Quote: My usual response is to be friendly and happy, should I 180 this and be a bit of an ass? I don't ask about OM. I don't pressure to call me, what should I do? I have always given her her freedom to decide. Should I be more forceful?
My opinion is NO -- all of these things will push her away -- trust me -- did them all and it didn't work.
Just an observation -- your XW has contacted you a few times lately. Instead of being satisfied with that, you want more -- I'm not condemning you for that as it is totally normal to feel that way. I finally realized that about myself -- I was always wanting more. And that made me appear to be needy and clingy to my H which pushed him away. I finally realized that I needed to be satisfied with what I was getting if I wanted a chance at him coming home.
Right now you have two choices -- 1. pursue her and push her away --or-- 2. continue to back off, find it in yourself to be patient, and wait for her to continue to come to you.
When you didn't respond to her, she contacted you again -- use that to your advantage. What you've been doing seems to be beginning to work for you. Instead of changing that and doing the opposite, I suggest working even harder at being friendly, carefree, happy, and most of all patient. Don't analyze why she might have called you, just enjoy the phone call. Don't worry about what she might be doing or who she might be with. Use this time to get yourself back together so that when things progress for you, you are ready to spend time w/her without pushing her away. I didn't do that, so when my H started calling me everyday and coming to visit frequently, I was still hurt and angry and it showed. So once again, I pushed him away. (Just sharing my mistake so others can learn from it)
So what are you doing to have fun and enjoy your life? Are you still thinking about the motorcycle? Saw a Harely display at the mall today -- they were pretty cool. Do you go out w/the guys? Have anyone to spend your free-time with?
I know going out w/others doesn't take away the feelings of missing her and wanting to be with her. I feel the same way -- I go out and I've really been trying to increase my social life -- but it doesn't fill the gap left by my H. Then that's were I have to look at the big picture and see that eventually all of this will be behind me and I will either be back w/my H or I will have moved on to bigger and better things. And eventually you will too!!
Tessa, Your right. I do want more. I said before, it feels like it is out of guilt. I don't want that. I want more I want something I can believe in. I am so down that when I do get something I read into it and it gets me up for a short period only to crash harder. Its like quiting smoking. I am really thinking about telling her I can't do this. I care to much to just be an occaisional friend when she feels like it. But I am also afraid that she will say OK. Then I have nothing.
I hate this sh!t.
Jak466
Jak466
State Trooper: Do you feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?
Del Griffith: Yes sir. Yes. Yes I do. I mean she may not look like much but she'll get you where you wanna go.
I asked her once when she wrote miss you, (before I read DB and DR) and I asked her do you really miss me. Her response was, "Of course I miss you sometimes". Not really prommising. It seems she will say something that I want to hear and then later she will minimize it.
Any Ideas?
jak466
Jak466
State Trooper: Do you feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?
Del Griffith: Yes sir. Yes. Yes I do. I mean she may not look like much but she'll get you where you wanna go.
I think Tessa's right when she says "just enjoy" the contacts you have with ex. It seems that even monitoring baby steps has to be done in a clinical manner: "Observe. The XW has initiated contact over the last 168 hours exactly 3 times. It appears to follow periods of the LBS's non initiation of similar contact" instead of "OK! She called me three times this week!" as expectations feed into hope and fuel the desire for more.
I am really thinking about telling her I can't do this. I care to much to just be an occaisional friend when she feels like it. But I am also afraid that she will say OK. Then I have nothing.
I doubt she'll say OK and mean it. She might say OK out of understanding that the contact is hurting you and from not wishing to hurt you further. On the other hand, she might balk because she may not want to lose you from her world. You still mean something to her, and she misses that. My ex says the very same thing, "I miss you... sometimes". I think that qualifier "sometimes" is stuck in there so as to not promote false hope. Not really promising? Don't know... consider that the opposite of care and love is indifference, and someone who misses another, even sometimes, isn't being indifferent. Why is it then only "sometimes"? Besides not wanting to get your expectations up, maybe it's because they're not always in a circumstance where they reflect and subsequently feel the loss. I read these posts where the WAS realizes what they're missing only when they experience periods of being alone: when there is no OP around to divert their attention, be it that there is no OP or their OP is away, or they are realizing that the OP's grass isn't greener and starting to have moments where they feel 'alone' in the relationship leading them to think upon their circumstances.
I am glad you make appearences on by post. You do have stong thought out advice.
I am posting a couple of emails for you to crique. Tell me what I am saying wrong and what you see her saying. I know the people on this board can respect what is being said because we are all in this.
FROM ME,
Hello,
Lots of pain so I am taking tommorrow off. Took off bandage and it is bruised in many areas. They didn't shave my leg and the glue and cotton wrap were stuck to it. Pills not helping too much. Did get my motorcycle endoresment. Gladys had her retirement party this weekend so I got to see the cousins. Really not feeling well. Hope your day is going fine. Leaving F.D. for home.
Rose Holding up?
Her response a week later after her vacation.
