Not sure where to begin

[NNP1965]

I think it is time to update my sitch. Nothing has really changed in our relationship. H is still here and everything "seems" good. I have been struggling with the passing of my Mom and just this past weekend I had another jolt.

A very dear friend whom I love told me her H (whom I also love and think the world of) is addicted to porn and has been using the phone and internet for several years. She just found out and is devestated. I think if it were not for her strong Christian beliefs she would have walked out the door and not looked back. Instead her H has sought counselling, seems truly sorry and wants to do what ever he has to to save their marriage.

She told me she is afraid what she felt for him is gone. I told her that it probably is gone, but that when they come out the other side of this what she feels for him will be much better than what they had. I gave her my DR book and SSM.

Their sitch got me to thinking though, that my own marriage is not healthy. It is not what it should be and it is not what it seems on the ouside. I know my H looks at porn, but he does not know that I know. I do not have the courage to confront him about it because the only way I know about it is from snooping. Also when he was away last year and having an EA, he has no idea I know any thing about it and the only reason I do know about it is from snooping. So I don't feel like I can mention it.

I think that if I were to confront him about anything he has done (is doing), he would be out the door. Maybe I am wrong, but I am a coward and do not want to find out.

So here I am again almost paralyzed by my own fears. I want to have a happy, healty marriage not just one that looks like it from the outside.

My H refuses to ever discuss anything, he thinks we are fine. BUT WE ARE NOT! I know eventually this will all surface again, and other than causing a rukkus and bringing it all out I do not know how to envoke change.

I am working on my self. But I really see no improvement in my marriage. If anyone has any advice I would love to hear it. What's ahead of me seems so daunting, I am paralyzed to take a step. I feel like I need someone to shake me out of this place I am in.

Any advice?