Not sure where to begin

[NNP1965]

Hi everyone. I have been posting in the Newcomers forum, but I can not get anyone to respond to me there (well hardly anyone). Maybe this is where I should be.

My sitch is a little unique in that my H is here and not talking about leaving. But he has in the past and I believe at this time he is only here because we have two children. Not because he loves me, he has said as much. Everything "seems" to be really good between us, but I want to ensure that it "is" really good between us and stays that way.

We do not communicate very well and it is especially hard for me to bring things up while things are going so well. My biggest dream is to hear my Husband say ILU and not have any doubt that he means it.

Does anyone have any advice for me?

[sage]

Hi Sara,

So...welcome to piecing. It does seem like a good place for you to be. Like you, my h didn't leave the home (after adamantly saying he wanted to go). It took a LONG time for me to move past the "is this pretend" or "waiting for the other shoe to drop" phase.

How are you doing with reading DR?

My best advice to you would be threefold...work on yourself and the things that make you happy, work on specific things in your m that need to improve and work on issues that h has had with you in the past. I like to make 3 goals at a time -- one for each of these areas.

So, what would get that PMA up and get you feeling good about yourself? Any things that you've always wanted to learn or do???

As for the M goal -- what I'm talking about here are things that bring you and h closer. For my h and me it's time spent together -- hiking, movies, dinner out, whatever. What is the glue that holds you and h together? What were the fun things that you used to do?

Then, for the "issues" goal, pick something to work on that irked h. Clutter, interrupting, talking too much, disclosing secrets to family...whatever. Tell us a complaint that h had about you.

Finally (for now!), I cannot recommend "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" highly enough. It is a wonderful companion to DR. If you haven't read it, do so. If you have, read it again.

Poke around here and read some threads. You'll see we've all battled the battle.

Sage

[NNP1965]

Thanks for responding Sage. I have never read Mars/Venus, but I will go to the bookstore tomorrow and get it.

I have been reading back through some of your sitch. I wish I had found DB a long time ago. I have spent most of the day reflecting on our R and remembering things long forgotten.

Sorry if this turns into a ramble. I have so many things running through my head.

The first time H said he was not happy was in the May 1998, then again in Jan 2003 and then last fall. So that makes three times and he has never left our house. It seems like just the act of telling me he is not happy lessens the pressure and we move on from there. That is why I am so sure I have to do something or it will eventaully happen again.

The hard part is that he never tells me anything that is wrong. Also each time he has said if he starts feeling unhappy or if something feels wrong he would tell me about it, but never has. Just out of the blue says I am not happy, WHAM.

I have finished reading DR and this weekend read SSM. I am ready to get to work on myself.

I like your idea of three goals and I will get busy on that.

Reading this BB gives me such hope that something can be done. I read 5LL last fall and that made me determined to figure this out and make it work.

[slowly]

The hard part is that he never tells me anything that is wrong. Also each time he has said if he starts feeling unhappy or if something feels wrong he would tell me about it, but never has. Just out of the blue says I am not happy, WHAM.

Sara, we had the same problem too. I thought he was happy, turns out he was telling me in his own way that things were not so good. Mars/Venus should help with the necessary translation.

Slowly

[slowly]

Sara - interesting history in your previous thread.


Advice needed

While my H is here now and not talking about leaving, I honestly feel it is just a matter of time until there is another "episode" like last fall. Unless I do something to ensure that does not happen. I feel like I have the chance to make changes.

How are you doing with your goals? And yes, every day is a new opportunity to make a difference, and change the course of events.

Slowly

[rottzilla]

Sage gave some great advice, and a good book to read. I have to add "The Five Love Languages." That book turned my thinking around, personally.

Also, I'd like to hear some of your goals. Sounds like if you were to make changes in yourself - make yourself happy. Maybe take up something you always wanted to do. Believe it or not, it works. Remember, in a relationship, if you change, the other party has no choice but to change. It's true, I've seen it first hand.

In the meantime, let's hear those goals.

[NNP1965]

Oh my goodness. Thank you guys so much for replying to my sitch! I just got back an hour ago from a long weekend trip (11 drive each way). As soon as I get settled I will respond to each of you.

I am just so thrilled to have some responses!

[NNP1965]

I have never been very good at setting up goals. So this is going to be a work in progress.

Goal #1 (for me)
This is a tough one. It has been so long since I let myself think of something I want to do, I can’t think of a thing. For now I am going to focus on going to the gym. I need to lose some weight (for me) and I do so enjoy going, I just seldom make the time. That is going to be my #1 priority for myself , starting tonight.

Goal #2 (for us)
I am making time alone for us a priority. We have tickets to a concert on the 20th. I will make it a priority this week to find a babysitter for the boys. Also this past weekend while we were at the lake I asked H to sneak away with me for a walk... and we in the woods!!! So unlike me! I know he was thrilled with our walk.

Goal #3 (issues)
I have given this a lot of thought. One thing I know bothers H is when my van is a mess (which it usually is). I am going to make it a priority to clean it out and keep it clean. I will make sure the boys do not leave any things behind when they get out.

So what do you all think? Are these good goals to start with? am I on the right track?

[slowly]

Sara - I remember what it was like in the begining, goals and baby steps seemed so futile given the enormity of the situation. But, I did find that out of sustained change, those little things every week, we have eventually made great strides.

I need to lose some weight (for me) and I do so enjoy going, I just seldom make the time.

This is a very good one. Do you have any targets in mind, either frequency, weight/inch loss or number of new connections? Will you tell H about this, or let him discover that you are doing something new?

So unlike me! I know he was thrilled with our walk.

Wonderful, you pulled a 180 and saw terrific results Now, if you were to list 2-3 'issues' with H, can you think of any 180s that might elicit a different reaction from him?

I feel energized just participating on this thread - great job, Sara

Slowly

[NNP1965]

H will definitely know I am going as he will be home alone with the boys in the evening. I plan to start off with three times per week.

I have actually been having some fun with doing 180's.

I am not sure what you mean by this: Now, if you were to list 2-3 'issues' with H, can you think of any 180s that might elicit a different reaction from him?

Do you mean issues that I have with him?

Thanks for your input.