Hey,
Don't know how often you check email but thought I'd drop a line since I haven't heard back from my phone call. Unless I've got your work schedule wrong again, looks like you're back to work on Thurs. Hope you're not still in so much pain and that it's not infected or anything in addition.
Rose is holding up well (still). Been trying to take good care of it. Looks and smells really nice. Also carrying the angel in my purse. Thanks again.
Thought you'd like to know the girls have hookworms. Caught it early enough they'll be okay. Just have to keep up with scoopin' the poo and giving meds.
Got your check in the mail. Sure you don't want to hang on to the money a little longer?
Also got a message from Catherine's office about an opening for you. Are you doing okay?
Going to be a crazy month until returns are due. Will be working a lot I'm sure.
Talk soon.
Miss you...
She called me on friday and I took the call. I let her talk and didn't add much. I was friendly and polite.
She was concerned on how I was doing but she also sounded distant after I told her I was fine.
Sent her an email (know I should note have had the post script in there but did it anyway).
From me
You seem upset. Help me understand.
Jeff
Do you truly miss me?
From her
Yes, of course I miss you sometimes. Want you to be okay. Also trying to train my old job and learn my new one while maintaining my sanity. (Remember what Kathy's like to work with...) That's why I'm upset, and also a little confused right now. Please be patient...
From me
5:30 I couldn't sleep. Hope work for you is getting less hectic. Tacos were ok but I don't care for them that way.
Want to be patient but don't really understand. Want to give you space.
There is a storm moving in. Probably best I'm already up.
Pool days are probably over for the year.
Hope you have a good day.
From her
Glad it's Friday.
Pool days are indeed over. Only the ducks want to swim in it now.
Was thinking about what you mentioned about going to Mexico for a few days. Emerald Bay is available the week of Sept. 19th thru the 26th (Mon. to Mon.) and will expire if not used before end of Sept. Looks like you have a five day stretch of days off from the 22nd through the 26th if you wanted to check airfare and head down to Mazaltown for a long weekend... Just thought I'd mention it.
What do you see. I am pretty down and not thinking the best. I don't know in what context she is saying she is confused. Is it work? Is it me? is it something else?
Jak466
Jak466
State Trooper: Do you feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?
Del Griffith: Yes sir. Yes. Yes I do. I mean she may not look like much but she'll get you where you wanna go.
Quote: I don't know in what context she is saying she is confused. Is it work? Is it me? is it something else?
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT! It is her confusion, she has to work through it, and you need to let her. Wasting your time trying to figure out what's confusing her, is just that - a waste of time. You need to only concentrate on YOU.
Was the rose and angel mentioned gifts? Don't do this anymore! If you can't help it and have to buy s/t for her; put it away and don't give it to her. That's pursuing and she wants space.
It sounds like the anti depressants are not working. Have you checked w/your dr about getting on s/t else?
What can you do for today that will take your mind off of her and her sitch? Or can you do s/t that will get you away from thinking about her for just a few hours. Have you went and checked out bikes?
Sorry to be so blunt about things, but you need to get a better grasp on yourself; the emails sound depressing and desperate and I'm not her! T
I had a good nights sleep finally. (med induced but good)
I think I will let her make the next contact. I have been kinda doing "more of the same" things off and on for a little while now.
I use to email her alot when we were married with a good morning have a nice day. I think she still enjoys it.
I have done that lately too in the trying to be a fried thing. I think I will not do this for a while. I will let her make the next several contacts.
I am not going to answer either way about the use of the timeshare in Mazetlan. I really don't think I would enjoy myself there without her at this point.
I do hope she tries to contact me so I can ignore her. Help to build the "curiostity".
LR- I think I will try to get the last of my stuff this weekend from her.
I really think It is time I just move on. It hurts too much to be caught in this position I am in. If she is confused, maybe this will help her also one way or the other.
I have been fearing this time of letting go but I am starting to think it is the only way I am going to get better. I have been doing things to GAL but have not had my heart in it.
Dejavu- the Rose and angel I gave her were for taking me to the hospital. It was still probably wrong according to DB/DR but that is the type of person I am. I will do better next time I think if the sitch arrises.
Hope to here from you all
Jak466
Jak466
State Trooper: Do you feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?
Del Griffith: Yes sir. Yes. Yes I do. I mean she may not look like much but she'll get you where you wanna go.
Sounds like you're still pretty down. From my perspective at least, it's a lot easier to stay "up" if you detach as well as possible, keep yourself busy, and focus as much as possible on getting a life, that includes hanging out with friends.
I know what you mean about weekends being bad, but that's the time you definitely have to keep occupied, even if it's only with housework.
Remember that if you give her the space that nothing dramatic is going to happen overnight. She isn't going to just forget about you. But you need this time to develop the detachment. Get happy with your own life and things will fall into place a little better, even if it's just improving your sanity.
I don't know about the e-mails. I concur that there may be something there, but it doesn't change the fact that you both need the space. Give the "miss you sometimes" a little more time to grow to missing you frequently.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
