I still have several items at my XW house. Items like snow blower, compressor, grill, computer (which I am in need of)etc. I haven't had a place to store these things and the X has said I could keep them there as long as I needed (My open door). If you have followed my thread, I feel there has been mixed signals. I don't know if removing all my posessions are a good thing to do or a bad thing to do. I am trying the Last Resort right now and do not want to contact her more than I have to. I really need that computer. Or should I just buy another and sit on the other?
Don't know!
Also, The wife is aware that I have not been doing great even though I have been telling her I am ok. She knows I have lost 55 lbs. when I only wanted to lose 25. and when I was having surgery, she learned I was not sleeping well and taking meds for that.
I think she may also know I am still seeing our MC. If asked, I am going to tell her it is for personal growth. Is this a good Idea?
Jak466
P.S. G. Thanks for the call. D. email you soon.
Jak466
State Trooper: Do you feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?
Del Griffith: Yes sir. Yes. Yes I do. I mean she may not look like much but she'll get you where you wanna go.
Good to hear from you here, Jak. Been wondering about how things are. How are you recuperating from surgery?
Email whenever you need to, I may not get a chance to check it this w/e, but will be back here Sunday nite.
I had to deal w/stuff left at my ex's also. A lot of hassle in getting it since we now live 500m apart and there was a vehicle involved. But I wanted to keep that door open too. I finally came to the point of getting all of it here and it actually was quite a relief. Sure it gave ex less reason to see me, but after hearing about an ow involved, I have less stress over someone else using 'my stuff'. So, my advice would be to either get it all or leave it and forget about it. 'Stuff' will not bring them back to an R. T
IT IS THE EVE OF MY ANNIVERSARY. How depressing. My hands are shaking and I have a lump in my throat but I can't seem to cry like I really want to. I have read DB and DR along with several other books. I want to believe in my heart that there was no one else before our seperation and D but it would appear that that may not be the case. Too many things she said came right out of the books and I believe her being kind to me has just been a way of easing her guilt. I just want to crawl in a hole. What the hell happened! I thought we were suppose to work through our problems. I thought I was a kind loving husband. I don't deserve to keeep getting F'ed. There seems to be no way she is comming back. I just can't get over it. I can handle phisical pain and work under extreme conditions but I can not handle the feelings I am having now. My friends have become standoffish because I can not seem to move on. I am trying to do things but I am so unfocused. My hands are continually shaking and I am on meds, and nothing is getting through to me. I read the advice here and I am still struggling. I want to hate her and detach but my mind is so full it does not seem to be working. I must not look at all atractive anymore. You stronger members out there I admire you greatly. I miss my dogs so much. I miss my bed, my kitchen......my desire to and the ok to do things for my wife. I loved giving flowers, and calls. I loved cooking special meals. I am so lonely and I can't even scream. I have so little chance to ever show my X the changes I have made other than going down the S#!tter. I have lost over 50lbs. She knows I was trying to lose some weight but when she sees me I can see the guilt on her face that I have lost so much. I have told her No hey, I've been working out and dieting but I aint fooling her. She knows I don't sleep and she knows I want her back. Fat Chance. I want to hate her and detatch. I want to let her know how disappointed I am in her and tell her I know no matter what I did, she would have done the same thing that has happened. I am so sick and tired. I can't find any joy in anything it all turns to pain and memories.
Jak466
Jak466
State Trooper: Do you feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?
Del Griffith: Yes sir. Yes. Yes I do. I mean she may not look like much but she'll get you where you wanna go.
I would like to tell you, though likely you cannot hear right now and must discover these for yourself. You will survive. Plain and simple. It may take months or years for you to move forward and start working on you and your life.
I too was sure I could not go on; that I could not do this without her. Guess what? I am.
Every other sentence in your post was her. The sooner you quit thinking every waking moment about her, the sooner your healing starts.
Here is the impossible part. You have no idea what she is doing or thinking or believing? The sooner you quit focusing on her, the better.
