven years ago.


Go ahead good people...blast away in your generally kind supportive way.

jak466