Thanks for asking nm. I'm sorry to say, not very well.
I am really floundering with trying to GAL away from my family. Especially with the things going on with my mom, I really feel overwhelmed. We are going home next weekend and I will be staying for a few extra days to help my sister care for my Mom.
I enjoy doing things with my H and my kids. I really have no desire to be away from them in the evenings. I know that is not how I am supposed to feel but I am having trouble thinking of something that I want to do with out them.
One voice in my head says stop looking for trouble and enjoy the relationship H and I have now, but the other voice in my head keeps reminding me of how my H has been in the past. I really do see signs that he is maybe ignoring how he feels. (?) Not that we talk about it (heaven forbid we should ever actually talk about anything ). He has made a decision to stay here because "of committment and our boys", but I also want a happy healthy marriage. Maybe I am asking for too much.
I am the queen of "acting as if". I have always done that. I think in my case it might not be all that healthy.
I am sorry I am rambling and really not making much sense, am I?
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
I felt the need to make a post today. This is exactly one year since H dropped the bomb. During what I thought was a routine phone call. He was 5000 miles from home and told me he did not want to be married any longer.
To my knowledge he does not even recall that today has any significance. He is here and we are doing fine. Having a good time as far as I know. But if you had asked me a year ago yesterday I would have said we were fine then also, as I did not know any different.
My Mother past away a month ago. I feel so strange about it. Sometimes I can not fathom that she will not be there the next time we go home to visit.
Sorry to be rambling... I should be in bed, but like a said just felt the need to make a post.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Sarsic- You have been so great on my sitch, I thought it was time to get caught up with you. I am so sorry to hear about your mother's passing. I understand how tough a situation like that can be on you, the people around you and especially on a marriage you are trying to work on.
It sounds like in the past year you have made leaps and bounds in making goals, in realizing problems and dealing with them. You have beeing trying to GAL and it sounds like things are good for you. I am happy for you. I hope that your worries have started to subside. I can understand those voices in your head reminding you of what he did, what he could do, what he said he felt and what he said he would do. Hopefully time will heal, forgive, but not forget. If you forget, you could slip into old ways and habits. Instead, remember it, but don't dwell. Spin it as a positive motivation to keep working on yourself, on your marriage.
Hang in there.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
Hi TMW, I have been wallowing in self pity and did not even see you came by here. Maybe this will be my motivation to get back up on the DBing horse again. Thanks.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Sarsic - hang in there. I'm sorry if things are bad, but there is light at the end of this darkness - sometimes our candles just get blown out and we need help finding a match. Sometimes, we also just need a break. Being involved with DBing every single minute of every day can get exhausting. Heck- just living day to day can be exhausting, add to it bills, job, pets, kids and a significant other and there aren't enough hours in the day to keep things straight.
Things will work out. Trust, believe, breath.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
I think it is time to update my sitch. Nothing has really changed in our relationship. H is still here and everything "seems" good. I have been struggling with the passing of my Mom and just this past weekend I had another jolt.
A very dear friend whom I love told me her H (whom I also love and think the world of) is addicted to porn and has been using the phone and internet for several years. She just found out and is devestated. I think if it were not for her strong Christian beliefs she would have walked out the door and not looked back. Instead her H has sought counselling, seems truly sorry and wants to do what ever he has to to save their marriage.
She told me she is afraid what she felt for him is gone. I told her that it probably is gone, but that when they come out the other side of this what she feels for him will be much better than what they had. I gave her my DR book and SSM.
Their sitch got me to thinking though, that my own marriage is not healthy. It is not what it should be and it is not what it seems on the ouside. I know my H looks at porn, but he does not know that I know. I do not have the courage to confront him about it because the only way I know about it is from snooping. Also when he was away last year and having an EA, he has no idea I know any thing about it and the only reason I do know about it is from snooping. So I don't feel like I can mention it.
I think that if I were to confront him about anything he has done (is doing), he would be out the door. Maybe I am wrong, but I am a coward and do not want to find out.
So here I am again almost paralyzed by my own fears. I want to have a happy, healty marriage not just one that looks like it from the outside.
My H refuses to ever discuss anything, he thinks we are fine. BUT WE ARE NOT! I know eventually this will all surface again, and other than causing a rukkus and bringing it all out I do not know how to envoke change.
I am working on my self. But I really see no improvement in my marriage. If anyone has any advice I would love to hear it. What's ahead of me seems so daunting, I am paralyzed to take a step. I feel like I need someone to shake me out of this place I am in.
Any advice?
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Why don't you start by listing the specific things that you feel need to be worked on in your M. Once you post a list, we can help break it down and come up with ideas/goals to help. Once you see things in balck & white, it might make them easier to tackle, one by one.
I think you are in a good place. Your M isn't in crisis mode like most everyone here....you have enough insight to know there's trouble spots and can begin working on changing things before it gets out of control....that's a big, big positive, Sara.
I recently read a book called Naked Intimacy, I'm sorry, I don't remember the author, but out of the many, many, many (lol) books I've read recently, this is one that I mostly found insightful.
Have a nice thanksgiving and post your "M issues" so we can help!!
). He has made a decision to stay here because "of committment and our boys", but I also want a happy healthy marriage. Maybe I am asking for too much.