You can only control one person. You. Get up today, force yourself. Go walk around the block, run on the treadmill, walk the dog, anything. As long as you sit there and focus on her, you WILL be miserable.
I know exactly what you mean as I went through the same, and it isn't just as easy as thinking about yourself, is it? I was in hospital, I was so bad at several points and it took me 1 year of severe depression and then another year and a half after that before I felt normal - so that's 2 and a half years before I could even contemplate doing enjoyable things for me.
That might not be great news, but honestly it's normal and I read somewhere that it takes the average person 5 years to get a completely new life after divorce, assuming that the couple don't get back together.
I don't know whether it will help right now, but if you have nothing to offer yourself, i.e, for your own benefit, you will have nothing to offer her and she will see that. It won't entice her to come back. My X despised me when I was depressed like you described.
Negativity does not attract a positive response. You have more chance of having an R if you GAL like crazy and genuinely start to enjoy your life, so that she will want to be a part of it.
My suggestion is to start by having little self-care goals, like that you will eat at least 1 cooked meal a day and try to take care of your appearance etc. They are the goals I started with, then you can add in other activities as your confidence increases.
I also think that you should surround yourself with friends. When I was as low as you, I found that being with friends helped to keep me calm, it's someone to talk to, distraction and helps the time go faster when you're feeling lonely.
About your stuff at W's house...If you want/need your stuff...GET IT...If you don't need it, then forget about it. It's as simple as that. I just got the last of my stuff from STBXH about a month ago, because I wanted it and there is no guarantee I'll ever get it now that the papers have come.
I totally agree w greekgoddess and that is that only thing I regret about DBing. I didn't drop the rope until four months after the bomb and I wish I would have done it sooner. After analysing 16 months of this BS, I realize the only thing that affected STBX was the bums rush on the phone and acting HAPPY. Start acting happy until you ARE happy. That will affect the XW the most and you will be GAL at the same time.
Start doing things that you always wanted to do, start living, do something that you and XW always wanted to do...w someone else and stop worrying about what she will think. Just do it. If you have the opprotunity to show her (subtley) that's even better.
I know this sucks and I'm really sorry about your anniversary. You WILL make it through.
A happy confident, smiling person is attractive to anyone. Thats is the best chance you have with WA, even though it may not seem like it.
GG has some great ideas about starting small. Make a little ritual out of them. Maybe go somewhere new for lunch once a week as a treat to yourself. You may even meet some friends there. Do somethong productive around the house and then buy yourself a little token of appreciation for yourself...and on and on until you become the most important person in your life. Become the WAH and spoil yourself. You deserve it.
I'll be thinking of you and praying for you tomorrow...you do the same.
Thanks for chatting and give me a call if you want...otherwise I'll make a toast to the new you!
That is so sweet. I am spending some time with my brother and his wife in North Branch at the moment. I am trying to smile but my heart really hurts. I know WaW is wondering if I am going to call today. It would be the normal thing I would do and I am using all my strength to NOT call. My hands are shaking more than normal. I fell like such a ....
Jak466
Jak466
State Trooper: Do you feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?
Del Griffith: Yes sir. Yes. Yes I do. I mean she may not look like much but she'll get you where you wanna go.
(((jak))) I wish there was some magic that could take the pain away, but I guess there is just stupid sayings like 'it takes time' and 'things will get easier'.
Just do things one day at a time. Start small, like Jo says, and do one thing for yourself today. Focus on you. Is it possible for you to get another pet? One that doesn't require as much care, but could be your focal point for a while? Or maybe go down to your local animal shelter and volunteer to walk the dogs there on your days off. They usually always need some sort of help.
Don't worry about her coming back right now. She probably isn't going to today, maybe not tomorrow, but beyond that, who knows? Don't worry about it! Do what you can for YOU today and keep doing that tomorrow.
And smiling may not feel natural yet, but it will. Tell yourself to smile, even when you don't feel like it, eventually you might find yourself smiling automatically. Here's a little one from me to you Oops, that was a big smile!
Oops, that was a big smile!