IT IS THE EVE OF MY ANNIVERSARY. How depressing. My hands are shaking and I have a lump in my throat but I can't seem to cry like I really want to. I have read DB and DR along with several other books. I want to believe in my heart that there was no one else before our seperation and D but it would appear that that may not be the case. Too many things she said came right out of the books and I believe her being kind to me has just been a way of easing her guilt. I just want to crawl in a hole. What the hell happened! I thought we were suppose to work through our problems. I thought I was a kind loving husband. I don't deserve to keeep getting F'ed. There seems to be no way she is comming back. I just can't get over it. I can handle phisical pain and work under extreme conditions but I can not handle the feelings I am having now. My friends have become standoffish because I can not seem to move on. I am trying to do things but I am so unfocused. My hands are continually shaking and I am on meds, and nothing is getting through to me. I read the advice here and I am still struggling. I want to hate her and detach but my mind is so full it does not seem to be working. I must not look at all atractive anymore. You stronger members out there I admire you greatly. I miss my dogs so much. I miss my bed, my kitchen......my desire to and the ok to do things for my wife. I loved giving flowers, and calls. I loved cooking special meals. I am so lonely and I can't even scream. I have so little chance to ever show my X the changes I have made other than going down the S#!tter. I have lost over 50lbs. She knows I was trying to lose some weight but when she sees me I can see the guilt on her face that I have lost so much. I have told her No hey, I've been working out and dieting but I aint fooling her. She knows I don't sleep and she knows I want her back. Fat Chance. I want to hate her and detatch. I want to let her know how disappointed I am in her and tell her I know no matter what I did, she would have done the same thing that has happened. I am so sick and tired. I can't find any joy in anything it all turns to pain and memories.
Jak466
Jak466
State Trooper: Do you feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?
Del Griffith: Yes sir. Yes. Yes I do. I mean she may not look like much but she'll get you where you wanna go.
